Thirsty

I got out a book this morning that I haven't read for a while called "Jesus Wept" by Joyce and Dennis Ashton. A great book that I would highly recommend if you are going through a loss in your life or if you want to understand more about what it's like to go through something like this. Thanks Gillian for sending it to me.

My friend Jen had pointed out something to me the other day and I wanted to read it. It says:

"Attempting to console those who have lost loved ones or endured serious trials
by saying it will be better in the next life tends to minimize their immediate
pain; 'It's like you are in a desert and you are dying of thirst, and someone
says Yes, you can have a drink, but not for thirty years!'"

That is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Some days thinking about having Wyatt in the Millennium helps me and I do get excited about it but that is not enough. It just seems so very far away. I've been feeling like I've been dying of thirst... to just hold Wyatt again, to see him and kiss his cheeks again and to be able to do all of those things that I use to do for him. I thirst to have him as a part of our family right now. I want him to be a part of the memories we are creating. I thirst after the life I had before Wyatt died. There is an incredible void in my life. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that void. I've had to thirst after knowledge and understanding and anything that might comfort me for a moment. I'm grateful for music, for the temple, prayer, scriptures, prophets and apostles and knowledgeable people. I'm also grateful for family, friends, my kids and husband. These things help and I'm grateful for them but none of these things will bring back Wyatt so I guess I will live a life of being extremely thirsty. I'm sure as time goes on that thirst might minimize but I don't think it will ever go away until he is in my arms again.

I have had a pile of Wyatt's things in my room since he died. This pile is all of the things I've found since he died around the house. It's also all the last things he wore or I washed after he died. I had it right next to my bed for quite some time. I then moved it to the corner. Yesterday I decided to move his things to his room. I also decided to fill up the hutch in his room with all of his clothes, blankets, toys, shoes that have been in a cedar chest downstairs. I felt like I need his things closer to me--more accessible. My friend Denine had made a sweet memorial in her bedroom with all of Tanner's things. After seeing that I decided I needed that in Wyatt's room so if my kids want to spend a few moments thinking of their brother they can go in there and hold his things and look at his pictures. I enjoyed spending time yesterday folding up his clothes again. Many tears were shed. So many lost dreams. Each time I do laundry for the family I feel that void as I don't get to fold up his cute little clothes anymore. As I've said before I really don't want to sugar coat things. This is a hard thing that we are having to go through. It's going to be hard for a while and I guess I'm OK with that. I feel like I need time to get through this "grief work". In this book "Jesus Wept" they say:

"Grief work will likely become the hardest work we will ever do. It will extract
more time, patience, and energy than most of us expect or feel capable of
enduring."

I know I have to "feel" it to "heal" it and that is going to take time. Thanks to so many of you for staying with me through the thick of it all.









I bought this table as a birthday gift to Wyatt. I guess that was my justification for buying it but I wanted something to put his lamp on and make is room more inviting.