Thursday, October 23, 2008

The wave

Big Beach on Maui
The first part of the week I felt like maybe I was going to make it through this. I felt a sense of renewed hope but then a wave hit me and it hit hard. I should have known it was coming. It was almost like I was standing at the edge of a beach watching the beautiful waves and enjoying them when all of the sudden out of no where a wave hits me and drags me out to sea. I felt like I was drowning all day yesterday. My kids are wonderful distractions but sometimes they can't even take me out of the depths of heartache I'm feeling. Grief is not easy! My heart aches and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. I read a quote yesterday that I know I've read before but it seemed to hit home more yesterday than ever before. It's by Neal A. Maxwell--he said:

"There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached--a
point of aloneness--when the individual must bear it, as it were, alone. Even
the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are some way
forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand on the foot of the cross often can do so
little to help absorb the pain and anguish. It is something we must bear
ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

I think each of us will have our own "Gethsemane's" to face during our life's. Nothing like what our Savior had to go through but times when we feel so alone and in some way forsaken. I feel I need to document these hard times when hope, prayer, and knowledge seems to not be enough. It's hard but something I have to bear and bear it alone. Usually at the end of the suffering an earth angel will help me out of the pit I was in. How grateful I for earth angels! Another reason I feel I need to document the hard times(yes, I'm aware that I'm pretty good at this and I don't always find the positive in everything. I'm also aware that it must be exhausting reading my downer posts all the time but as I explain here I need to do it) is in case sometime in the future if my kids or grand kids face this same trial or one just as hard they will hopefully be able to read what I've written and see that yes there are hard times and it's OK. Time will hopefully heal but I don't think it will ever take away the hole in my heart. We have to experience the bitter to feel the sweet. As Elder Maxwell said: "It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

My friend Gillian(she lost her precious Zachary exactly one month before Wyatt died) pointed this out to me last week she said "I think my new favorite scripture is John 11:35 that tells us simply that “Jesus wept”. Surely He had perfect faith and a perfect understanding of the gospel and plan of salvation. But he wept because he loved his friend so much and felt the tremendous loss." I'm so grateful for our Saviors example. I sometimes feel that people might think grief has something to do with faith. I'm learning first hand that it has nothing to do with it. No amount of faith can take away the heartache I feel as I miss my Wyatt. Yes, faith gives me hope for a wonderful future with my Wyatt but it doesn't take away the fact that my heart is bleeding and my arms ache to hold him again. It's OK to weep as Jesus did. There will be hard days when waves will literally knock us down but there is also a hope for better ones as well. As my sweet husband pointed out to me "the sun will always rise, and the eternities will shine brightly."


Natalie said...

Once again, you amaze me with your stregnth. I'm sure sometimes you don't feel very strong and that this load is too much, but I see your stregnth. Your posts are not downers to me. They show your testimony and the stregnth the gospel can bring as you deal with this. I've never thought about that scripture like that before. Jesus is our perfect example, if he wept, we should too. You are amazing Andrea and thank you for following Christ example in grief. I'm glad you are showing your true feelings and expressing them in a healthy way! Love you lots!

gcashton said...

This is one of the most perfect descriptions of grief that I have ever read. You have explained what we have come here on earth to learn--that some things we just have to feel and experience--that no amount of knowledge or strength of testimony could prepare us for.
Sorrow can come in waves and knock us right off our feet, regardless of our faith and the strength of our convictions. But with each new wave, we are stronger and gain more perspective.
Thank you for this. It's one for me to save and re-read when I'm feeling my lonliest.
Thanks for the shout-out--I'm flattered. I am so grateful for your friendship, strength, and your amazing example.

Jill said...

The sun will always rise, and I'm sure the eternities shine brighter to you than most of us. I'm grateful for your perspective. I know this has been and will continue to be hard, but I think your perspective is given to you as a way to help others. You don't realize who you are touching, even through your grief. I love you!

Marc and Megan said...

Andrea, I just want you to know how sorry I am for those awful, low moments. All last week, my grief was so heavy. It was unbearable... I felt like I was crying non-stop for seven days. It has never been that bad before. Fortunately, there has been some relief for me this week... and I just want you to know that I'm praying for that for you, too.

I came across a quote the other day - "where there is much light, the shadows are deepest." - Goethe

Kas said...

You don't know me, I'm a friend of Michelle's. But I just want you to know that I kissed my baby girl on the forehead tonight as she slept peacefully and then I cried for you... I'm so sorry for your loss.