The Tree of Love

Wyatt's hat he wore on his first and last Christmas on this earth. I cried many tears last year as I found it and I cried many more this year. I think that will be how it is each year as I put it a top his tree.

I really struggle when words just don't seem to adequately express my feelings. My heart is full of love and gratitude when I go into Wyatt's room and look at this tree and all the beautiful ornaments that so many of you sent us. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank each and everyone that has contributed to this amazing tree of love. That is what I call it because it radiates LOVE. Love from so many incredible people in my life and in my families life. THANK YOU! As the girls and I put on each ornament we reflected on the person that had given it to us. Tears came to my eyes as I thought of each of you and the gift you have given us. I feel so blessed to know that each year as Christmas time rolls around I will be able to put up this amazing tree of LOVE and think of each and everyone of you that contributed to it. Along with all the tender mercies that I've received from so many of you. I have added a few pictures of the ornaments I received after Christmas last year. Again, words truly can't express the love in my heart for the sacrifice that so many of you made to add an ornament to Wyatt's tree. "The Tree of Love."
My friend Julie sent me this ornament last March. I had searched and searched all last Christmas and after Christmas trying to find the perfect ornament that expressed the love between Wyatt and me. I never found it but I believed it was out there somewhere and some day I would find it. Well, when I opened this gift from my friend, tears rolled down my face because it was the ornament that I was looking for. It was the perfect representation of the love Wyatt and I have for each other. It was the newest ornament from the willow tree collection and had just come out in March. No wonder I didn't find it. I truly believe Heavenly Father gives us tender mercies like these. I feel like this entire tree is a tender mercy to bless my life and my families life each year as we continue to miss and ache for Wyatt.

The butterfly Emily found this fall. Emily suggested we put it on the tree. Love those tender mercies in my life.

Balloon release in England

I joined a group on facebook called "Life after Loss". It's for those that have lost a child. I haven't done much with this group but got an e-mail a couple of months ago about a balloon release they were doing. I think it took place around the time of Wyatt's birthday. I decided to fill out the form and have a balloon released in honor of Wyatt. I had no idea that they would actually send me pictures of the release. I also didn't realize that they would be releasing the balloons in England next to a castle(how cool is that?) Well the sweet people that do this release sent me pictures. Along with each balloon was a message attached. I figured they would just print them up on the computer once they received each message. Well, no they hand printed each one. What a sacrifice. That touched my heart so much. I am totally amazed and overwhelmed with gratitude for such good and amazing people in this world. Here are the pictures they sent me. What a tender mercy. I was completely overwhelmed when I saw so many balloons. Oh, my heart aches to see so many balloons knowing that so many moms and dads and siblings are missing their little ones.

The message that was attached to Wyatt's balloon...oh, how sweet.

Hayley's birthday

I can't believe this baby is now...
a five year old. I truly can't believe she is 5 years old. Where has the time gone? She had a wonderful birthday with lots of fun presents. Since her birthday was on a Sunday this year she got to choose something fun to do as a family Saturday night. We do a friends party one year and the next year is a family party. This year was the family one and she decided to go to Fiesta Family Fun. Lots of fun games and lots of tickets won.

She wanted a butterfly cake this year. A tender mercy for me. It was not my idea at all. We looked through all the princess and castle cakes and she was set on a butterfly one so that is what we did. All in all it was a great day for her.

She is such a blessing in all of our lives. We feel so beyond blessed to have her. She has been there for me on countless occasions. She has helped me through some hard, hard times. I believe a part of her mission here on earth is to help heal her mom.

With her baby doll.

A butterfly necklace from Wyatt. She was excited to have one like Emily's and hopefully it will always remind her of her little brother and how he wants her to choose the right.
I have so many more things to blog about. Tyler ran a triathlon at his school, and we put up Wyatt's tree yesterday. I feel such love from that tree...overwhelming LOVE.

Photo shoot with Emily part 1

Emily has been wanting to do a photo shoot for a while now. We finally found some time to do it today. It was our mother daughter date for the month. So fun for me and I'm so glad she wanted to do it. She is so easy to take pictures of. Here are just a few of the many I took. I still have a bunch more to go through. I will most likely have a part 2. I love photography! It's so fun learning something new. I never thought I would feel a passion for anything else after Wyatt died but I've found something I truly love and enjoy. It was so fun to spend some time with my sweet Emily. Now I've got to convince Tyler to go with me on a photo shoot...can't believe he will be turning 13 in just a couple of weeks. I can't believe I will have an official teenager...CRAZY!

A Day at the Park

I took these pictures a month ago. I'm making a book for Hayley with some pictures of those things she loves. She LOVES to swing so we spent a morning at the park taking pictures of one of her joys. I am trying to cherish as many moments as possible this year before she goes to kindergarten next year. Can't believe she will be turning 5 in a week. Where has the time gone?

Sweet Assurance/I know/ Abundance

It's been a refreshing and refueling week. I got to go with my husband to Vegas for a day and 1/2 for some business. While he was at meetings I got to spend time doing whatever I wanted. To have some quiet time to reflect and think was priceless. To take time to ponder, plan and find ways to make improvements in my life was great and much needed.

I love the influence of music. I know how powerful it is and I love the influence it has on my life. I spent a lot of time listening to my Ipod, feeling, thinking and crying.

I also spent time doing things for myself that I usually don't have time to do. It was wonderful. I even got to spend some time shopping and just looking around. Which I haven't gotten to do for a while, at least without kids. Thanks to my parents for tending the kids so I could have this time. It was fun also to spend some time with my sweet husband talking and just enjoying each others company without the distraction of children. I feel it's important every once in a while to take some time for ourselves. It helps us become a better mother and wife and I also think it helps our marriages.

Once we got home I was blessed with yet some more refueling. I had the opportunity to go to "Time out" for women. My tank was filled to overflowing with great music and inspirational talks. The spirit was strong and I feel so blessed that I got to have this experience.

The theme of this conference was "sweet assurance" the certainty that comes when you know life's truths. We were asked many times what do you know? And I thought many times to myself..."What do I know?" Well, I know a lot of things but the thing that I know most of all and I think the thing that is most important is that I know Jesus Christ lives and through him I can find hope. Hope for help in this lifetime and hope for a day when I will hold Wyatt again. A day when I will do those many things that I long to do with him. And the sweet assurance that came to me was that when I do have that time with Wyatt again I won't have the worldly distractions to take me away from him. I'm hoping that there will not be dishes to do, the house to clean, meals to fix and laundry to fold. I will have more time to cherish each and every second with him as I get to watch him grow up. I believe those moments will be cherished even more than I could possibly have cherished them in this lifetime. It will be magnificent.

I also know that Jesus Christ is there for me now to help me through this lives journey without Wyatt. I know he understands my heart and is patient with me and the roller coaster of emotions I continue to go through. He does not judge me or tell me that I need to move on with life. Actually, I've received the sweet assurance that it's ok to continue to have those moments of grief and missing Wyatt. It's healthy and normal. He understands. I don't' feel pressure from him or from our loving Heavenly father that I need to "get over it" and not dwell on what is not in my life anymore. They understand...and most of all they understand me and my feelings. They then bless me daily with tender mercies. Mercies that help me know that I am loved and watched over. I know there is a loving Heavenly Father and an elder brother that loves me and loves every single person on this earth. This I KNOW!

I got an opportunity to do something I usually would never do. I tend to be shy. As you know I have talked about music a lot and the effect it has on me. There are so many songs that just speak to my heart. There is a particular artist that has some songs that are just so true...so true of grief and heartache that I can relate to them so well. I've listened to these songs many, many times. Well, at "Time Out" for women this artist was there and was completely amazing, funny yet incredibly spiritual. Her name is Hilary Weeks. She is wonderful!!

I felt like I needed to thank her for her music that has helped me on some of the hardest days of my life. So, I got the courage up and went up to her and thanked her. I told her how much her songs have touched my heart and helped me through the past year and 1/2 without Wyatt. She was so sweet and sincere and wanted to know about Wyatt and what had happened. I can't tell you how much that means to me when someone really and genuinely wants to know. She teared up and told me she could feel my strength and then gave me a hug and said you will make it. What an incredible women. I just feel so blessed for the abundance of spirit I've felt the past few days. I'm so grateful for the sweet assurances in my life that I know of so many wonderful truths of the gospel that helps me on my journey through this life. I feel abundantly blessed.

There was a speaker at this Time out for women that talked about abundance. While I was pregnant with Wyatt I stitched a pillow with this word and it's definition. I truly felt like we were abundantly blessed. 2 boys and 2 girls...Perfect!! But then when Wyatt died and we've continued to struggle financially I've not always felt abundantly blessed. I've felt like we have been abundantly blessed with trial after trail after trial. Well, yesterday one of the presenters talked about just this and how abundance can be in those simple things of life. It gave me a new prospective on the word and what I think it truly means. And I came to realize how truly abundantly blessed I am. I feel like the past few days I've been abundantly refueled...fullness to overflowing. So grateful for the abundance in my life and for those things that matter most. Grateful for all of those things I KNOW.

Halloween 2009

We had Miss America, a Gryffindor student from Harry Potter and a clown this year. If you notice in the picture there is a butterfly to represent Wyatt. Emily found this butterfly a week ago and brought it home. It was injured or something and didn't last long but for me it was a tender mercy to have a butterfly in our house. I kept it because who knows when I will see another one with winter coming around the corner. I look at it as a gift. I decided to put it in the picture at the last moment when my heart was breaking that Wyatt was not here. I wonder what he would have been this year...it's just hard.

We did have a good day as a family and enjoyed an amazing party in our neighborhood. We are so blessed to live in such a great place. The kids enjoyed trick or treating with their friends and then having the Halloween fairy come last night. Tyler decided to keep his candy but the girls were so excited to see what the fairy would bring this year. It turned out to be a little fur real pig and monkey. They love them.

It was a good Halloween all in all. I missed Wyatt like always but was able to have fun with the kids and our wonderful friends. I don't think the longing to have Wyatt in my life will ever change. It's something that will always be there until he is actually in my arms again. The wondering will always be there too. What would he be doing right now? What would he be like as a 2 year old? Questions I will not get answered in this life. I guess I have no choice except to wait to find those things out. Until then he will always be in my heart as well as in our families heart. We will continue to have our moments where our hearts seem to break all over again and again. We love and miss our Wyatt!!!

Missing him....

Missing our little peacock. We had a good Halloween with lots of fun, food and friends but there is also a part of sadness for me when Wyatt isn't with us physically on these holidays....actually it's hard everyday. Anyway, I will post pictures of Halloween soon. We love you Wyatt! We miss you and wonder what you would have been this Halloween.

5K, Halloween Party

This past Saturday Tyler and I ran our first 5k. Tyler did awesome and won first place in his age division and 10th place overall in the men's division. I'm so proud of him.

I'm not much of a long distance runner but since Wyatt died it's been something that has helped me cope in a way. During those early months of grief I would force myself to go on a walk and to get out of the house each day. That slowly lead to running more and more. I kind of enjoyed having some physical pain instead of the constant emotional pain I've felt..if that makes sense. It also doesn't hurt to get as many happy endorphins as I possibly can get.

This past summer since the sun would come up so early in the morning I had a hard time sleeping in so I would get up and go running. I love music and being able to listen to music while running has been a good thing for me. It truly has brought moments of joy, peace and comfort to my soul when I thought I would never feel that again. And then there are those songs that brings on the pain, sorrow and grief, which I feel is a good thing as well.

Most every morning I would start my run by going to Wyatt's grave. There is a hill before you reach the cemetery..not a big one but big enough to make my legs burn and for me to want to walk but I would tell myself that I could do it. That I can run up that hill. I would liken it to this lives journey. It hurts, it's hard but I've got to do it. Each step and each day is that much closer to having Wyatt in my life again. I then tell myself that I'm strong and can do it. That the reward(having Wyatt again) will be worth it. And then I dream of the day when that climb is over and he is in my arms again. Oh, it will be so awesome!

I then end up at Wyatt's grave. I will spend a moment or two grieving and getting some of those emotions out and then I would run and cry and listen to music that touches my heart. Some days I have more emotions to get out and other days not as much. Since the kids started school and it's gotten a little colder I haven't run as much so I was pleasantly surprised when I ran this 5k that I felt good. I didn't feel like I needed to stop and walk at all. I ran the whole way and actually had energy at the end to pick up my speed. It was quit fun and thrilling to go across the finish line. It was fun to have Derek and the girls and Tyler there cheering me on. This might be a new passion for me...we will see. If anything it's been something that I've needed to do since Wyatt died. I have forced myself out the door on many, many occasion when I really didn't want to. There is something that is good about getting a little exercise, breathing the fresh air and enjoying this beautiful earth that helps with my grief. On many of my runs I've had butterflies flying in front of me or by me. I feel like Wyatt has been by my side. I know he is here with me while I go through this life of grief. He is on the other side cheering his mom on. I feel like he is one of my biggest fans.

Tyler and I after the race.

Halloween Party
Saturday night we went to an amazing Halloween party. Derek and I dressed up at Harry Potter and Ginny Wesley. Thanks Mitch for letting us use your Harry Potter stuff. Here is the picture Tyler took. It was a fun evening with great friends, food and games. My sweet friend that puts this together does an incredible job each year. We are so blessed with great people in our lives.

Hole in the Rock

"Hole in the Rock"

(Lake Powell wasn't there when the pioneers went through this. It sure is beautiful now.)

A week ago we went with Derek's family to Hole in the Rock. What an adventure. We were in the car for 11 hours and a lot of those hours were spent on the bumpiest, rockiest dirt road I've ever been on. There were places where 4 wheel drive was a must. Let's just say I will most likely never do that again. I think if I want to see it again I will go by boat...much easier. Anyway, it was quit amazing to see this place and to think that the pioneers took their wagons down this "hole in the rock". It was unbelievable to think that they actually did that. The kids had a great time with their cousins and I think it will be something they will never forget. It was fun to spend time with Derek's side of the family. Here are some of the many pictures I took. It was fun to have some nieces and nephews that actually asked to have their pictures taken. I don't have that luxury very much in my household...probably because I'm always wanting to take pictures. So grateful as well for the beauties of this earth. Lake Powell is gorgeous! Along with the beautiful fall leaves and red rock. Love it! And as always I missed Wyatt but I did see a small white butterfly on our way.

Darling!

"Hole in the rock"

How did they take wagons down this?

The group hiking down "hole in the rock".

One our way we had lunch at "Devil's garden." It was beautiful!

Hayley enjoying her cookie.

I love red rock!

Some of the kids.

What a handsome little guy!

My handsome hunk.

Even if we are apart...I will always be with you.

I saw this on my friends blog. I feel like it was meant for me to read today. Thought I would share. She said "If Mia could have told me one thing before she left. I hope that it would have been this. " I would have to say the same with Wyatt.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Just found these words to a Disney song...not sure yet what song it is but I loved the words...they went right along with this quote.

I will always be with you

Makes no difference where your road takes you to

Even if we're apart

Now we're joined at the heart

Though our moments may be gone

You and I will still live on

I will always be with you

I'll be by your side whatever you do

All the memories may fade

But the ones that we made

Are eternal as a star

Now I'm part of who you are

And I'll be there with you in the sound of your laughter

I'll be in the tears you cry'

Cause the way you and I have touched one and other

Doesn't end with goodbye

I will always be with you

Like a guardian-angel constant and true

When you're lost in the night

And you can't see the light

My love will see you through

I will always be there

You'll have me there

I will always be with you

I will always be with you

Like a guardian-angel constant and true

When you're lost in the night

And you can't see the light

My love will see you through

I will always be there

You'll have me there

I will always be with you.

Extended Family Pictures

These pictures go along with the tractor post I did a month ago. We did an extended family picture in my parents backyard with the tractor. I'm so grateful for the wonderful family I've been blessed with and the amazing parents that I've been given. The flower in the pictures represent Wyatt. Again, it's hard not having him in these pictures. We miss him so much. It's an ache that will never go away. Not until the day we hold him in our arms again. We miss you and love you Wyatt! Again, I grew on a fruit farm so this pictures represents our family so well. So grateful for families...mine and Derek's. We spent this past weekend with Derek's family going to hole in the rock. Hopefully I will get a minute sometime this week to post about that experience.

Grandkids

This is the professional one we had taken that night. I wish I could get it bigger. They put a picture of Wyatt in the trees. Looking over our family. Which I feel he is. He is our little angel.

Let's go fly a kite...

We continue to spend most Sunday evenings at Wyatt's grave. We will continue to do that until it gets too cold. Some may think that is strange but for us it's a good thing. Some people go to the park(which we do a lot too) but we go to a cemetery as well. It's such a relaxing, beautiful and peaceful place for our family to go. I know Wyatt is not there but knowing there is a little section of ground dedicated to him does my heart good. We just enjoy the spirit of the place. I love what my kindred spirit said about going to the cemetery. She said: "I like the idea of a place dedicated to him(Luke), where we can just think about him and remember how it felt when he was in our arms." I feel the same about Wyatt. So, we continue to go and enjoy time as a family at a very peaceful and beautiful place. It's also nice that his grave is so close to our house.

There is a new section of lawn at the cemetery. Someday it will be filled with more dedicated plots of ground but until then we use it to do a few things... like fly a kite. I bought a kite last March for Wyatt's angel day to fly but it just wasn't windy enough. Well, this Sunday it was windy, probably too windy. Most times we try and have a fun activity to do when we go to Wyatt's grave. The kids enjoyed this one a lot. Tyler and Derek spent most of the time trying to hit the kite with a football. Most of the pictures will have that football(the one Tyler bought to put on Wyatt's grave) in it. Derek and Tyler always come up with some sort of game to play. This one reminded me of the infamous seagull saga many years ago at the beach with my whole family. That would be a story in and of it self that I will probably never tell here. Anyway, we enjoyed sometime as a family playing at the cemetery...weird to some but for us it's a part of our new life. Sometimes it doesn't seem real at all that we have any reason to spend time there. Truly unbelievable!!

Butterfly plates...a beautiful gift!

A dear sweet friend saw these while she was on a trip to Yellowstone. She bought them and sent them to me. Aren't they just beautiful? Thank you Carolyn. I feel so blessed to have such amazing and thoughtful people in my life. I truly don't know how to express the gratitude that is in my heart. They will be cherished! Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

Cooking dinner is a time that I have shed many tears the past 18 months. Just being in the kitchen and looking over to where Wyatt's swing use to be and now it's gone brings on the tears. I would put him in his swing while I tried to cook dinner. He didn't like that so he would fuss. He wanted to be held during that time. So, Emily would pick him up and hold him for a minute and then she would bring him to me. She could not stand to hear him fussing. I would try and cook with him in my arms and then I would put him back into his swing. That cycle would keep going on and on until I would tell Emily to just let him stay in his swing. I would often talk to him and try to console him while trying to fix dinner. Those are some of the cherished memories I have of him. It's so hard to have those empty arms now. To look over to his spot and he is gone. So, now I have something to put on my counter that brings him close to me. To remind me of those continued tender mercies in my life. For each and every "Wyatt moment" that I've had and continue to have. For the hope I have that I will someday hold him and love him again. To remind me of the sweet and amazing friend that thought of me on her vacation and gave me this most precious gift. Thanks again Carolyn for your thoughtfulness. I absolutely LOVE them! They are so beautiful!

Wyatt's birthday

I've wanted to post and talk about Wyatt's birthday for a while now. It's taken a moment here and there to complete this post. I'm mainly writing all of this down so I can know what we did so I have some reference for next year. I'm so glad I did that last year to help with this year.

We went to his grave early that morning and had a breakfast picnic. We always start out with a prayer that instantly brings the spirit. Derek always does such a beautiful job of that. I then had the kids open their gift. The one I found on e-bay...the one for me more than anyone. It was Wyatt's little security blanket that I had bought for my mom to give Wyatt for Christmas the year Wyatt was with us. It was the item I placed next to his face before they closed his casket. I have looked every time since his death at Walmart hoping that they might get that little blanket in but I never saw one. I've wanted one for myself to remember him by. Well, after searching online I found it on e-bay and started to cry the instant I saw it. The last time I saw that blanket was when I placed it next to Wyatt. He loved to play with all the different textures on the blanket. I was going to have it be his little security item that would comfort him as he grew up. Now it comforts me. The sweet lady I bought the blanket from priority mailed it so that it would get there in time. Again, there are good people in this world.

After opening the present we light two candles on the breakfast muffins and sang happy birthday to Wyatt. That was a hard thing for me. I'm not sure if that will ever get easy. I then opened up the gift my niece gave me...the one I've already written about. Tears were flowing after that. Then a small yellow butterfly flew by us. This time Derek was the one that pointed it out. Usually it's me. What a tender mercy to have a butterfly that early in the morning flying by us.

After that the kids went to school and Derek and I got to go to the temple and do some sealing. Tyler had found some family names to do from the new ancestral website. That made it that much more special for us. I love the temple and the peace that I feel there. It puts everything into perspective.

After the temple and when the kids got home we went to all a dollar and let the kids pick out something to put on Wyatt's grave. We then blew up his balloons and went to his grave and wrote on them. The balloon release didn't turn out all that well. We ended up having only 2 balloons to release instead of the 6 we blew up. Lets just say some of them popped and one escaped too soon. It was very emotional for Tyler. He had a hard day more than the other kids. He prayed for Wyatt...he wanted a little brother to spend time with and teach stuff to and now that little brother is gone. It's such a hard thing to have to deal with. It was a very emotional and hard day for me as well. More than I had thought it would be. After the balloons, we came home, had dinner and had our Family Home Evening lesson. Derek did a great job and talked about the gifts Wyatt has given us...namely the testimony we have of the plan of salvation. We then watched Wyatt's video that my brother made. Tears were instant...it's hard to see those memories right now. Maybe someday they will be more sweet instead of bitter. I love watching his video but in the same sense it's really hard knowing that memories with Wyatt are gone now. Does that even make sense? Anyway, lets just say it's hard sometimes. After the video we had a Wii tournament. Then we had cupcakes and sang happy birthday again. After that we did our "No empty Chairs" box and wrote down new things we were going to improve on and give to Wyatt. All in all it was a peaceful day but an emotional one as well. I don't know how these birthdays and milestones will get any easier but it sure helped to have so many wonderful people showing support to us. Thank you everyone. Words can't say how much that means to us. Here are the pictures I took that day.

Opening the present...Wyatt's blankie.

Derek's parents made this darling angel post for Wyatt's grave. So sweet!! Thank you!

Butterfly from my sweet visiting teacher.

Balloon release.
Thanks again to my sister to making these balloons for us.

The toys the kids picked out for Wyatt's grave.

The necklaces Hayley and Emily received from our wonderful friends and neighbors.

No Empty Chairs box.

That night I found Hayley asleep with Wyatt's blankie...maybe I wasn't the only one that needed it.