The wave

Big Beach on Maui

The first part of the week I felt like maybe I was going to make it through this. I felt a sense of renewed hope but then a wave hit me and it hit hard. I should have known it was coming. It was almost like I was standing at the edge of a beach watching the beautiful waves and enjoying them when all of the sudden out of no where a wave hits me and drags me out to sea. I felt like I was drowning all day yesterday. My kids are wonderful distractions but sometimes they can't even take me out of the depths of heartache I'm feeling. Grief is not easy! My heart aches and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. I read a quote yesterday that I know I've read before but it seemed to hit home more yesterday than ever before. It's by Neal A. Maxwell--he said:

"There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached--a
point of aloneness--when the individual must bear it, as it were, alone. Even
the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are some way
forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand on the foot of the cross often can do so
little to help absorb the pain and anguish. It is something we must bear
ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

I think each of us will have our own "Gethsemane's" to face during our life's. Nothing like what our Savior had to go through but times when we feel so alone and in some way forsaken. I feel I need to document these hard times when hope, prayer, and knowledge seems to not be enough. It's hard but something I have to bear and bear it alone. Usually at the end of the suffering an earth angel will help me out of the pit I was in. How grateful I for earth angels! Another reason I feel I need to document the hard times(yes, I'm aware that I'm pretty good at this and I don't always find the positive in everything. I'm also aware that it must be exhausting reading my downer posts all the time but as I explain here I need to do it) is in case sometime in the future if my kids or grand kids face this same trial or one just as hard they will hopefully be able to read what I've written and see that yes there are hard times and it's OK. Time will hopefully heal but I don't think it will ever take away the hole in my heart. We have to experience the bitter to feel the sweet. As Elder Maxwell said: "It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

My friend Gillian(she lost her precious Zachary exactly one month before Wyatt died) pointed this out to me last week she said "I think my new favorite scripture is John 11:35 that tells us simply that “Jesus wept”. Surely He had perfect faith and a perfect understanding of the gospel and plan of salvation. But he wept because he loved his friend so much and felt the tremendous loss." I'm so grateful for our Saviors example. I sometimes feel that people might think grief has something to do with faith. I'm learning first hand that it has nothing to do with it. No amount of faith can take away the heartache I feel as I miss my Wyatt. Yes, faith gives me hope for a wonderful future with my Wyatt but it doesn't take away the fact that my heart is bleeding and my arms ache to hold him again. It's OK to weep as Jesus did. There will be hard days when waves will literally knock us down but there is also a hope for better ones as well. As my sweet husband pointed out to me "the sun will always rise, and the eternities will shine brightly."