Approaching...

Wyatt's angel day is approaching in a couple of weeks. I truly can't believe it's almost been 2 years. I can't believe it's been that long since I held my little boy. It just makes my arms ache more than ever. I haven't really felt like expressing my feelings lately. I have been busy with life but that doesn't take away the fact that grief continues to hit for moments here and there. Not nearly as much as it use to do but it's still there. I think the fact that his angel day is approaching doesn't help either. Tonight I just ache for him...it's hard to even describe that ache but it's such a real tangible thing. Oh, what I would do to just hold him again. To have him grab onto my finger as I would feed him. To give him a bath and blow on his tummy and make him laugh. To put lotion on him and smell that sweet smell. Oh, I would give anything in this world to have him back into my arms. A day does not go by that I don't think about him and miss him. I don't think that will ever change. I love him too much.

I ordered caterpillars/butterflies to release on his angel day. They are now in their chrysalises and will be butterflies in a few days. I'm now hoping I can keep them alive for his angel day. I'm looking forward to having some real butterflies in my life again. It's been months since that.

I so wanted to leave town to just get away for his angel day. Maybe in a sense to just run away from the fact that it can't possibly be 2 years since he left us. How could that possibly be? The ache is still so there. But finances as they are we can't leave town so we will spend the day doing the things we did last year. Attending the temple, releasing butterflies and balloons and spending some time remembering our little boy and I'm sure shedding a few tears. We haven't watched the videos we have Wyatt...maybe we will be brave and get them out. I know it will not be easy but I do think it will help keep his memory alive. I'm afraid that memory is fading too quickly as time passes. Hopefully the videos will bring it back without too much pain. Spring break for us will never be the same. It always falls on the same week as two years ago when we thought we were going on vacation and ended up watching our baby take his last breath. Something I never thought I would have to witness.

I'm so grateful my brother thought to take these pictures and all the others of our last week with Wyatt. Though they are hard to see I'm so grateful I have them.