One year

I don't even know where to begin or how to express the emotions that are going through me right now. Lets just say this has been a very hard week. All the memories of a year ago are replaying in my mind. The way the sun was the night we took Wyatt to instacare, the blossoms and the awful, awful memories. I saw things that no mother should ever have to watch their baby go through. The feeling of helplessness I felt a year ago... I can't even come up with words to describe it. I knew this week would be hard but I'm finding these moments this week harder than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm reliving the week of a year ago but without that added strength and comfort that was soooo there last year. There was more of a shock factor a year ago...too much for me to even comprehend but now that is gone and I'm trying deal with all those awful memories. But along side those awful memories are the most spiritual memories of my life and I will always cherish and hold onto those incredible moments and days where the Holy Ghost touched me like I've never been touched before.

I really can not believe I have lived and that I have actually breathed for almost 365 days without my Wyatt. In a sense it has been 365 days because yesterday was the day it all happened and he never woke up again. Yesterday, as I woke up I thought in my mind how have I done it...how have I possibly lived for that many days with the grief and sorrow and pain. Here is a list of a few things that have helped me live and what continues to help me live through this most difficult of trials.

• My husband and kids...having them by my side as helped me so much. Words can't even describe how much love I feel for each of them. Hay has been there with me day in and day out. Even though she is only 3 years old and now 4 she has known how to comfort her mom. I feel at times that since she is younger and maybe more pure that she has been extremely in tune to the spirit and has come to me in those moments when I've needed her the most. Sometimes that has been in the middle of the night along with the numerous times during the day. Each of my kids have been a strength to me and my husband has been a rock. He has not judged me or told me how I should grieve but he has been there to listen, love and care for me. I will be forever grateful for the wonderful husband and children I have been blessed with.



• The Savior: Because of him I have hope. I don't know what I would do without that hope. It's hard for me to even come up with words that express fully how I feel about him and all he has done for me. How grateful I am for him!
  


• Music: Music has always had a way of touching my spirit and comforting me. It has done that for me so much this past year. The hymns especially have brought comfort and peace to my soul as I have listened more closely to the words. I have had some neat moments with "God be with you till we meet again" I will always cherish those tender mercies that I felt came from my Wyatt. I know that I will be with Wyatt again..the words don't say "if" we meet again but "till" we meet again. And I believe that is so true and I can't wait until that day! Music has been bittersweet. Sacrament meeting has been hard at times trying to hold back the tears as words speak to my soul. The words of hope of the resurrection will always brings tears to my face as I think of that most wonderful day when I will be holding my baby again in my arms. The hymns that focus on the Savior have been especially tender to me because it is because of him that I have any hope at all. The sting of death is taken away because of Jesus Christ. I love music and I am very grateful for it's influence in my life especially during this year...the hardest year of my entire life!



• Prayer: I have to say prayer has been big in helping me through this last year. My individual prayers but mostly those prayers I have felt others offer in my behalf and in the behalf of my kids and husband. So thank you to each and everyone of you that have offered prayers for us and continue to offer prayers for us. We will be forever grateful for that. I also feel that many of my individual prayers have been answered by the many earth angels in my life and through this blog. I'm so grateful for each and every person that has been an instrument in heavenly fathers hands to help me.



• Angels: Those seen and unseen. Especially all the earth angels that have touched my life and helped me through this. I don't think I could list everyone that has touched my life but I want to thank each and everyone of you for all that has been done in my behalf. I can't tell you how comforting it has been to me when someone has e-mailed me or left a tender comment on the blog or sent me a letter or a gift or called me...oh, I could go on and on with the amazing things people have done for me. How grateful I am for each and every ornament we received for Wyatt's tree...I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to each and every person that has touched my life for good. I'm especially grateful for those courageous people that have taken the time to come and ask me how I might be doing and really want to know. Or for those of you that have sent an encouraging note or one just asking how I was doing. I am grateful for each and every tender mercy that has come to me. Thanks to those of you that have brought Wyatt up in conversation. I think that is one of the greatest tender mercies for me is to have someone remember my sweet little boy. So THANK YOU to so many people..those I know and don't know. I also need to thank all the family members from both sides of our families that have been so supportive and wonderful to us. I'm also grateful for the unseen angels that I believe have been there to help when when I've needed it the most and I will be forever grateful for that.



• Satan: This obviously needs some explanation. I guess I'm grateful for the fact that I have known this whole year how Satan is so there and wants me and my family. It has been a good thing for me because I have been able to recognize those moments when I felt doubt, discouragement and despair. I've been able to identify that those feelings on the most part are from Satan and that he is very aware of how hard this is and how this is his time to try and get me to turn away from what I have believed all my life. I have had some very dark and hard moments where doubts have filled me. I have had to rely on that testimony I had before Wyatt died more than I ever have in my entire life. I've had to remember those moments when I know without a doubt that I have felt the holy ghost bear witness to me that so many things are true. The thing that I've learned the most from attending the temple this year is how Satan is always there trying to lead us away from those things that are the most important in our lives. I guess what I've learned and I'm continuing to learn is that I'm fighting a battle and some how I've got to come out on top because I've got to make it back to Wyatt.



• Words: Those from the scriptures and those from apostles and prophets. The words that I've read and clung to this year have helped me beyond description. I could name off so many quotes that have comforted my soul and have given me hope. Talks from apostles and prophet that I felt like they were speaking right to me. I don't know what I would have done without the many words I have read. I'm grateful for the many books that are out there on grief...so that I can know that what I am feeling and going through is normal since before this happened I had no idea about grief and what it does. The scriptures on countless occasions have helped me through a difficult day or moment.



• Angel Moms: There was a strength that came upon me during Wyatt's last week on this earth and the weeks that followed. I almost thought that this was how it was going to be and I would be able to make it through this but then it left and I was left to feel the real pain of losing a child. I remember reading a comment on Wyatt's obituary from the president of the Healing Hearts Angel group and her inviting me to the group. I remember thinking I don't think I will need that...oh, how naive I was. After a few weeks with the strength and peace gone I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to know there were other moms out there with the same awful pain I was feeling and I needed to know that I was normal in all the emotions and things that were going through my mind. I'm so grateful for the amazing, wonderful mom's that I've meet this past year that knows what it's like to feel and go through all that I've been going through. They have lifted me up when I didn't know if I could do it anymore. They encouraged me and have helped me along and I don't know where I would be today without all of them. So thank you each and every angel mom that has helped me and continues to help me. Especially thanks to my kindred spirit.



• Blog: This blog has been good for me in a lot of ways. It has helped me express so many feelings and emotions. I'm especially grateful for all the sweet comments from so many wonderful people. People I know and people I don't know. I can't tell you how much that has helped me when I've needed some added strength to read such uplifting and loving comments from so many of you. Thank you. I'm also grateful for the blog and it's ability to connected me to so many of those Angel mom's I just spoke of. I feel like each person that as come into my life this year has been an answer to prayers.



• Temple: I'm grateful to have been able to go to the temple a lot this past year. I have felt added strength to fight against those hard moments of doubt. I've enjoyed the peace and spirit that is there. I'm especially grateful for the eternal aspect of the temple and the knowledge that we are a forever family.



• Butterflies: I'm grateful for each and every butterfly moment that I've had and I hope to continue to have those moments. I feel it a great blessing to have had so many distinctive moments where I've known it was Wyatt letting me know he is aware of me. Along with all the other tender mercies that have been given to me to know that Wyatt is still there and aware.

Wow, I could go on and on with this list but I think I will stop. My life is forever changed. The grief will not end because it has been a year. I loved that quote I put on a few weeks ago talking about how grief doesn't have a beginning, middle or an end in this life. I do feel as time has passed that those moments have been a little less often and I'm learning more and more how to deal with it. I know from others that have been through this that it does get easier but never goes away. I will continue to take it one day at a time and continue to feel all I need to feel so I will heal as much as I possibly can. There is moments of joy in our lives now and they seem to be even more sweet than we ever thought possible. When you have experience the bitter the sweet seems to be even better. We will always miss our little boy! There will always be a void in our life and there will be many more moments of sorrow until the day comes that we are together again as a whole family with each chair filled. We love you Wyatt....we miss you...and we continue to ache for you.