If God loves me why this?

I checked out this book at the library last week called "If God loves me then why this?" It caught my eye because I've wondered that so many times this past year. Let's just say this has been the most difficult year of my life. I haven't finished reading this book yet but last night as I was reading I read this part about Satan and how he will put lies into our heads and tries to make us believe them. I've had so many of those lies come to me this past year. One of them has been... I must have done something wrong for this to have happened. I have come to find out how false that is. Bad things DO happen to good people. Look at Joseph Smith and Emma and all that they had to go through. There are countless good people in history that have had horrible things happen to them. We are not exempt to having bad things happen to us because we are living the gospel. This life is a testing period. I think sometimes we think as long as we are doing everything we are asked we will be blessed and won't have anything bad happen. That is just not true! But Satan wants us to believe these lies.

Another lie I've struggled with is the issue of faith. I really hate hearing stories now that end with...because of my faith ...was healed or because of our faith we had a miracle happen. I know I had enough faith that Wyatt could have been healed. But Satan wants me to believe that I didn't and that is why we didn't have our miracle happen. The hardest test of my faith is when my prayers didn't get answered the way I wanted it to. I think that is when our faith is tried and tested and in a way really shows how much faith we do posses. It's easy to have faith when our prayers are answered exactly how we want them to be. The true test of our faith is when they aren't answered how we think they should be. I also feel a part of faith is trusting that Heavenly Father knows better than us and with that knowledge we need to put our complete trust in him. That has been hard for me during this roller coaster of grief that I've been on. I just can't think that Wyatt is needed more somewhere else than in my arms. How could he possibly be in a better place than where he was in our home being loved and adored. It's hard! I do know that there is a purpose in ALL things and maybe someday I will know why. Until then I am so grateful for all the tender mercies I've received this past year. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of me and what I'm going through each and everyday. He has placed people in my life to help me and I'm so grateful for that. I think he understands how hard this is and how it's going to be hard all of my life. If I stopped loving Wyatt I think I could move on and "be over him" but that won't ever happen. I think I will think about him everyday of my life until he is in my arms again. Why wouldn't I do that? I'm his mom and I continue to love him like I love my other kids. He's still a part of me.

I continue to have waves of grief hit me. One hit me yesterday morning and I couldn't stop crying. I sat on the couch holding Hay and listening to the songs I had put on this blog and cried. Hay and I talked about Wyatt and what we miss about him. She said she misses tickling him because he always loved that and would laugh and giggle. I'm so glad her memory of him hasn't faded yet. I hope I can keep his memory alive for her. She spent probably the most time with him besides me mainly because everyone else had school or other things to do. Hayley and I stayed at home each day enjoying being Wyatt's mom and sister. Hay loved to show off to Wyatt and he loved to sit and watch her with a smile or two as she would say "you sister is amazing."

I signed Hay up for preschool a couple of weeks ago and the teacher asked me how many kids I had. I said 4. She then asked where Hay fit into the family and I told her she was our 3rd. She then said to Hay "oh, you get to be a little sister and a big sister." I didn't have the heart at the time to tell her that she doesn't get to be that big sister anymore and will have to wait until the Millennium for that. That is one of many hard moments.

This picture of Wyatt and Hay is literally the last picture I took of him....it was the last picture on my camera. I had just gotten him that sweater for spring and wanted to take his picture in it. Hay always wanted to be included.