Time

It's amazing to me how grief comes in waves. I've had a few good days where I felt some what normal but then it hits and out of the blue. I guess I need to qualify "a few good days" Everyday I feel the affects of grief. Some days though it comes harder and stays longer. So I guess those days where it isn't as intense and doesn't seem to stay as long will qualify as "a good day". This morning as I came home to an empty house after taking Hayley to preschool it hit me. This was going to be my Wyatt time...his one on one time. I know I've expressed this before but man the house is too quiet. I should be cleaning up after a one year old. I should be doing all those things you do for a one year old but I'm not.
On Saturday we were doing some yard work and I had to think how hard Wyatt would have been if he was here. I know I would have been chasing him and trying to keep him from the street. I probably would have been thinking how glad I was that he was our last and that I was ready to move onto the next stage in life. I was ready for that but now I'm not. I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward to that stage of not having little ones in our house. I feel robbed that it's happening way to quickly for me. Oh, I planned on enjoying every stage of Wyatt because he was our last. I can say I did enjoy every moment of those 5 1/2 months I had with him and in a way maybe that makes me miss him even more. Now, I have to go through the rest of my life with the what if's.

Today is the 13th. It's been 10 months since Wyatt died. That is probably why the grief is hitting me today. It's weird how those dates can do that to me. How have I lived those many days and months without him in it? Time seems to continue on when in my heart I feel it shouldn't be. It's such a weird thing to experience. I truly can't imagine going through 50 or more years without him. That is when I have to just think of the present and take it one day at a time because it becomes way too overwhelming to think anything more than that. Grief is such a crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out. I do know that Heavenly Father has blessed me these 10 months with so many tender mercies and answered prayers. How grateful I am for that. Here are a few pictures I took one morning while he was sleeping. I will always cherish each and every picture I have of my sweet Wyatt.

I have at least 25 more pictures I took that morning. I'm so grateful I took the time out of my busy day to enjoy him sweetly sleeping. I will cherish them all my life.
Now I have to put on the happy face and go and try and be a mom for my 9 year old at school. I've been volunteering in her class this year. I'm so grateful for each of my children.