Halloween 2008

Here are a few pictures from our Halloween night. We had a cheerleader, a witch and a jail bird. We got to have an extra special treat--my brothers son Josh was here as batman and went with Tyler. I think the kids had a great time.

We have a neighborhood party with a jumping gym, food, and wonderful neighbors each year. I just couldn't get myself to go to that this year..social settings can be very hard especially with all the memories of last year holding Wyatt in his peacock outfit. I've just had a really difficult week and it wasn't something I felt like I could do this year. Maybe next year. Derek took the kids to that and they had a wonderful time. I went to the cemetery for a few minutes. I've never been to a cemetery on Halloween night..it actually was a very peaceful and quiet place. I just needed some time to think about my Wyatt and cry a little. I then met up with Derek and the kids and we went around the neighborhood trick or treating. Tyler came home with his friends and they dumped out all their candy and started trading. It was fun to hear them trying to negotiate for different candy. Hayley and Emily went through their candy and picked out their 10 pieces and put the rest on the fireplace hearth for the Halloween fairy. It's almost like Christmas eve for them because they can't wait to see the present the Halloween fairy brings. All in all I think I survived my first Halloween without Wyatt...it's been a difficult one (understatement)but I'm hoping next year will be different. If not--I know I can survive it because I did this year.

Go BYU!

Emily borrowed this costume from her friend. I just love the shoes and tights.

Tyler and Cousin Josh

Trading their candy.

Hard week

This is one of the only pictures I have with all of my kids. When we had our family pictures taken a year ago the thought came to me that I should get one of just the kids together. Wyatt was such a newborn so, I thought I will just get one next year when he is older. Oh, how I wish I would have listened to my heart at that time.

This has been a very difficult week. (No big surprise, I'm sure) I can't even describe in words the longing I feel to have Wyatt back into my life. The memories that he won't be apart of is killing me. Halloween is one of those. I just don't know if I can do it.

Everyone of my kids has been a pig when they were 1 years old. I remember thinking last year how I wouldn't need to get a costume for Wyatt because he would be a pig like Tyler, Emily and Hayley. Each reminder of what I'm missing out on is tearing at my heart. I'm hoping as time goes on it gets easier.

This is Hayley in the pig costume 3 years ago--I would have put Tyler and Emily's on here but their pictures aren't digital.

I needed this today. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior could have healed my baby. I guess I'm just wondering if he can heal my broken heart.

(You will need to pause the player on the side bar to hear the wonderful music on this video.)

Missing my baby

Missing my baby today! It's been a while since I listened to this song by Kenny Chesney. It explains some of my feelings so well.

Fall

I love Southern Utah in the fall. The weather is absolutely perfect and it's just beautiful. Yesterday we went as a family on a hike(walk) to a place we had never been to before. My sweet husband missed the BYU game so we could do something as a family. I know what a sacrifice that was for him which makes me love him even more.

It was such a beautiful hike with the red rock and blue, blue sky. The weather was absolutely perfect! I've added some of the pictures we took. On our hike there was a bush with little yellow flowers on it. I pointed it out to Hayley and she got so excited and asked if she could pick one. So we picked one and then she said this is for Wyatt's grave...Wyatt loves flowers doesn't he mom? Yes, he does Hayley. She ended up picking off all the petals while we were driving back home but isn't it the thought that counts? She is always looking out for her little brother. She has decided what things he is going to need when he comes back to life. Things she is willing to pass down to him i.e. potty chair, books, blankets and toys. A few weeks before Wyatt's birthday she saw a book at the bookstore that she needed to get for him when he comes back to life. She convinced me that this was very important and that he needed it. So we bought it and she wrapped it up for him. She has such a tender heart. At the end of the trail a beautiful black butterfly flew around us...we were able to have our Wyatt moment. Whenever we do things as a family there is a void there. I feel it probably the most but it makes me that much more excited for when we will be together again as a whole family.

This year my parents grew gourds in their garden and I was so excited to get some to put in my window boxes. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Halloween Party

Each year one of my good friends throws a Halloween party. It is one amazing party every year. She starts planning a year in advance and it's something we look forward to each year. It was last night and yes, my husband dressed up as a hula dancer. He won the award for the funniest costume and got a trophy and ribbon. When we got home from the party I looked up at the mantel above our fireplace and Derek had placed his trophy and ribbon on it. I had a good little laugh over that..way to go honey!

It's a "major award."

When Someone you Love is Bereaved

I've had people ask me what to do for someone that is mourning or grieving. I'm new to this whole grieving process so I've asked Michelle who lost her James 2 years ago if I could post on my side bar her list of what to do and not to do. I know I linked her list on a post a while ago but she has added to it. Everything she has listed is exactly how I feel. I hope it might help someone out there that doesn't know what to say or do for someone they love. Look at my side bar and you will find the list. Thank you Michelle for sharing.

The wave

Big Beach on Maui

The first part of the week I felt like maybe I was going to make it through this. I felt a sense of renewed hope but then a wave hit me and it hit hard. I should have known it was coming. It was almost like I was standing at the edge of a beach watching the beautiful waves and enjoying them when all of the sudden out of no where a wave hits me and drags me out to sea. I felt like I was drowning all day yesterday. My kids are wonderful distractions but sometimes they can't even take me out of the depths of heartache I'm feeling. Grief is not easy! My heart aches and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. I read a quote yesterday that I know I've read before but it seemed to hit home more yesterday than ever before. It's by Neal A. Maxwell--he said:

"There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point that is reached--a
point of aloneness--when the individual must bear it, as it were, alone. Even
the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are some way
forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand on the foot of the cross often can do so
little to help absorb the pain and anguish. It is something we must bear
ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

I think each of us will have our own "Gethsemane's" to face during our life's. Nothing like what our Savior had to go through but times when we feel so alone and in some way forsaken. I feel I need to document these hard times when hope, prayer, and knowledge seems to not be enough. It's hard but something I have to bear and bear it alone. Usually at the end of the suffering an earth angel will help me out of the pit I was in. How grateful I for earth angels! Another reason I feel I need to document the hard times(yes, I'm aware that I'm pretty good at this and I don't always find the positive in everything. I'm also aware that it must be exhausting reading my downer posts all the time but as I explain here I need to do it) is in case sometime in the future if my kids or grand kids face this same trial or one just as hard they will hopefully be able to read what I've written and see that yes there are hard times and it's OK. Time will hopefully heal but I don't think it will ever take away the hole in my heart. We have to experience the bitter to feel the sweet. As Elder Maxwell said: "It is something we must bear ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

My friend Gillian(she lost her precious Zachary exactly one month before Wyatt died) pointed this out to me last week she said "I think my new favorite scripture is John 11:35 that tells us simply that “Jesus wept”. Surely He had perfect faith and a perfect understanding of the gospel and plan of salvation. But he wept because he loved his friend so much and felt the tremendous loss." I'm so grateful for our Saviors example. I sometimes feel that people might think grief has something to do with faith. I'm learning first hand that it has nothing to do with it. No amount of faith can take away the heartache I feel as I miss my Wyatt. Yes, faith gives me hope for a wonderful future with my Wyatt but it doesn't take away the fact that my heart is bleeding and my arms ache to hold him again. It's OK to weep as Jesus did. There will be hard days when waves will literally knock us down but there is also a hope for better ones as well. As my sweet husband pointed out to me "the sun will always rise, and the eternities will shine brightly."

Breathe

A year ago today my sweet friend Jen watched as her little Luke took his last breath. She commented to me this weekend that she couldn't believe that she had breathed for 365 days without her little boy. Luke only lived 4 short months and spent all of those months at PCMC. My heart just aches to think what Jen and her family had to go through those 4 months. I feel guilty that I was able to bring my baby home when he was born and enjoy 5 1/2 wonderful months with him while she spent her 4 months at the hospital. My heart aches for her loss. Thinking and praying for you today Jen.

Since Wyatt's passing there have been so many days where I have thought "how am I going to breathe for another day when a part of me isn't breathing anymore?" That thought came to me this morning in fact. The heaviness of grief and loss can make just doing the simple almost impossible. There have been days I really didn't want to breathe anymore but knew I had to. I'm grateful those days are not as often but they do still come--unexpectedly.

Hayley has started taking Wyatt's roll as far as getting up in the night. Lately she has been getting up around 4am the same time as Wyatt use to wake up to eat. She climbs in bed with me and snuggles up to me. I enjoy this time so much...to just feel and hear her breathe. I watch as her stomach goes up and down. It makes me realize how grateful I am for her breaths along with Tyler's, Emily's and Derek's. It helps me to try and breathe and know I still have wonderful blessings in my life.

Today at Costco there was a newborn baby crying--it took my breath away. For an instant it brought back what I had a year ago and I had to think is he really gone? Oh, it's just plain hard! Anyway, this baby was stuck in his car seat and the mom was just busy shopping and was ignoring him. I wanted to run up to the mother and tell her to pick him up--love him, kiss him, snuggle with him, cherish every second with him because you never know how long you will have him. I didn't do that but man it's tempting sometimes. Then I realize I need to do that with my kids that are with me now. I have much to be grateful for.

I know I have said this before but losing Wyatt has put so many things into perspective for me. Things I thought mattered before really don't matter now. I would do any thing or give away any thing to have him back in my arms again....breathing!

The Storm

Image credit: Simon Dewey

Helamen 5:12: And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the
rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your
foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his
shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall
beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of
misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a
sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

Ever since Wyatt died I have been fighting a battle between good and evil. I have felt that Satan is aware of me and what I'm going through. He is aware of how hard this is for me and he is trying to make me fall. This is his chance to get to me, to make me doubt my belief's, to get me discouraged and to try and break up our family. He has put doubts into my mind and it has literally put fear into my soul. During those moments I have had to look back on those moments in my life when I have felt the Holy Ghost testify to me of all the many things that are true. Especially, the knowledge that I know deep down in my heart that Jesus Christ lives. He is my hope and he is my rock. I have had to remember many of the spiritual moments in my past to survive the present. As I have reflected on those experiences the realization came to me that each of those moments were building a foundation. A foundation that would help me through the storms I would have to pass. My gratitude for my Savior has deepened and the hope he gives me is unspeakable. I never thought I would literally have to survive the mighty winds, the shafts in the whirlwind, the hail and the mighty storms of the devil. I've felt him trying to drag me down to endless wo but he has no power over me when I put my trust in Jesus Christ. It's kind of a scary thing thinking that Satan is aware of me but it's also empowering because I know through Jesus Christ I can overcome him. It kind of makes me mad that he would even try to do this to me and that makes me want to try even harder. But on those days when feel I can't try anymore I have to rely on those spiritual moments in my past and the foundation that has been built. So, that the storms will have no power over me.

I've also thought a lot about the tree of life and Lehi's dream. I can almost see myself literally hanging onto the rod of iron(the word of God) with all my might as the mist of darkness surrounds me. On some of my hardest and most discouraging days the only thing that has helped me out of that darkness for a moment is the word of God. It's has come from the words of prophets, apostles and from the scriptures. I've felt the comfort that comes from cleaving to those things. How grateful I am for inspiring words. I can't tell you how many times I've been having a hard moment and just opened the scriptures to whatever page it happens to be on and there has always been a scripture that has either lifted me up or eased my burden for a moment. I'm grateful for those tender mercies in my life.

The other thing that has literally helped me through this mist of darkness is the many angels in my life. Ones that know what it's like to lose a child and ones that don't fully understand but are there to encourage, lift and help me. How grateful I am for everyone that has touched my heart and helped ease my burden by being there to comfort and mourn with me.

This life is a test and wasn't meant to be easy. We will each be tested to see who's side we are on. I know through the Savior Jesus Christ we can make it through all the tests we are given in this life. He is the one that fully knows what it's like to go through each and every trial, sickness, heartache, discouragement, sin, death ---everything! Alma 7:12: "...that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to his infirmities." He knows how to comfort, bless and help us because he has experienced it. How grateful I am that he is there and that he knows how to comfort me through the scriptures, with the Holy Ghost and by placing amazing people in my life. I know through him I can make it through the storms of life and Satan will have no power. I have hope of spending eternity with all of my kids and with my sweet husband.

One year ago

I knew it would be hard to get back from vacation but I didn't realize how hard it would be. I was able to put the grief away for a bit but it was waiting for me when I got home. I guess being away from my kids and returning made Wyatt's absence even more profound for me. It was a sweet reunion as we hugged each other. But there was something missing...Wyatt. It will be a glorious day when we are all together again as a family. As we were sitting around at the bar eating lunch on Saturday the empty bar stool where Wyatt should be stood out more than it ever has.

Yesterday was an especially hard day. 7 months since Wyatt passed away. Also, a year ago yesterday was Wyatt's baby blessing and Emily's baptism. I hadn't remembered that it was on the 13th of last year until Emily pointed that out to me. Little did I know a year ago that I would only have 5 more months with my baby. I found the journal page I had made for Wyatt's scrapbook it was exactly a year ago today that I wrote this. I've taken out what I had remembered about his blessing but included everything else. Looking back at a year ago I had not idea in the world that he wouldn't be here and that I would be mourning his absence. Oh, it's just so hard.

October 14, 2007

You were born on Friday, September 21st at 7:42am. Your mom and dad were thrilled to have you here. Your older brother and sisters were extremely excited to finally meet you. You weighed 6 lbs. 14 oz. and was 20 1/2 inches long. You had a little trouble breathing the first few hours and you were on oxygen to help you breath but you were soon able to breath on your own.
You are truly a gift from heaven! You are absolutely perfect. Your mom fell in love with you the second she saw you. You are a cherished gift from our Heavenly Father. You have brought such incredible happiness and joy to our family and we feel so blessed to have you as part of our family. You seem so small to us and we are enjoying just holding and looking at your tiny features. You are held all the time with your brother, sisters and parents constantly enjoying you.
Yesterday you were given a name and a blessing by your dad. It was an extra special day because your sister Emily was baptized at the same time. Your dad gave you such a neat blessing. Your grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins were there to enjoy this special occasion. You were passed around all day with everyone enjoying you. It was an absolutely beautiful day with incredible weather, wonderful friends and family.
Wyatt we are so grateful to have you in our life. You are so much fun! We are cherishing every little thing you do. We love you so much and are so grateful that you are part of our life. You are truly a gift from Heaven!

October 14, 2008

Oh, how we miss the joy you brought to our family. The completeness we felt and the happiness that radiated in our home. You are missed every second of the day and night. Oh, how we look forward to the day with hope and joy when you are in our arms again. You are now a gift in heaven waiting for each of us to return. How we anticipate enjoying you once again. We miss and love you Wyatt!

Wyatt moment

As I stated yesterday was an especially hard day. I struggled with trying to do anything and trying to keep the urge of going back to bed away. I couldn't help it and spent a good portion of my day in bed. It reminded me a lot of those first couple of months. On the plus side it showed to me that I have improved but man it can hit hard.

Well, it was a day I needed a Wyatt moment. I prayed to see a butterfly just to know Wyatt is aware but knew that it probably wouldn't happen since it's gotten cold here all of the sudden. If I was a butterfly I would skip town too. I even went on a walk which I really didn't want to do just in case there might be a butterfly out there. There wasn't.

My sweet Tyler got home from school and I always ask how his day went. He said great! I'm so grateful for my kids...they are amazing. I asked why his day was so great and he said he got 35/25 on his art project. He loves extra credit and being able to make his already high score higher is always an added plus for him. I asked him to show me what he had drawn to get such a great score. He pulled out this


I held back the tears. It was the Wyatt moment I needed. It helped me pick up and do the things I needed to do for the rest of the day. Thank you Tyler for being an answer to my prayers.

Maui

Derek and I got back yesterday from our week in Maui. It was wonderful, amazing and something we needed more than I thought. We had a lot of fun together. I've added some of the many pictures we took during our week. I'm so grateful for Derek and for our marriage. I'm also so grateful for the beauties of this earth. Grief can do weird things to you. I feel like I've been living in a fog since Wyatt died. Things don't give me the joy and pleasure like they use to do. I'm sure that will return as time goes on(at least I hope). I was able to have some moments in Maui when the beauties around me brought a little of that back and of course spending one on one time with my sweet heart was amazing. I'm grateful for any little glimpses of joy that come into my life. I also had many "Wyatt moments" with butterflies and rainbows. I've added one of my favorite songs "For the beauty of the earth." Maui truly is paradise and I'm so grateful for the beautiful earth we get to enjoy. I wondered at times if some of the beautiful things we were able to see and experience is a little bit of what Wyatt is enjoying right now....a little bit of heaven.

Maui

General Conference

Derek and I are here in beautiful Maui enjoying every second. I have not yet adjusted to the time change which means I'm waking up way too early. It has turned out to be a blessing. I worried when we booked this trip that we would be missing General Conference. I look forward to this every 6 months but more so now since Wyatt died. I need those talks to give me the strength and comfort I am seeking. I figured we would just watch them when we got home since we are recording them. Since I awoke at 3am this morning I decided I would try and watch some of conference. I went onto LDS.org and started watching Saturday's sessions. I started taking notes but by the end I was in such a puddle of tears I couldn't even write. My heart is full of gratitude for living Prophets and apostles that have answered my prayers. They have given me hope, comfort and a will to move forward. This church is the true church upon this earth and how grateful I am that I have it to help me through this time in my life. My heart is full of deep gratitude to a loving Heavenly Father that sends angels among us to help us through the difficult challenges in all of our life's. How grateful I am for the hope our Savior Jesus Christ gives us. Because of him I will have my Wyatt again someday. I will be compensated with joy for all the many tears of sorrow I have shed. I have hope for a marvelous future with my Wyatt one that I don't think I even can comprehend right now. How grateful I am for the truths of this gospel and the marvelous men that lead it.

80%

There is a statistic that is quite alarming to me. 80% of couples get a divorce when they have lost a child. I know Derek and I won't be one of those. We are an eternal family and we have way to much at risk--we have our Wyatt waiting in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom for us. With that said I also see how important it is for us to build our marriage and make sure it's number one when a crisis like this happens. I'm grateful that our marriage was strong before Wyatt died and that it was a priority then because I can see how it could tear you apart if it wasn't. I'm glad it has done the opposite for us and has made us stronger and more understanding of one another. I have the greatest husband! He is so good to me and so patient with my grief. His grief has been so different than mine and at times it's been hard not to have him feel the same as I am feeling. I'm learning more and more how different we are but what a blessing that is. He has been able to pick up and move forward to provide for our family. If he grieved like me--well, we would probably be living in the streets right now. I'm not saying by any means our marriage is perfect--it's far from that but having Wyatt die has really shown us that we can get through anything..TOGETHER.
We had some frequent flier miles we needed to use or lose so we are going to Maui tomorrow. I haven't told very many people about it maybe because I'm feeling a little guilty that I'm not extremely excited. Don't get me wrong--I'm excited but probably not as excited as I would have been lets say ...7 months ago. So we are going to spend a week together building our relationship and making sure it survives through the storm we are going through right now. Thank you to Derek's parents for coming and spending a week with our kids and thanks to my parents for helping us out on our accommodations. Until later...Aloha!