A year ago today...

A year ago today was Wyatt's funeral and burial. I can't believe I even have a day like this to remember. Though it was beyond sad it was also a day filled with hope, peace and love. The spirit was so strong and was with me the whole day. I look back and wonder how I did it. All I can say is the Holy Ghost comforted and helped me that day. Wyatt was definitely near. It was one day I will never forget. We felt such an out pouring of love from so many wonderful friends and family. We will be forever grateful to each and everyone that touched our hearts a year ago along with the many through this past year. I've added a few of the MANY pictures taken on that day. I'm glad I took my sisters camera at the viewing and took some pictures of Wyatt's body. I have not added them to these pictures but for my own personal self I'm glad I have pictures of my little boy's body...the last time I got to see his body until the resurrection.

My last moment with my baby.

Angel Day

Wyatt's grave...thank you everyone that have put things on it.

We survived our first angel day and it turned out to be a very sweet and special one. The peace was there and we felt such love from so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you to each and everyone that sent prayers and support our way. Thanks for all the sweet comments left on the blog. And thanks for the cards in the mail. All of it has been such a tender mercy for our family. Thanks to those of you that put things on Wyatt's grave..oh, that means so much to me.

We woke up and looked out into our front yard and someone had put paper butterflies covering our entire front yard. It brought tears to my eyes. Oh, I can't tell you how much that meant to me to see. So, whoever did that for us THANK YOU. They were each cut out individually. I can't even imagine how much time that must have taken so thank you sooooo much! What a sweet tender mercy for our family. I'm so grateful for so many that showered us with love and support yesterday.

The kids went to school and my parents tended Hayley so Derek and I could go to the temple. While we were at the temple my parents planted our pots in the backyard for us. Thank you mom and dad...we love them!

The temple was one of the greatest mercies for me of the day. We did sealings. When we entered the sealing room there was already another couple in there. When it was our turn the sealer said "this couple is here celebrating their 10th anniversary are you here celebrating something?" Derek and I both hesitated and I looked at Derek and wondered if we should tell him because I guess the word "celebrating" took me off guard. But I felt like we needed to so I said "um...yes, we are here because a year ago today our little boy passed away." I'm sure that was not at all what the sealer was expecting..he said "well then we will all be very close today". We did many sealings and as always I held back the tears as much as possible as I would listen to the wonderful blessings promised there...those promises that give me so much hope. At the end the sealer then asked us if we didn't mind sharing what happened a year ago. I then told him the short version of Wyatt's last week here on earth. There was not a dry face in the room..even my sweet husband teared up which he hasn't done since Wyatt died. The sealer was very touched and it was such a tender mercy for me to be able to share our Wyatt with these people we didn't know and to have them show such tenderness towards us. The other couple were both in tears and after, the husband told us that he had lost his brother to a drowning many years ago. It was such a special moment where the spirit was very strong...at least for me. I'm so very grateful for the temple and all the wonderful blessings it can give us. I'm always so grateful for the chance to share my Wyatt with whomever will listen. So, that was a tender mercy I will be forever grateful for.

We then went home to put a few things on Wyatt's grave before the kids got home from school. On our way home though we stopped at Home Depot to get some wire so we could wire stuff at his grave. As we entered Home depot I noticed the weeping cherry trees. We had a weeping cherry tree at our house in Orem and I loved it. I told Derek how much I missed having that tree. Then the thought came to me that we should get one and plant it in our backyard in memory of Wyatt. I loved the name of the tree "weeping" because I've spent a lot of time doing that this year and I felt like that was very symbolic of us making it through our first year without our sweet little guy. So we bought a weeping cherry tree that we planted today next to the rose bushes my parents bought us when Wyatt was born.

Once the kids got home from school we went to Wyatt's grave. We had blown up balloons and had the kids write on them. I felt like that was a good thing on his birthday to let them express how they were feeling so I decided last minute to do it again. We then released them at Wyatt's grave. Then we released the 5 butterflies that we watched from being a caterpillar to a chrysalis to a butterfly. What an amazing process we got to experience. The butterfly release was even neater than I had expected. There was one butterfly that was bigger then the others and I felt like it was the prettiest. Well, that one didn't fly away. It stayed around and let each of us hold it. After each of us held it, it then would fly a little ways and the girls would catch it again. This went on for a long time. There was one moment when Emily was holding it and it flew right at me and around me...pretty much attacked me. Oh, I just had to think that Wyatt had something to do with this. As I watched the girls running and laughing in the cemetery (of all places) enjoying this butterfly it did my heart good. It was a really neat experience for our family and what a tender mercy! That butterfly eventually flew off and we didn't see it again.

All in all it was a very peaceful day. I'm sure it was because of the many prayers offered in our behalf. Thank you to each and everyone that remembered us on this anniversary... I never thought we would ever have. Thanks for all the love and concern that was given to us. We feel very blessed with all the wonderful and amazing people in our lives. Here are some pictures from our day yesterday. I obviously like taking pictures so there are a ton.

Our first "Wyatt moment" of the day.

The pots in our back yard.

The butterfly farm.
Releasing the butterflies.Four of the butterflies with their wings out. The whole time they were in our house I wanted to see them with all their wings out...this was neat for me. It happened right before we released them. The girls chasing the butterfly.

The pretty blossoms at the cemetery.

A plant from the Relief Society Presidency

Gerber Daisies(my favorite flower) from my kindred spirit...Jen.

Our "Weeping"Cherry Tree

One year

I don't even know where to begin or how to express the emotions that are going through me right now. Lets just say this has been a very hard week. All the memories of a year ago are replaying in my mind. The way the sun was the night we took Wyatt to instacare, the blossoms and the awful, awful memories. I saw things that no mother should ever have to watch their baby go through. The feeling of helplessness I felt a year ago... I can't even come up with words to describe it. I knew this week would be hard but I'm finding these moments this week harder than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm reliving the week of a year ago but without that added strength and comfort that was soooo there last year. There was more of a shock factor a year ago...too much for me to even comprehend but now that is gone and I'm trying deal with all those awful memories. But along side those awful memories are the most spiritual memories of my life and I will always cherish and hold onto those incredible moments and days where the Holy Ghost touched me like I've never been touched before.

I really can not believe I have lived and that I have actually breathed for almost 365 days without my Wyatt. In a sense it has been 365 days because yesterday was the day it all happened and he never woke up again. Yesterday, as I woke up I thought in my mind how have I done it...how have I possibly lived for that many days with the grief and sorrow and pain. Here is a list of a few things that have helped me live and what continues to help me live through this most difficult of trials.

• My husband and kids...having them by my side as helped me so much. Words can't even describe how much love I feel for each of them. Hay has been there with me day in and day out. Even though she is only 3 years old and now 4 she has known how to comfort her mom. I feel at times that since she is younger and maybe more pure that she has been extremely in tune to the spirit and has come to me in those moments when I've needed her the most. Sometimes that has been in the middle of the night along with the numerous times during the day. Each of my kids have been a strength to me and my husband has been a rock. He has not judged me or told me how I should grieve but he has been there to listen, love and care for me. I will be forever grateful for the wonderful husband and children I have been blessed with.



• The Savior: Because of him I have hope. I don't know what I would do without that hope. It's hard for me to even come up with words that express fully how I feel about him and all he has done for me. How grateful I am for him!
  


• Music: Music has always had a way of touching my spirit and comforting me. It has done that for me so much this past year. The hymns especially have brought comfort and peace to my soul as I have listened more closely to the words. I have had some neat moments with "God be with you till we meet again" I will always cherish those tender mercies that I felt came from my Wyatt. I know that I will be with Wyatt again..the words don't say "if" we meet again but "till" we meet again. And I believe that is so true and I can't wait until that day! Music has been bittersweet. Sacrament meeting has been hard at times trying to hold back the tears as words speak to my soul. The words of hope of the resurrection will always brings tears to my face as I think of that most wonderful day when I will be holding my baby again in my arms. The hymns that focus on the Savior have been especially tender to me because it is because of him that I have any hope at all. The sting of death is taken away because of Jesus Christ. I love music and I am very grateful for it's influence in my life especially during this year...the hardest year of my entire life!



• Prayer: I have to say prayer has been big in helping me through this last year. My individual prayers but mostly those prayers I have felt others offer in my behalf and in the behalf of my kids and husband. So thank you to each and everyone of you that have offered prayers for us and continue to offer prayers for us. We will be forever grateful for that. I also feel that many of my individual prayers have been answered by the many earth angels in my life and through this blog. I'm so grateful for each and every person that has been an instrument in heavenly fathers hands to help me.



• Angels: Those seen and unseen. Especially all the earth angels that have touched my life and helped me through this. I don't think I could list everyone that has touched my life but I want to thank each and everyone of you for all that has been done in my behalf. I can't tell you how comforting it has been to me when someone has e-mailed me or left a tender comment on the blog or sent me a letter or a gift or called me...oh, I could go on and on with the amazing things people have done for me. How grateful I am for each and every ornament we received for Wyatt's tree...I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to each and every person that has touched my life for good. I'm especially grateful for those courageous people that have taken the time to come and ask me how I might be doing and really want to know. Or for those of you that have sent an encouraging note or one just asking how I was doing. I am grateful for each and every tender mercy that has come to me. Thanks to those of you that have brought Wyatt up in conversation. I think that is one of the greatest tender mercies for me is to have someone remember my sweet little boy. So THANK YOU to so many people..those I know and don't know. I also need to thank all the family members from both sides of our families that have been so supportive and wonderful to us. I'm also grateful for the unseen angels that I believe have been there to help when when I've needed it the most and I will be forever grateful for that.



• Satan: This obviously needs some explanation. I guess I'm grateful for the fact that I have known this whole year how Satan is so there and wants me and my family. It has been a good thing for me because I have been able to recognize those moments when I felt doubt, discouragement and despair. I've been able to identify that those feelings on the most part are from Satan and that he is very aware of how hard this is and how this is his time to try and get me to turn away from what I have believed all my life. I have had some very dark and hard moments where doubts have filled me. I have had to rely on that testimony I had before Wyatt died more than I ever have in my entire life. I've had to remember those moments when I know without a doubt that I have felt the holy ghost bear witness to me that so many things are true. The thing that I've learned the most from attending the temple this year is how Satan is always there trying to lead us away from those things that are the most important in our lives. I guess what I've learned and I'm continuing to learn is that I'm fighting a battle and some how I've got to come out on top because I've got to make it back to Wyatt.



• Words: Those from the scriptures and those from apostles and prophets. The words that I've read and clung to this year have helped me beyond description. I could name off so many quotes that have comforted my soul and have given me hope. Talks from apostles and prophet that I felt like they were speaking right to me. I don't know what I would have done without the many words I have read. I'm grateful for the many books that are out there on grief...so that I can know that what I am feeling and going through is normal since before this happened I had no idea about grief and what it does. The scriptures on countless occasions have helped me through a difficult day or moment.



• Angel Moms: There was a strength that came upon me during Wyatt's last week on this earth and the weeks that followed. I almost thought that this was how it was going to be and I would be able to make it through this but then it left and I was left to feel the real pain of losing a child. I remember reading a comment on Wyatt's obituary from the president of the Healing Hearts Angel group and her inviting me to the group. I remember thinking I don't think I will need that...oh, how naive I was. After a few weeks with the strength and peace gone I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to know there were other moms out there with the same awful pain I was feeling and I needed to know that I was normal in all the emotions and things that were going through my mind. I'm so grateful for the amazing, wonderful mom's that I've meet this past year that knows what it's like to feel and go through all that I've been going through. They have lifted me up when I didn't know if I could do it anymore. They encouraged me and have helped me along and I don't know where I would be today without all of them. So thank you each and every angel mom that has helped me and continues to help me. Especially thanks to my kindred spirit.



• Blog: This blog has been good for me in a lot of ways. It has helped me express so many feelings and emotions. I'm especially grateful for all the sweet comments from so many wonderful people. People I know and people I don't know. I can't tell you how much that has helped me when I've needed some added strength to read such uplifting and loving comments from so many of you. Thank you. I'm also grateful for the blog and it's ability to connected me to so many of those Angel mom's I just spoke of. I feel like each person that as come into my life this year has been an answer to prayers.



• Temple: I'm grateful to have been able to go to the temple a lot this past year. I have felt added strength to fight against those hard moments of doubt. I've enjoyed the peace and spirit that is there. I'm especially grateful for the eternal aspect of the temple and the knowledge that we are a forever family.



• Butterflies: I'm grateful for each and every butterfly moment that I've had and I hope to continue to have those moments. I feel it a great blessing to have had so many distinctive moments where I've known it was Wyatt letting me know he is aware of me. Along with all the other tender mercies that have been given to me to know that Wyatt is still there and aware.

Wow, I could go on and on with this list but I think I will stop. My life is forever changed. The grief will not end because it has been a year. I loved that quote I put on a few weeks ago talking about how grief doesn't have a beginning, middle or an end in this life. I do feel as time has passed that those moments have been a little less often and I'm learning more and more how to deal with it. I know from others that have been through this that it does get easier but never goes away. I will continue to take it one day at a time and continue to feel all I need to feel so I will heal as much as I possibly can. There is moments of joy in our lives now and they seem to be even more sweet than we ever thought possible. When you have experience the bitter the sweet seems to be even better. We will always miss our little boy! There will always be a void in our life and there will be many more moments of sorrow until the day comes that we are together again as a whole family with each chair filled. We love you Wyatt....we miss you...and we continue to ache for you.

Poem

We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.

Each morning when we awake,
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
As we try to carry on.

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.

Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still,

There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.

If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.

We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.

Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
~ Author unknown~

Wyatt moments

I had 3 Wyatt moments today. Two while driving in the car and one in our backyard. I can't tell you much I have missed having these moments with butterflies the past few months. Today was a hard day and I was very grateful for this tender mercy. I just love the colors of this butterfly. All 3 I saw today were this kind of butterfly. I've never seen one like this before...it's simply beautiful! I love blue and brown together...those were the colors I was going to make Wyatt's room into when he got a little bigger. It was neat seeing a butterfly with those colors. While I was taking this butterflies picture it kept flying towards me...I had to duck a couple of times because I thought it was going to hit me in the head. I'm grateful for each and every moment that makes me feel Wyatt close. This was one of those moments.

Pretty blossoms

Heavy Heart/Butterflies

My heart has had some heavy moments today. My heart aches for the Gledhill's as they have had to say goodbye to their sweet little Gracie today. It's hurts to know that they will have to travel the long road of grief and sorrow. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It has also brought back the memories of almost a year ago. The decision to take Wyatt off life support and put our complete trust in the Lord was comforting but also heart wrenching.

The change of weather is bringing some of those feelings of a year ago back to me. The plum trees are now showing their blossoms which means it's getting closer to that day we laid Wyatt to rest. It was such a beautiful spring day with the trees popping out with abundant color and beauty. My heart aches to think it's been almost a year since we had to say goodbye and I still long to have him back in my life. The grief is still there. As Elder Russell M. Nelson says: "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" I will forever love my Wyatt so until he is in my arms again there will always be a degree of sorrow in my life. Wyatt's absence in our lives is still felt each and every day.

I continue to struggle with many aspects of grief, life and the emotions attached to it all. I'm learning more and more each week as we have faced different difficult situations that life is just plain hard. And I've struggled lately with how unfair it all is. I continue to take one day at a time because that is all I can do right now. I'm hoping that I will become refined from the trials of this life and not bitter. It's a constant battle I face each day.

I'm still clinging onto the hope of the resurrection when I get to have my little boy again in my arms. And the gratitude I feel in my heart for my Savior for taking the sting of death away from me is beyond description.

For Wyatt's angel day or graduation day next week we are going to release butterflies. Butterflies have been such a tender mercy to me and our family this past year. I've stated this before but when they moved Wyatt into his final room there was a butterfly on the door. I wondered why there would be a butterfly on his door since he was a boy but I also knew that everyone in PICU knew what we were going through because I could see it in their eyes. That is the way they let everyone know that he is leaving this life and moving onto the next. So, since his passing I've had some very distinctive moments with butterflies that I've known Wyatt is aware of me and what I'm feeling and going through. So I thought it would be a neat thing for my kids to watch caterpillars turn into butterflies and then we would release them on Wyatt's angel day next week. We already have 2 butterflies with 3 more in their chrysalis's. Hopefully, we can keep them alive for another week and 1/2 so we can release them on his angel day. I can't believe I even have a day like this to have to go through. A part of me just wants to stay home all day and cry but then a part of me wants to celebrate the wonderful almost 6 months we had with our sweet little boy. He has graduated into that next stage of existence. That day a year ago truly was the most spiritual day of my life! And on the other hand it was the most heart wrenching and sad days I have ever experienced.

Tonight I was reading a book by Russell M. Nelson and there was a paragraph I loved. He is talking about children dying: This is what he said:

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the
family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special
reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights
through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand." (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord."

Oh, the long days and the longer nights I know all too well. I feel Wyatt is helping our little family draw nearer to God. We miss the smallest flower from our family garden but we know we will have him again and what a marvelous time that will be.

Just needed to add one of my favorite pictures of our sweet little Wyatt.