Wedding

Congratulations to a beautiful couple...we love you guys!

Yesterday was my nieces wedding and what an amazing day it was. I will NEVER I mean never forget their sealing. Many tender mercies were shown to me and I will be forever grateful for them. I'm not going to go into detail with what happened but I do know Heavenly Father is VERY aware of me and so is Wyatt. It was a very special day for me...one I was not expecting at all. I'm so very grateful for the temple and the spiritual moments I have received there since I first entered those sacred doors and all the many wonderful moments as years have gone by.

My niece Amanda that got married yesterday is one amazing girl. I'm so grateful that I've gotten to be a part of her life. I'm so happy for her and her awesome husband Larry. They make a great couple! Amanda was going to college here when Wyatt was born. Out of anyone in our family she probably knew Wyatt the most except for maybe my parents. She would come over on Sundays and have dinner with us. She was at the hospital after Wyatt was born and held him each day. I'm so grateful that she was able to be a part of his short life. Here are some pictures from yesterday and one of Amanda holding Wyatt. I'm so very grateful for my family. They are so good to me. I'm so grateful for the eternal knowledge that I have that we are a forever family. It gives me such great hope for the future. Doesn't make this life that much easier but does give me some hope for the future. I will hold Wyatt again and it will be a glorious day. The hard part is being patient for that day.

Amanda holding Wyatt on the day he was born.Addie, Emily and Hayley...such beautiful girls!
Admiring the beautiful bride.The three little princesses.
Hayley with her cousin Mitch(she just adores him!)
Some of the beautiful flowers at the reception.TyEm
Hay

Memorial Day

Memorial day...a day I wish I didn't have a connection to as much as I do now. I think I've struggled more this year with this day than last year. It also doesn't help that we weren't home to go and be at Wyatt's grave. When we left on Friday for the weekend to go to my nieces wedding I cried knowing that my little boys grave wouldn't be visited this weekend. Not that he would care at all but for me I guess it's just hard knowing that he won't be included in the visiting that happens at the cemeteries this weekend. Oh, it's still so hard to believe this is my life...the life sentence that I've been given. I miss him so so much.

We do spend probably more time at his grave than most but for us it's a nice and peaceful place to go. It's such a beautiful cemetery. We have started going on Sunday nights while the weather is good. We have started a new little tradition of making a yummy treat and then eating it at Wyatt's grave. We then usually brings some bubbles or something to do at the cemetery. Our kids enjoy this family time and for us right now it's a good thing. We will often talk about the things we miss about Wyatt and the fun memories we have of him. I'm not sure how long we will do this but for now it's working. I'm so grateful we buried him close to our house. I needed him to be buried close to our house more than I thought at first. It's been a blessing for me.

Last week when Tyler got home from school Hayley ran up to him with great excitement and yelled "Tyler's home". The thought came to me that if Wyatt were still here he would be doing the same thing. I'm sure he would be so excited to see his big brother walk through the door. I could just see a cute little toddler running and yelling to his big brother. It just broke my heart when my thoughts came back to reality and the knowledge that that would never happen. Oh, the lost dreams for all of us.

Here's a couple of pictures I took before we left town. Hopefully, by next year we will have a bench there instead of the little marker.

It's still unreal to me that I have my little boys grave to decorate...it just doesn't seem right.

Grand Canyon--Rim to Rim

Last week I had the opportunity to hike the grand canyon with some amazing women. It was quite the adventure. It was probably one of the hardest physical things I've ever done in my life. I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I can do hard things...and if I can possible do this then maybe I can make it through this life with the heartache and pain I feel each day. It was extremely hard to say the least. Our intentions were to hike from the south rim of the grand canyon down into the grand canyon and come out on the north rim. It's around 19 miles with some steep ups and downs. One of the girls we were hiking with got heat exhaustion and that delayed us some so we ended up not doing it all in one day and spent the night at the bottom of the grand canyon beneath the stars. It was beautiful but not what I really wanted..my own bed. We all slept (layed there) on a huge rock until 3:15am. We then got up and started our hike out the canyon. The north rim ended up being closed to cars and that's a whole other story to how we got picked up. There were many prayers offered and answered that day. Anyway, it was beautiful with waterfalls and different rock formations. I'm so grateful for what I was able to see and experience. I'm grateful for this adventure and the things it taught me.

There was a lot of analogies I could think of while I was hiking and the one I kept thinking of was how this hike was so much like life. It was dang hard! Along with the hard there were beautiful things to look at and it was up to me to see those things. Sometimes I had to have someone point out the beautiful things and many times I had to look up to see the beauty because it wasn't right there in my face. Much like life...sometimes we have to seek and search and sometimes people have to point out to us the beauty in this life. Which has been a difficult thing for me this past year.
At the moments when my legs hurt and it was hot and hard and I didn't know if I could continue on I had to think to myself one step at a time...I am one step closer to finishing this. I think that a lot of the time with my daily life. One more day is one more day closer to Wyatt being in my arms and for our family being complete again. As the steep hills would come it reminded me of this past year and how hard it truly has been but as I've taken one day at a time with no expectations for that day I've been able to make it through the year. I continue to feel like I'm climbing one of the hardest mountains of my life as I try to figure out how to live when Wyatt isn't anymore. I continue to take it one day at a time. I'm now trying to learn how to enjoy the journey...like I tried on this hike.
I'm so glad I was able to do this hard thing to prove to myself that I am capable of doing hard things and I will end at the top. I can look around at my life and find those beautiful things in it...sometimes that is very difficult but if I look hard enough there is always something there(my kids and husband and many wonderful and kind people in my life and much more.) At the bottom of the grand canyon there were butterflies everywhere. I had my Wyatt moments all day long. It was really neat.

The amazing group of women I spent 3 days with.

Wyatt's name in the sand

There is an amazing lady in Mullaloo Point, Australia that writes children's names in the sand that have passed away. She has also experience the loss of her infant son Christian. Today she wrote Wyatt's name in the sand. When I saw it I started bawling. I can't tell you how much that touched my heart...especially on mothers day. I've been waiting for a few weeks for this picture. I needed that sweet tender mercy today. You can click on the picture and it will take you to the actual site where she posted Wyatt's name and the message we attached along with the other 4,000 + names. I've attached a copy. So grateful for the act of service this lady showed to us today...on the opposite side of the world. It was an answer to prayers. I love the beach and I love sunsets. I will cherish this beautiful picture always.

I'm also grateful for the fields of dandelions I saw on my way to my parents house this weekend. I could have taken about 10 + pictures of fields of dandelions just like the one I posted on the "mothers day" post. I've never noticed these beautiful fields before. I now feel like that poem was meant for me to see, so I could appreciate these fields filled with hundreds of yellow dandelions. It gave me more "Wyatt moments" to experience. I also received a wonderful gift from my brothers family. It was a framed picture of some amazing butterflies from Ecuador. I feel like that was one of the "Wyatt moments" I was so hoping for on this mothers day. I will not lie and say mothers day was easy because it wasn't but there were many sweet tender mercies shown my way this day. I do know that Wyatt does love me and is aware of his mom.

Sunday, May 10, 2009
Wyatt Lewis Larsen

September 21, 2007 - March 13th 2008

We love you Wyatt and miss you each and everyday. We look forward to the day when we get to hold you in our arms again.

Love,
Mom, Dad, Tyler, Emily and Hayley
"We are a Forever Family"

The "Wyatt moment" my brothers family gave me. Thank you!

Mother's Day

My "Wyatt moment" sent from my kindred spirit. Thanks Jen. :) It was also a phantom e-mail that came to both of us last week. Maybe our boys have access to the internet or something. We have no idea how it got to us. But I sure do LOVE IT! Simply amazing!

I'm so grateful for my wonderful, sweet and caring mother. For all she has done for me my whole life. She is amazing and I love her so much. I'm also so grateful for my mother-in-law. She is one of the kindest and most caring persons I know. I'm grateful for all the sacrifices they both have made for me and my family. So to these two amazing women...Happy Mothers Day on Sunday and thank you for everything! I love you both.

Mother's day for me as a mom since Wyatt died is not necessarily a "happy" day. In a way it is...I'm so grateful for all my children but when one of them isn't with me anymore it just hurts and it's hard. If Wyatt were a missionary serving somewhere far away I would be getting a phone call on mothers day. I would get to hear his voice and listen to all the wonderful things he was doing. I would get to hear those words "I love you" and I would get to say them back. I don't get that. In a way I feel like Wyatt is on a mission. I believe he has something important that he is doing on the other side for him to not be with us. Most likely teaching people the gospel. The hard part for me is I don't get to know what he is doing...what lives he might be changing. What people he is influencing right now. I don't get letters or e-mails updating me on how and what he is doing. I was telling Derek this the other night and of course crying and saying if he were a missionary here I would get to talk with him on Sunday. I would have that to look forward to but I don't. Derek gave me some hope and told me that maybe Wyatt in his own way will send a message to me. I'm hoping for something....anything. I saw this poem on a friends blog. I thought I would share. I'm not sure who wrote it. This is for all those angel mom's out there. Maybe this would be what Wyatt would like me to hear.

Dandelions From Heaven

Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.


So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above...Yes!
Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.


So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!


And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.


Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.


For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am always close to you....For dandelions are free to roam.....now just like me.


I will always be with you Mom....Happy Mothers Day

Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

Little brother...lost dreams

I have been really busy lately. I haven't had much time to blog. Thanks to so many for the sweet birthday wishes on Friday. I had a really nice day spent with family and friends. Thanks Leanne for the pedicure..it was wonderful. Thanks everyone for remembering me. I have such an amazing husband and I'm so grateful I got to spend the day with him. He is so good to me. He even made breakfast with the kids and brought it to me in bed. Thank you sweetie!

It's hard on those days of celebration to not wonder what it would be like if Wyatt were still here. My heart aches to think of the things we are missing out on...especially my other kids. They will never be the ages that they are right now again. Which means they will never be 12, 9 and 4 years old and have a little brother to enjoy. They will most likely be adults in the Millennium with their own children. Hayley the other day was telling me how much she wanted to hold Wyatt again and to carry him around. She wants to be that older sister to her little brother but will never get that chance as a 4 year old. She wants to give him hugs and kisses but can't. Emily wants to tend and take care of her little brother and continue to be his 2nd mom but can't anymore. Tyler would love to be able to play with Wyatt and teach him new things but that has been taken from him. I don't know how all of that will work out but right now it hurts my heart to think of what Tyler, Emily and Hayley are missing out on along with Derek and I. It's just such a hard thing to have to go through. The "what ifs" are hard. I'm sure there are people out there that would say...just don't think of those "what ifs" but it's easier said than done. I think a lot of things are easier said than done. I think it's human nature to wonder what things would be like in the perfect world. I continue to ache for my baby...I think I will do that until the day I die. Until then I'm trying so hard to cherish those moments I have with my husband and other kids. I am doing the best I can with the heavy heart that is inside me. Here are some pictures of Tyler, Emily and Hayley enjoying being the older brother and sisters to Wyatt. How will the loss of their little brother be made up to them? I do not know. Hopefully some how and in some way, compensation will come to them.