Tractor Pictures

I have so many events to document from this summer. I'm going to start with these few pictures first. We went up north a couple of times this summer and of course I took my camera and took a million pictures. Here are a few(many) pictures at my parents house.

I grew up on a fruit orchard. I think we had over 5 acres of all kinds of fruit. We spent our summers picking and selling fruit. Labor day was a big day for selling of pears and peaches. I didn't really enjoy growing up on a fruit farm at least I didn't think I enjoyed it until now when I look back at all the wonderful memories. I'm grateful now for the work ethnic that my parents taught me. Sometimes I wish we lived on a farm just so my kids could learn some of those most important life lessons. I try my best teaching them at home with jobs and chores around the house but I don't think they get the real deal. I will never forget the early summer mornings of picking cherries. I remember my fingers getting so sore after days of picking and picking. And of course having cherry fights with my brother and then my dad getting mad at us for wasting the cherries. There are so many memories with the orchard. Year long memories of working with my family. I'm so grateful to my parents and the many things they taught me.

I've found a new hobby...photography. I love learning how to use my camera and photoshop. It's been a fun thing for me. It's giving me more and more opportunities to capture moments with Tyler, Emily and Hayley. I've learned a lot from the web on how to use my camera and photoshop. I also won some DVD's on a photography blog that really taught me about how to manually use my camera and a bunch of other stuff. I'm looking forward to many years of learning how to take pictures.

Hayley LOVES tomatoes. She was in heaven when we went to my parents house this summer and she could pick as many as she wanted from their amazingly beautiful garden. She has loved tomatoes since she was very young. I love her dirty face.

This is my dad's tractor. He spent a lot of time throughout his life working on this tractor. We took our big family pictures surrounding the tractor that weekend. I will post them soon.Two of the hardest workers you will ever meet!!! We have a little shirt tucked away in Wyatt's hutch that matched this one of Tyler's. Tyler wanted to have a few matching outfits with his little brother. So we went and bought some. The only problem was, we had to wait until Wyatt got a little bigger so he could fit into them. Wyatt was just about big enough to fit into them when he passed away. Tyler never got to be matchy with his little brother. Oh, those lost dreams can be so hard sometimes.

The new jeep at Grandma and Grandpas.

Hayley and Addie.

Picking raspberries... again I LOVE Hayley's dirty face. That means she has had lots of fun!

Hayley and Addie trying to find ripe raspberries.

Found one...Yum!Tyler jumping over a new fruit tree.

A beautiful flower.

Wyatt's birthday is coming up...I'm not sure what to think about that. I guess I'm just kind of sad. Sad that my little boy isn't going to physically be with us for his 2nd birthday. I love 2 year olds and I feel such a great loss knowing I won't get to experience all those fun things with him in this life. The roller coaster of grief still comes and goes. I think it will the rest of my life. My heart will always ache for our little Wyatt and all the things we aren't getting to do with him. I'm not sure what we will do for his birthday. I think I will look back on the posts I made from a year ago and do some of those same things. I'm glad I documented those "firsts" last year because quite frankly it's all a blur to me right now. The whole year is a blur. So, I'm grateful I wrote down all the things we did so I can remember each of those traditions that I set in place. I may add some here and there if I see fit but at least I have a blue print on what we will do for each holiday. Oh, how we miss you Wyatt!!!

Splash Pad

This is one of the ways we beat the heat.

Emily

I couldn't help but take some more pictures this morning of Emily. I just love their uniforms. All the kids look so cute. I'm sure by the end of the year we will get sick of the same stuff but for now I'm just enjoying it.

Back to School

Emily started school today. She is starting at a new school this year. I'm excited for her and the great possibilities it will bring to her. Part of the new school is uniforms and oh, they all looked so cute this morning. Here are a few pictures before she left and a couple at the school. Can't believe she is now a 4th grader. Oh, they grow up way too fast. I'm going to miss having her at home with me. Now it's just Hay and me at home. It's hard not thinking of how I should have an almost two year old running around. I'm not sure how I will handle it when Hayley goes to preschool in a few weeks. I guess I will have to cross that road when it happens. I sure continue to miss our little boy.

Crazy hair Hay

This picture of Hay was taken while I was pregnant with Wyatt. I had kind of forgotten about it until my mom recently asked for a copy of it. I remember that day very clearly. I was deathly ill with the pregnancy and was laying in bed just trying to keep anything down. The nausea was so overwhelming night and day...every second of every minute. Hay wanted to go outside and jump on the tramp so I laid in bed and watched her through the window. As you can tell she dressed herself in one of Em's dance outfits. It's on backwards and it obviously didn't fit her. It was probably her 10th outfit of the day. I never did her hair during those months because I was just too sick and I didn't really care.

She started rolling around on the tramp and that is what made her hair stick straight up. I remember laying in bed and debating if I should get up and take a picture of her knowing that it would bring on the pucking but I knew I had to capture this moment because who knows if it will ever happen again. So, I got out of bed grabbed the camera and took this one shot and then went and threw up. I think this picture will always be one of my favorites of Hay. I'm glad I took it. It puts a smile on my face. And in a way it reminds me of Wyatt and what I had to go through to get him here. It's amazing how a picture can bring back a moment so clearly in my mind.

Faces

Today Hayley was actually wearing something that matched and I actually did her hair so I decided to get the camera out and take some pictures. I let her make whatever faces she wanted to. She had a great time and especially loved seeing them after each shot. Here are a few of the million I took. I have another million to go through from this summers events.

Off to 7th grade

Seriously? Could he be that old? Tyler started 7th grade today. It seems like it was yesterday that he was off to Kindergarten...now 7th grade? I'm going to miss him. I've enjoyed having him at home this summer. We have had a busy and fun filled summer. I love my Tylerman. He is such an amazing kid. Sometimes I wonder who the parent is. He is so mature and responsible for his age. There is a certain connection with a mom and her son. I'm so grateful I have that connection with both of my sons. Thanks Tyler for being so good to your grieving mom. I'm so grateful you are in my life. Love you!

Time

I read a comment that a fellow angel mom wrote. (Plaid, I hope it's ok to quote you here. What you had to say was just beautiful and I really wanted to share your thoughts) This is what she had to say.

"I think when our children die, and they progress into the eternities,
there is TRULY a piece of us that goes with them. As their mommies, it makes
time seem very dysfunctional as more of us than before is a part of a realm
where there is no time. And yet, our mortal beings are captive to time. It is a
sort of bondage, but in some ways it is voluntary. So we ache. We literally,
physically ache as time passes and we cannot reach out and touch our little ones
any longer. I think that if people could understand this better, they could
understand how losing a child is very different than other losses they may be
more familiar with (like a dear grandparent, for example). Grief has similar
overlaps in all loss cycles, but there is an element of losing a child that is
not a part of any other kind of loss cycle.... If only we could FULLY pierce
through time, and sense the eternities in WHOLE, we would see that without time,
there is no past or future or present. That our little ones have never left us.
It really is only time that separates us. Mortal time. Sigh... and everyone
thinks it helps to tell us that TIME heals. What an unfortunate
misunderstanding. Time standing in the way. Perhaps, I think, for the rest of
our lives, we will have moments like that. Of missing. Missing so intensely and
so deeply."

I have to agree with everything she said. Thank you Plaid for you amazing insight and words. They were perfect! You truly amaze me!

Picture edits

This afternoon I've spent a little time trying to figure out photoshop elements. Here is one of the pictures I edited from my neices wedding of Hayley and one of Emily. It's amazing what you can do with photoshop. I'm excited to learn something new. Grateful for digital photography!

Before

After Before

After

Yet another perfect quote and poem

My awesome nephew sent me these quotes he found while studying grief in his health class. They are perfect. Thanks Mitch!

When talking about the need to take time in grief, Earl A. Grollman writes, "Grief is a process. Recovering is your choice. Grief is the price you pay for love, but you don’t have to go on paying forever. Time does not automatically heal your pain. It is your willingness to touch your pain – to accept it, to work with it, to understand your change of moods and behavior, and then to begin to reorganize your life. Healing happens as you allow feelings to happen. Time does not completely heal a broken heart; it only teaches you how to live with it."

Terry Kettering wrote the following poem, entitled "The Elephant in the Room."

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, "How are you" and "I’m fine."
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh please, say "Barbara" again.
Oh please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say Barbara to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone
In a room
With an elephant.

Poem that says it all

I Lost My Child Today

by Netta Wilson, 1996


I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

A friend sent me this poem last week, one that knows all of this all too well. I just needed to post it because it's says things as it mostly is. I don't feel like everyone is like what is said above but I do sense this feeling that people feel by now that I should have moved on. Those that have lost a child or someone very close to you will understand. Though the grief is not there as much as it was a year ago for me it still comes. Yesterday it hit me. Those lost dreams seem to take me under at moments I don't plan on. So I cry and feel and try to do the best I can. I was reading in a book a few weeks ago and came across something I had underlined probably a year ago. It's from "Jesus Wept" by Joyce and Dennis Ashton they said:

"Crying is not the only way that we show emotion or grieve; however, it seems to
be beneficial both physically and emotionally. It's been reported that
tears shed during grief have more toxins than do regular tears. Tears actually
can be healing." Nearly three centuries ago, Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote:
"Sorrow that hath no vent in tears, maketh the organs of the body weep."

Another quote I had underlined:

"Mourning for our loss does not necessarily mean we are weak or that we
have lost our faith. Grieving, crying and feeling pain for our situation is
not conclusive evidence that we don't have sufficient faith or are weak.
We can believe in God, life after death, and all the truths of the gospel and
still experience profound pain, grief and sadness in our mortal
lives."

I really liked both of these quotes. I feel they are true. I do not cry all the time. I just have moments now here and there that it will hit me and I let those emotions out. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and then a few steps back. It's a life long process I feel I will continue to have to go through. Until Wyatt is in my arms again I will continue to miss him and ache for him and have moments when the grief takes me under. I guess knowing that helps me in a way. I accept those moments and do what I have to do to make it through them. I have learned to not judge what people are going through in their lives. I have learned to not try and fix people and tell them what they need to do but just listen and try to be as supportive and as loving as I can. Yes, I'm learning from this this trial in my life but if I were asked if I wanted to learn these things I would say no. I would so much rather have my baby back in my arms.

IHH Heart Walk

I know I've stated before that I belong to a heart support group. It's been such a blessing in my life to have support from those that understand the grief that I've experienced during the past year and 4 months. The Healing Hearts group is having their annual fund raiser on September 12th in Provo. It's a walk for Healing Hearts. Last year we were not able to attend but some of my family went and represented us in memory of Wyatt. Anyone interested in attending this year click here for more information. We are hoping as a family to be able to go to it. They will be remembering those angel children that have passed on and Wyatt will be one of those. Here are a few pictures from last years event.