"A tender mercy"

Ok it's 12:30am and something wonderful just happened for me. Today at church was hard! Actually this entire day has been one of the hardest and most awful days I've had for some time. I'm not going to go into details about it but lets just say I've been really low. I had just said my prayers and asked to just let me feel Wyatt in some way. I was going to bed but thought I would do a couple more things on the computer before hitting the sack. I got an e-mail from my friend Robyn which is always such a wonderful thing. In this e-mail she asked me what I thought about the comment from Suzanne on our blog. I didn't know what she was talking about. I hadn't noticed any comments from a Suzanne so I started searching for it. I found it in the post about butterflies. It was exactly what I needed. It was if Wyatt and Heavenly Father were talking to me letting me know that yes they are aware of me. Thank you Suzanne whoever you are. Thank you for being that instrument in our Heavenly Fathers hands and giving me what I needed. I have added her comment.

Suzanne said...
Dear Larsen Family: First off, I'm not crazy, even though you don't know me. I'm totally sane, and a temple recommend holder. I was searching for the "every chair filled" Benson quote through google for a lesson for my Young Women tonight. I found the quote on your blog. Thank you. But thank you again for the following...I saw a butterfly today. Allow me to explain.I was reading 3rd Nephi chapter 27, V:2. Jesus asks his disciples "what will ye that I shall give unto you". The words came at me with 100 times the force than I read before. I pictured myself there, and thought "if I could have ANYTHING from the savior, knowing that he would give it, what would it be?"At that very moment I said a very very sincere prayer, that I would feel my brother's presence in my life more fully. My brother passed away almost 9 years ago, the first day I was in the MTC. I left it at that. Then, for 3 days after that prayer, I felt this overwhelming feeling in my heart-- the purest joy I'd felt for years. I couldn't put a finger on it. I felt pure love. I felt it in the stillest moments and in my daily life too. I kept trying to think about what I was so happy about, as if it was some upcoming event that was going to be great(vacation? visitor? a raise?) Not earth shattering, but just pure and personal.Then when I was walking with my husband and two boys the other night I thought about it again. I was still trying to source it, just because I wanted the feeling to stay forever.Then, when I was on the tennis court, in the middle of an instruction-- with my racket flying every which way, I noticed a small piece of paper flying around on the court.I looked closer to see it was a pure white butterfly. The words came clear in my mind "Barry's close by!" Then I came home and couldn't find my Benson quote, and was lead to your blog. I thought about how wonderful that Barry was there, even when I wasn't looking. When I came home from my mission, I got released and got the following blessing:"those thoughts and ideas came from your brother. He prays for you." How interesting that an angel would pray for me? And how interesting that those little glimpses of inspiration come from those who know us best. Moroni taught that angels speak by the power of the holy ghost. Would not Wyatt be the one who would bring a message to you more clear than any other angel right now? I am sure all those great thoughts and resolutions you have came through your little baby. In one blog you mentioned how you carried him for 9 months and how hard it was being sick. Perhaps this was one of those great times where he got to know you best. He was getting to know you and learning how to connect to you in a way no one else can. How amazing is that? So... now that I've spilled all my guts with someone I don't even know, I want to thank you again for the quote, and exchange it for one of mine. From Dallin H. Oaks:"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike, and they will, you must never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see chariots of fire as far as the eye could see riding at wreckless speed to come to our protection (see 2nd Kings 6:16-17). They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham's seed."Wyatt is your "wreckless speed" angel. Butterflies are the smallest of ways he lets you know he's there. Bigger are the thoughts and inspirations he puts in your heart. You will feel it for the rest of your life, until that wonderful day.

"Wyatt's Room"

I have struggled with Wyatt's room. It use to be my most favorite room in our house. I loved his crib and enjoyed the blue with the white walls. The night we got back from the hospital and walked in our house the spiritual high I was on left and the grief took over. This was where I spent ever second of ever day with him. There is a special spirit that is in your home when you have a baby there. I felt the absence of that special spirit the moment we entered. I have continued to feel that each day. Many of our friends and neighbors had come in our home and cleaned it, left our fridge full of food and filled our pantry. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude from the wonderful people in our life. The first place I went to when we got home from the hospital was to Wyatt's room. It was perfect with all of his things. Emily and I sat on the floor and cried and cried. I now struggle with his sweet room because it's not what I had pictured. I had pictured many wonderful moment in there. It's so hard every morning to get up and realize that I'm not going to be able to go in his room and get him out of his crib and see his smiling face and give him a big hug. It always brightened my day to get him out of his crib. Now there is not a crib, a cradle or changing table. His toys are put away. His walker and swing are gone and all the memories I should be making with him are gone. A week after Wyatt's funeral we gave his crib, changing table, car seat, diapers(I had just bought a new big pack of diapers), some clothes and other items that didn't have to much sentimental value to a lady in our ward that was going to have a baby boy in a month. She didn't have any of these things and was struggling. It was a very hard day for me to see all of his things go but it was also comforting to know that they were going to someone that really needed them. I took everything down from the hutch in his room and I felt so awful. I then realized I needed to keep this one thing full of his stuff and pictures. I will often go in his room and cry and think of him. I'm hoping to get a nice comfortable chair for his room and make it into a reading room. I have attached some before pictures and some present day pictures of his room.

I think of him every second of every day. I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I won't think of him. It might lessen as time goes on but he will forever be in my heart and mind. My friend Jen Gozart from my group sent me this quote by Lloyd Newell he said: "Mourning is a form of rejoicing...a gratitude of love, for memories, for life." Jen said to me "feeling the grief that I'm feeling is just evidence of the love I have for Wyatt." Grief is such a real thing that I had no idea existed until now. I miss my little boy. I don't think it's just going to go away. I think as time goes on it will get easier but because I loved him so much I think it's going to take that much longer for the sorrow to lessen.

Before

Now Before
Now

"They can die no more..."

Wyatt 3 days old

Today at church in Sunday school we read in Alma about the resurrection. Now whenever I hear about the resurrection I get the feelings of hope, joy and extreme excitement. I also have a greater reverence for that most wonderful gift of the Savior. It is real to me now. I have always marveled at this most wonderful gift given to us and it's always been something special but now since Wyatt died it is so much more than that to me. As they discussed these verses in Sunday school with not to much feeling expressed I wanted to shout out how wonderful the resurrection is. It is so tangible to me now. It is the hope I get each day that I will have my Wyatt again. I couldn't shout out in Sunday school because I was trying not to cry.
As we read the verses something stuck out to me. Alma 11:45: ..."that they can die no more; their spirits united with their bodies never to be divided;" This wonderful truth tells me that I will never have to say goodbye to my Wyatt ever again. I will have him forever and ever and I will never have to see him go. I will have him throughout eternity never having to bid farewell. How grateful I am for my Savior, it is because of him that I have hope each day. It is because of him that Wyatt is saved and has made it to the celestial kingdom. It is because of him that Wyatt will be resurrected and I will get to hold him in my arms again and I will never have to let go. It is because of him that we can repent when we have done something wrong and we will be forgiven. It is because of him that we all will be resurrected and live forever. Oh, how grateful I am for my Savior more than I ever have been before!

"Lost Dreams"

Yesterday was an emotional day. I cleaned out our storage room and went through all the things that I had kept of Tyler's for Wyatt. I had 5 big containers filled with shoes, clothes, coats etc. etc. It was so hard to go through all of these things and know that Wyatt wouldn't be using them. I only kept a few things that Tyler might want or I just couldn't get rid of. It still doesn't seem real that my little one is gone. All the dreams and hopes I had for him are gone. I had pictured Wyatt in so many of these clothes and shoes. Each stage of the first year is gone. He would be crawling right now or even starting to walk. Today he would have been 9 months old. Tyler was walking at 9 months. Last night Tyler had a piano recital. Just a few months ago we went to his recital and Wyatt was with us. It just doesn't seem real that he is gone. Whenever we go anywhere I feel like something is missing and then the realization hits me that yes one of the most important things is missing. Before the recital I looked at some of the videos we had taken on the video camera. I watched the last video I had taken of Wyatt and also found a part where he was crying. I'm so grateful I have him crying. I have been longing to hear his cry again. I cried the whole way to the recital. Oh how I miss my little boy.
I'm grateful for the fingerprints from Hayley on my nice clean windows. I grateful for the messes and dirty dishes left by little one. I'm grateful for the hugs, kisses and sweetness from Tyler, Emily and Hayley. These things show me that yes I still have 3 beautiful children to love and care for. We have talked about how wonderful it is going to be in the millennium when we all get to watch little Wyatt crawl, walk and talk. It will be a glorious day.

Tyler did an awesome job at his recital. Way to go Tyler!

We went to the Orem summerfest, parade and fireworks last weekend. Hayley thought the carnival was Disneyland. Needless to say she loved it --so did Tyler and Emily. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa for taking us to the carnival.
Thanks Kurt and Shanna for getting us spots for the parade and for the yummy sno-cones.

"Thanks"

How grateful I am for all the wonderful family and friends I have. I just wanted to thank so many of you for all the love and support you give me. Thanks to so many of you for taking the time this past weekend out of your busy schedules to spend some time comforting and supporting me. I think one of the only ways to be able to make it through this most difficult time is the support of so many wonderful people in my life. President David O. McKay talks about the need of friends during challenging times I would like to add family to this quote as well. He said:

"Life sometimes seems a parched and barren desert, when, as a matter of fact,
there is comfort, even happiness within our grasp if we could or would but reach
for it. Next to a sense of kinship with God comes the helpfulness, encouragement
and inspiration of friends(and family). Friendship is a sacred possession. As
air, water and sunshine are to flowers, trees and verdure, so smiles sympathy
and love of friends(and family) are to the daily life of man. "To live, laugh,
love ones' friends, and be loved by them is to bask in the sunshine of life."

How grateful I am to so many of you and the kindness you have shown me and my family. Thank you for listening to me, comforting me and giving me hope for the future.

"Happy Father's Day"

To my sweet husband the most amazing father in the world:

Oh, how Wyatt loved his dad. Derek spent a lot of time with Wyatt. One reason was he was at home a lot because work was very slow. Another reason is he knew this would be his last time to enjoy his own little baby in our home. He spent most nights holding Wyatt either while he watched TV or while he was playing the Wii. Wyatt loved to be in his dad's arms while playing the Wii. Derek was always so willing to change a diaper or walk with Wyatt while he was fussy. He would rub his feet and make him smile and laugh. It's been hard for me to see Dad's with their little babies playing and enjoying them knowing that my husband wasn't going to get to do that with his baby anymore. Derek has been the strength and comfort for our family the past few months. He has been the steady one and has tried making our lives that much better during such a difficult time. How grateful I am that I have such a wonderful husband and that he is such a wonderful father to all of his children. Tyler, Emily, Hayley and Wyatt are the luckiest children in the world. Happy Father's Day Derek! We love you!

We love you Dad!!

Emily's baptism and Wyatt's blessing day.

"Wishes"

Today has been an especially hard day--actually the last few have been. I have added a bunch to my tear soup. I guess I had a weeks worth of tears to add to my pot. We are back home not at the condo now and I'm struggling. I miss Wyatt so much I can't even describe it. I just wish I could have my life back like it was a few months ago. I wish I had my Wyatt back. I wish I could hear him cry again. I wish I could hold his hand. I wish I kiss his little cheeks. I wish I could make him laugh. I wish, I wish, I wish...... I could go on and on with all the wishes I wished but that's when I realize that those wishes will not come true in this life. That's when I take hold of my sweet Emily's hand and hold it extra tight. That's when I kiss Hayley's little cheeks and hug Tyler just a little bit harder and longer. And then I get on my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for my sweet husband and kids and for the chance I had to enjoy Wyatt for the few months I did.

"Thy will and not mine be done"

When the Pediatrician came to us after Wyatt had a chest x-ray and said he had an enlarged heart I knew it was serious. Then he said he needed to be life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital because they didn't know how to help Wyatt here in our town. I hoped that once we got to Primary Children's that they could fix everything. When life flight arrived they put the breathing tube in and that's when Wyatt went into cardiac arrest for a very long time. I thought he was gone and in a way he was he never woke up after that. But they were able to stabilize him and we were able to make it to Primary Children's Hospital. The Dr's there didn't give us great news but there still was some hope. I knew with all my heart and soul that if Wyatt was suppose to be here with us on this earth that a miracle could happen and that he could be healed. I know our Heavenly Father has the power and ability to do this but it was his will not mine. As we prayed most earnestly those few days at the hospital our prayers would always end with thy will be done. There was a certain comfort and peace that accompanies you when you put your complete trust in Heavenly Father. Since Wyatt's passing I have wondered if maybe I didn't pray hard enough or maybe we should have given Wyatt more priesthood blessings. Well, I have gained great comfort in a few things I have read lately about this. There was an article long ago written in the Liahona directed to a mother that had lost 3 children. In this article it says:

"While it is true that God has conferred upon mortal men the priesthood by
which, within certain limitations, they have power to act in his name, it is not
true that he has conferred upon them the keys of life and death. These keys are
held in hands higher than those of mortals. They are used only with a proper
regard for the past, present and future; our condition in the spirit world, our
condition here and our condition in the world to come. Mortal men have not
sufficient knowledge of all these conditions to use power over life and death
wisely and justly; and therefore this power is, to a great extent, and always in
the final issue, withheld from them. By the prayer of faith they can often
influence the result, but the decision always rest with God."

D&C 42:48 says: "And again it shall come to pass that he that has faith in me to be healed and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed. I truly believe that it was Wyatt's time to leave this earth and there was nothing more we could do about that.

President Spencer W. Kimball said: "I am positive in my mind that the Lord has
planned our destiny. We can shorten our lives but I think we cannot lengthen
them very much. Sometime we'll understand fully, and when we see back from the
vantage point of the future we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of
this life which seemed so difficult for us to comprehend. We knew before we were
born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we
would have joys and sorrows, pain and comforts, ease and hardships, health and
sickness, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that we would die. We
accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the
favorable and unfavorable. We were undoubtedly willing to have a mortal body
even if it were deformed. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even
though it might be for a day, a year or a century. Perhaps we were not so much
concerned whether we should die of disease, of accident, or senility. We were
willing to come, and take life as it came and as we might organize and control
it, and this without murmur, complaint or unreasonable demands...."

I feel that there were enough prayers being prayed in behalf of Wyatt that if he could have lived he would have.

President John Taylor once said: "that the best explanation he could offer why
so many little children among the Saints were called away, notwithstanding the
great faith and power of the priesthood exercised to keep them here, was that
they were bright and noble spirits who held important positions in the kingdom
of God in the spirit world, from which they could not long be spared., They were
given brief furloughs, long enough to come to earth, take upon themselves bodies
of flesh and bone that they might be prepared for a resurrection to a kingdom of
glory; and after a short experience in mortality were called back to resume
important labors in a higher sphere."

While at the hospital D was joking like he always does and said "if Wyatt just used us to get a body and rack up a big medical bill he is going to have a little chat with me in the next life. " I guess Wyatt and D will be having a little chat in the next life. I know with all my heart that Wyatt is where he is suppose to be. But with that knowledge it doesn't take away the sorrow and grief I feel for the great loss I have experienced. I truly miss him with all my heart. I'm looking forward to the next life when I will be with him again.

"My Wyatt time."

Today the longing to hold and care for Wyatt has been extra hard. I don't know why some days are harder than others but that's just how it is.

Wyatt loved his baths. It was something I did for him every night. I don't think I missed a night his entire life. He loved it so much that at 8:30pm each night he would start fussing until he got his bath at 9pm and then he was a happy camper. I then would let him eat as long as he wanted each night. This was "my Wyatt time" each day. He got my full attention because the other kids were in bed. It was his one on one time and he knew it. He loved it ! He loved it when I would rub is little feet with lotion. I always got a smile from him when I did this. He would giggle when I would blow on his chubby little tummy and he hated it when I would put lotion on his face. I miss that time so much I can't even describe it. The last bath I gave him was at 3 in the morning. He was sick and fussy and that was the only thing that I could do that helped calm him down. Little did I know at the time that would be the last time I would get to care for him in this way. Oh how I miss "my Wyatt time!"