One year ago...

Happy Birthday!

Our little girl turned 4 yesterday. Oh, how excited she was. The first thing we did was have her open her presents and had her birthday breakfast. We then made preparations for her princess birthday party. She had 5 little princesses come to her party. It was a lot of fun. They made necklaces, decorated crowns and cupcakes, played pin the crown on the princess and bibidee bobbedee boo, they danced with ribbon wands and had cake and ice cream. Hayley had the time of her life. She loved decorating the cupcakes and opening all of the fun presents her friends brought her. We then went to a park to meet a friend and then had a pizza party at Grandma and Grandpa's condo while watching the BYU game. Other than the BYU game it was a fun and memorable day one I hope we never forget. We are so grateful to have Hayley in our family. She is such a happy little girl which is such a blessing to us. We need her sunshine personality each and everyday. We love our Hayley!

Present time.Skittles, a book and a bear from Aunt Darladee and Uncle Merrill. She was so excited as you can see."I got money" as she was dancing around. That was her response to her gift from Uncle Ron and Aunt Linda along with Grammie and Grandpa Larsen. She is so excited to go pick something out at the store.Her doll that swims. She can't wait to go swimming with her new doll.Her number 4 pancake breakfast.The InvitationsThe Cake(it had some structural problems but made it without falling over--phew!)All the beautiful princesses.

Opening her present from Grandma and Grandpa Jensen. She loves her new doll!

The day before Hayley's birthday she said how excited she was that she would get to hold Wyatt tomorrow on her birthday. For some reason she has thought for quite some time that Wyatt would come back to life on her birthday. It's hard to try and explain to a 3 year old that it will be a long time until she gets to hold her little brother again. I felt his absence yesterday. Whenever we have these family events that void in our lives seems even more evident. I wasn't the only one that noticed it yesterday. Emily came to me at the end of the day saying how much she missed Wyatt not being there with us today. He would have been into everything....oh, we miss him!

A Time

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; ....A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; . . .
[A] time to embrace..
[Ecclesiastes 3:1­2, 4­5, 7]

I'm grateful that Wyatt was born into our family. What a blessing he is! I also know that it was his time to die. And now is my time to weep and mourn. I'm grateful for those moments I got to dance with my baby and for every moment he made me laugh. They will always be cherished. I'm grateful for every loving embrace I got to give him. There is a time for everthing...there will be a time when I will get to dance, laugh and embrace him again. A time I look forward to.

Don't give up!

Today I went outside to mow the lawn--yes, we still need to do that here where we live. I really love the long falls here. Anyway, the lawn mower wasn't starting up. Hay was looking out the window watching me pull and pull with no success. She finally came outside and starting chanting "Don't give up" over and over again. She then told me she had learned that on Dora the Explorer. She kept saying it over and over again. She wasn't giving up. I stopped pulling to get a breath and she kept cheering me on. I probably would have given up at that point and waited for my husband but her chanting/cheering motivated me and I had to let her know that we don't give up. So, I continued to pull and pull. Finally, it started. She kept chanting the whole time I was mowing the lawn. As I was listening to her, the thought came to me that Wyatt is probably saying those same words to me as well. Some days I just want to give up. The grief and sorrow can become so hard and overwhelming that I wonder if I'm going to make it through another day without my baby in my life. Grief can be physically draining. I don't think I would have understood that before Wyatt died but I do now. Along with it being physically draining it can be emotionally, mentally and spiritually draining as well. But from the wise words of my 3 year old--I can't give up. I have way too much at risk to give it all up. I have to believe that Wyatt is cheering me on as well. I wouldn't be surprised if he used Hay as his mouth piece. He just might of helped her remember that from Dora the Explorer. So, I'm going to try my hardest to not give up. All I can do right now is try my best one day at a time. If just getting out of bed is all I can do some days I'm proud of my self for doing just that. As a wise friend reminded me today...The only way out, is through.

Dance

I've been meaning to post these pictures of Hayley for a few weeks. She has started taking a Jazz, Tap, Ballet class and she absolutely loves it. Here are a few pictures I took the other day before she left for dance. I also took a picture of her hair to let anyone out there know of this wonderful blog devoted to ideas on how to do hair. Click here for the link. Check out her side bar as well for a whole list of other blogs devoted to ideas for girls hair.

First position

Thirsty

I got out a book this morning that I haven't read for a while called "Jesus Wept" by Joyce and Dennis Ashton. A great book that I would highly recommend if you are going through a loss in your life or if you want to understand more about what it's like to go through something like this. Thanks Gillian for sending it to me.

My friend Jen had pointed out something to me the other day and I wanted to read it. It says:

"Attempting to console those who have lost loved ones or endured serious trials
by saying it will be better in the next life tends to minimize their immediate
pain; 'It's like you are in a desert and you are dying of thirst, and someone
says Yes, you can have a drink, but not for thirty years!'"

That is exactly how I've been feeling lately. Some days thinking about having Wyatt in the Millennium helps me and I do get excited about it but that is not enough. It just seems so very far away. I've been feeling like I've been dying of thirst... to just hold Wyatt again, to see him and kiss his cheeks again and to be able to do all of those things that I use to do for him. I thirst to have him as a part of our family right now. I want him to be a part of the memories we are creating. I thirst after the life I had before Wyatt died. There is an incredible void in my life. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that void. I've had to thirst after knowledge and understanding and anything that might comfort me for a moment. I'm grateful for music, for the temple, prayer, scriptures, prophets and apostles and knowledgeable people. I'm also grateful for family, friends, my kids and husband. These things help and I'm grateful for them but none of these things will bring back Wyatt so I guess I will live a life of being extremely thirsty. I'm sure as time goes on that thirst might minimize but I don't think it will ever go away until he is in my arms again.

I have had a pile of Wyatt's things in my room since he died. This pile is all of the things I've found since he died around the house. It's also all the last things he wore or I washed after he died. I had it right next to my bed for quite some time. I then moved it to the corner. Yesterday I decided to move his things to his room. I also decided to fill up the hutch in his room with all of his clothes, blankets, toys, shoes that have been in a cedar chest downstairs. I felt like I need his things closer to me--more accessible. My friend Denine had made a sweet memorial in her bedroom with all of Tanner's things. After seeing that I decided I needed that in Wyatt's room so if my kids want to spend a few moments thinking of their brother they can go in there and hold his things and look at his pictures. I enjoyed spending time yesterday folding up his clothes again. Many tears were shed. So many lost dreams. Each time I do laundry for the family I feel that void as I don't get to fold up his cute little clothes anymore. As I've said before I really don't want to sugar coat things. This is a hard thing that we are having to go through. It's going to be hard for a while and I guess I'm OK with that. I feel like I need time to get through this "grief work". In this book "Jesus Wept" they say:

"Grief work will likely become the hardest work we will ever do. It will extract
more time, patience, and energy than most of us expect or feel capable of
enduring."

I know I have to "feel" it to "heal" it and that is going to take time. Thanks to so many of you for staying with me through the thick of it all.









I bought this table as a birthday gift to Wyatt. I guess that was my justification for buying it but I wanted something to put his lamp on and make is room more inviting.

Williamsburg Virginia

Tyler got the incredible opportunity to spend a week with his grandparents in Williamsburg, Virginia last week. He had such a fun time. He got to spend the week with his cousin Joshua as well. He learned so much about history which he loves to do...learn. I'm so glad he had this opportunity to create some unforgettable memories that he will be able to cherish all of his life. Thanks mom and dad for creating those memories. I think that will be a week he won't ever forget. Here are a few pictures from his trip.

The day Tyler was getting home from Williamsburg Hayley was so excited(actually we were all excited but didn't show it like Hayley did). She was jumping up and down and dancing saying "Tyler missed me so much" and "I missed him so much." "I can't wait to see him." There were lots of hugs given when we finally got to see Tyler again. I had to think of the day when we get to be with Wyatt again and how exciting that will be...for both Wyatt and us. Can't wait for that day!

Away

I just got back from spending 4 days in Oceanside, California with some of those "seen angels" I referred to on my previous post. It was wonderful and something I needed--to spend some time with people that care and truly know how to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. I was able to laugh more than I have in a long time but I was also able to cry and have these sweet women cry with me and listen with love to what I had to say. How grateful I am for all of the people Heavenly Father has placed into my life to help me through this trial. Thank you to everyone out there that has touched my life for good. I feel like this trip was rejuvenating and something I needed. I learned so much from these wonderful women. I feel like I will be a better wife and mother because of what I have learned from them.
Each time I go somewhere or do something that I wouldn't have been doing if Wyatt were here I feel a sense of guilt or a sense of wishing I wasn't doing it because that would mean Wyatt was still in my life(if that makes sense). A week after Wyatt's funeral we went as a family to California. My sweet Emily pointed out to me a few times during that trip that if Wyatt hadn't died we wouldn't be there. She was so right. We wouldn't have. Derek and I wouldn't have gone to Maui if Wyatt hadn't have died and I wouldn't have spent a week with friends in California. I'm grateful for all of these experiences that have truly helped me on the path of healing but on the other hand I wish so bad I wouldn't have had the opportunity to go because Wyatt was still in my life. I would do anything to have him back. Hopefully that makes some sense.
On a side note....while in California we were able to see the anger and hatred of those opposed to proposition 8. We were in Beverly Hills at a stop light when a group of very angry people marched right in front of us. Yelling and screaming about what they felt was right. They were mad that proposition 8 had passed. There were police everywhere. I saw one man stick up for what he thought was right which was opposite from what these people thought --they attacked him verbally. I was concerned they might attack him physically as well. You could visibly see the anger in their eyes. I was so impressed with this man that he would stick up all by himself for what he believed in, with a mob of angry people yelling and swearing at him. It was eye opening to see such passion, anger and hatred toward a perfect stranger. I know there have been many LDS members in California having to experience this anger and hatred first hand. We are living in challenging times...the second coming doesn't seem as far off to me after witnessing that. Which for me means I will be with my Wyatt sooner rather than later.(yes, I have a distorted view now--I do not fear the second coming....I want it to come quickly)

Angels

"God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. " Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

One of my favorite talks from General Conference was the one Elder Holland gave about angels. I've listened to it I think 5 times now. I've thought back many times to the day Wyatt died--actually the few days before he died along with the day he died. I felt and I know Derek felt a strength and incredible peace come upon us. I just thought that it was the Holy Ghost--which I think was a big majority of it but after listening to Elder Hollands talk for the 5th time the thought came to me that we had angels there with us. Ones from my side of the family and ones from Derek's side of the family. They were there to help us and comfort us. Elder Holland said:

"From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children....Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times."

I think back on those days and wonder how did we do all that we did? How did we watch our little baby take his last breathe? How did we go to the mortuary and pick out his coffin and figure out his funeral? How did we make it through the viewing, funeral and dedication of the grave. Right now in my weakened state I don't know how we did it. The only explanation I have is that we were being lifted up by unseen angels and by the power of the Holy Ghost. That all the prayers that were being said in our behave were being answered by unseen angels. The peace and comfort was so strong...so real!

The next part of his talk I loved as well. He stated it perfectly:

"We are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods... Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

How grateful I am for the "seen" angels in my life. The ones that have helped during times of despair. The one's that have lifted me up and helped me get through another day without my Wyatt. For wonderful neighbors that came into our home and filled our fridge with food, cleaned our house and prepared Wyatt's room for our arrival after his death. For all the meals, cards, presents, flowers, etc. etc. I could go on and on with all the kindnesses that people showed to us. How grateful I am for the love we felt from family and friends and the love we continue to feel from so many. How grateful I am for the loving and supportive people that I've meet online. I'm especially grateful for the angelic husband that I have that is so patient and loving to me. How grateful I am for each and every angel that has touched my life--those seen and unseen.