"Ordinary Day"

About 3 months ago I took Hayley to the park while Tyler and Emily were at school. It was an especially hard day and I just had to leave the house for a little bit. As I was sitting on the bench watching Hayley enjoying the park the thought came to me...What would I do if I had one more day with Wyatt. I started thinking of all the wonderful things I would say and do and then I realized what I really would like is to have one more ordinary day with him. I would add extra hugs, kisses and take a million pictures and video but I would just like to enjoy those ordinary things I did with him each day. I had a dream a few months ago. In it I was making a note that today I would take a picture of every little part of Wyatt. His ears, hair, eyes, hands, feet, fingernails, legs, arms, lips, belly button etc. etc. I woke up and thought I will do that today. Then the realization came to me that I wouldn't be doing that with him because he was gone. Those are some of the hardest moments. So, those of you that have a baby in your life enjoy those ordinary things in your life. The feedings, the baths, the smiles, the cries and maybe take a few pictures or two and enjoy those simple things of life.

Suzanne from China wrote me a comment a few weeks ago about a song she suggested I listen to. It's called "Ordinary Day" as I listened to it I remembered that day at the park. I've added this song to my play list.

Oh, Wyatt I can't wait to have an "Ordinary Day" with you again someday. xoxox mom

"Life"

I wanted to thank so many of you that have been there for me the past 4 1/2 months. Thanks for listening to me and crying with me and comforting me. If it's been via e-mail, in person, on the phone, a card or just taking the time to read this blog-- thank you. So, please know the gratitude I feel to so many of you.

We just got home from over a week of many fun activities. The past two days we were at Cherry Hill water park. While at Cherry Hill I got the chance to spend a little time in the lazy river with my niece Amanda. Thank you Mands for talking and listening and being so great to me. We got talking about life and how things don't always work out how we think they should. My life is completely different than I had planned. Heavenly father has had a different plan for me.

Growing up all I ever wanted when I got old was to get married and have kids. I had no desire to get a career and go to college. I hoped I would just get married after high school to my prince charming and we would have many beautiful and wonderful children. Well ,that didn't really happened for me(at least the getting married right after high school part). After high school I went to college just to get the general classes done hoping I wouldn't have to choose a major. I dated and dated and hoped and hoped but prince charming didn't come. I had to a choose a major and went through the Radiology program for 2 years and then worked for a Dr. for another year or two. I was now considered and old maid in Utah County because I was 24 years old. It was a difficult time for me because the only thing I ever wanted was to be married and have kids. Finally, prince charming came into my life even though I had known him most of my life. (He was one of my brothers best friends.) Why did we have to wait so long to get married when we could have gotten together so much earlier? I don't know the reason for that but I do know I have greater compassion for those that are single, I learned many things during that time, my testimony grew and I truly cherish my husband more. I learned that Heavenly Fathers timetable is so much different than mine.

The second part of my dream growing up was to be a mom. That has not been an easy thing for me. I've now spent over 2 years of throwing up to get these children here. I've had two miscarriages which were very difficult and hard to accept and now losing my sweet Wyatt is beyond anything I thought would happen to me. This life is just so much harder than I ever pictured or dreamed of. That is when I have to put my trust in my Heavenly Fathers hands and know that he has a greater plan for my life than what I think it should be. He knows those things that will help me grow and learn. And even though some of these things are beyond what I think I could even handle he sends people into my life to help me make it through. How grateful I am to so many of you. How grateful I am for the Internet and the people I have met through it. I don't know what I would have done without having the support from some that truly know what it's like to lose a child.

A year ago I never thought I would be where I'm at right now. It was not a part of my plan and my dream for my Wyatt. Each day is a struggle to not have him with me. He is on my mind 24/7 just like he was with me 24/7 as I took care of him. It's hard to do those everyday things without having him there to experience them with me.

2 Nephi 2:24 states: "all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things." Heavenly Father is the one that knows all things. Present, future and past. He has greater understanding and can see things better than we can. As a loving Heavenly Father he will help us through the trials and difficulties of life. His plan will be the best plan because he has so much more knowledge than we have. And in the end it will all be worth it. We will be able to live forever without sickness, disease, pain, sorrow and grief. And for me I will have my Wyatt, my husband, my kids and all of the loved ones in my life. That is what ultimately matters in life.

Here are a few pictures of some of those loved ones at Cherry Hill.

A Week of Fun

We are in Orem for the week and have done so many fun things. Here are some of the many pictures I took from the past few days. First are the pictures of Hayley doing her own 24th of July parade at Grandma and Grandpas' house. She was so disappointed that we wouldn't be home for the Ivin's city parade because this year the primary was going to be in it. We promised her that we would have our own parade in Orem.

Hayley waving to the big crowd of 4.

Hayley riding in her "covered wagon."

We spent a day at the children's museum in Salt Lake City. We took Kristie my niece and also went with Natalie and her kids. It was a fun day.

Hayley and Addie playing with the balls together.

Tyler and Hayley at the splash pad at the Gateway.

I feel bad that most of my pictures are of Hayley. Hayley was obviously the one I spent most of my time with and that's why there are so many of her. We spent a day a seven peaks water park. Tyler went on every slide even the free fall slide. Emily also went on almost all of the slides. Hayley loved the kid area's especially the kid slides. It was a fun day with family. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful nieces and nephews we spent the day with. They are all older than my kids and are such great examples to my kids. They are some of the most amazing youth. Thanks for making it such a wonderful day for my kids.

We have another couple of fun days ahead for us at Cherry Hill water park. I'm sure I will have some more pictures to post and maybe this time I will have some of my other kids and maybe some of the cousins. It's such a weird thing but my brain just doesn't work like it did before Wyatt died. From what I've read that's part of the grieving process. As we have done all of these fun things this week there is has been a void in my heart not having my Wyatt with us. I wonder if that is how it is always going to be for the rest of my life.

"Cherished"

When we found out that Wyatt wasn't going to make it a social worker came to talk with us about some things regarding our other children. Since we had never been through anything like this before we really didn't know what to do to help them. She suggested that we let them be involved with everything they felt comfortable with. So we did just that. Tyler and Emily helped us plan the funeral, picked out his casket, picked the programs and helped dress him. They only helped with what they wanted to do. I was amazed at their strength and willingness to do all of these things. Each one of us picked out one of Wyatt's favorite toys to place in his casket with him.

One of the things the social worker at Primary Children's suggested was to let the kids help make molds of Wyatt's feet and hand. Before they said goodbye to their little brother we had them help make these molds. Emily helped wash Wyatt's feet and Tyler helped put his feet into the plaster. Hayley helped a little too. I'm so grateful to Primary Children's for allowing us to do that.

We decided we wanted to get them bronzed so they would last and not break. This week we are in Orem and the bronzed hand and feet were completed. They turned out perfect. I love all the detail you can see in them. It's almost like having his feet and hands again. The details of his toes, toenails, fingers and wrinkles are so precious to me. I've always loved babies hands and feet. I enjoyed Wyatt's little fingers and toes each night as I gave him is bath. I also loved playing with them during the day. Oh, how I miss every part of him! I tried to take a picture in my mind of every little thing about him before he died but that picture is slowly fading. I'm glad I have these to help bring that picture back into my mind. Thank you Mom and Dad for doing this for us. They will be cherished throughout our life's.

"The Greatest Gift"

When I was a child I would get so excited on Christmas eve that I couldn't sleep. Just dreaming of the things that Santa might be bringing would fill my mind with wonderful thoughts. The anticipation of the coming day was almost unbearable. As I would open my presents on Christmas morning joy, happiness and excitement would feel my soul.

I have had other days and nights like that. The night before the birth of each of my kids was just like Christmas eve. The same excitement and anticipation. When I got to finally met these noble spirits for the first time the joy and happiness was indescribable. I fell instantly in love with each of them.

I now look forward to another day a day that I will wait for the rest of my life..."Resurrection eve." It will be just like Christmas eve but even more exciting. All the days and years of waiting and hoping and wishing will all come true. I won't be able to sleep because I will be dancing with excitement. The longer I'm away from Wyatt the more that excitement level will increase. The anticipation will be unbearable. And then it will come...on Resurrection morning I will be getting the most wonderful present I could ever get. The longing to hold, cuddle, kiss, hug, touch will be fulfilled. Tears of happiness will fill my face instead of sorrow. Joy, excitement and love will be overflowing. It is a day I can hardly wait for. I will have my baby in my arms again. How grateful I am for my Savior for giving me the greatest gift ever.

"My sweet angel"

How grateful I am for my sweet angel Hayley. I just had a rock bottom moment. I was just feeling so overwhelmed with certain thing beyond just missing Wyatt. I prayed to heavenly father to please send someone to my aid. I needed some comfort or something. He sent my 3 year old. She came into my room and noticed that I was crying. She tenderly wiped away my tears from my cheek and then gave me a big hug. I told her I was missing Wyatt so bad. She looked into my eyes and said "you want Wyatt to come back to life today?" Oh, yes Hayley I wish so bad. She then gave me a big hug and said I love you mommy. She has been here for me on countless occasions since Wyatt died. How grateful I am for her innocence and the tenderness she shows to her grieving mom. I love you Hayley! By the end she was singing "Twinkle Twinkle little star" and making me laugh.

"Little things"

Wyatt 4 days old

Last night Hayley kept waking up and crying. She has allergies or a cold. She seemed a little warm so I decided to take her temperature. As I got the thermometer out the realization came to me that the last time I used this was for Wyatt the weekend before he died. All the memories of that weekend came back to me. His sweet little ear was the last thing that had touched this thermometer. I miss him so much.


This morning Hayley was playing with the diaper bag we had taken with us to the hospital. I thought I had cleaned everything out of it but she brought me the consecrated oil that Derek had used for the blessings he gave Wyatt. This also brought back all those memories of his last week on this earth. This is so much harder than I ever imagined. Little things will just come to me and a flood of memories take over and I just have to cry. Oh, how I miss my baby.

"Comments"

I just want to thank everyone for the sweet and wonderful comments you leave on our blog. I can't even tell you how much they help me make it through another day without my Wyatt. I just feel so blessed to have such wonderful support and love from so many of you. Your words are uplifting, inspiring and filled with wisdom. They truly give me the strength to keep going on--one day at a time. Thanks also to all the e-mails I get from so many wonderful friends and family. I can't imagine going through this alone. How grateful I am for all of you! Thank you everyone!

I think Wyatt's also grateful to everyone that
helps his Mom, Dad, brother and sisters through this difficult time.

Wyatt 3 months old

"Today"

"Oh, mom please take this stupid hat off of me!"
Those are the words probably going through Wyatt's head at the time of these
picture. These pictures make me laugh. Ok ,that might seem weird but he is just
so cute when he cries. Maybe I got this from my niece Jill that loves to see
babies cry. Anyway I'm grateful I have pictures of him crying. By the way I did
take the hat off and cuddled him after taking these pictures. Oh, I miss that!

It seems like when I recognize the tender mercies in my life and I'm grateful for all of those things --that's when it gets hard again. It's such a vicious cycle. Yesterday was a challenging day. Sundays are hard--you would think they would be the best day of the week for me but they aren't. Yesterday also was the 4 month marker since Wyatt died. Those little mile stones can be bitter sweet. On one hand it's been 4 of the hardest months of my life and my arms still continue to ache to hold my Wyatt. But it also means I'm that much closer to being with him again. That might sound strange to some of you but when you are missing something so bad that every fiber of your being aches to have it again-- each day means you are that much closer.

There is a quote I love and I read it most days. It's by Orson F. Whitney, he said:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It
ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience,
faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure,
especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our
hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy
to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering , toil
and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and
which will make us more like our Father and mother in heaven. "

This quote gives me great comfort and knowledge. I am so grateful for it. But there are days I don't really appreciate it like I should. Those days I wish I didn't have to learn all of these things. I start having my pity parties and wonder why me? That's when I have to tell myself why not me? I'm not immune to this --none of us are. It is what I've been asked to go through and I had better learn everything I'm suppose to learn. Then and only then will I be able to be what my Heavenly Father wants me to be. This is why we are here to learn and grow and show our complete devotion to a loving Heavenly Father.

I look back in the last 4 months and I see how much I have changed. Someways good and someways not so good. I have learned so much and continue to learn each day.

I love the last part of the song "Who'd you be today?" it says: "The only thing that gives me hope is... I know, I will see you again someday."

What a wonderful day that will be my sweet Wyatt!

"Wyatt moments"

Taken March 8, 2008

I went out to mow the lawn this morning. I've been missing Wyatt today like everyday but more so today for some reason. As I was mowing the back lawn I said a prayer in my heart to please let me know he's aware of me. At that exact moment a big red Dragonfly flew right up to me. I've never had that quick of an answer before. It followed me around as I continued to mow the back lawn. Some may think this is a coincidence but I would like to think other wise. As I was finishing mowing the front lawn a white butterfly flew by. I don't see butterflies like I use to. They have left I think because of the heat. Anyway, this butterfly flew around our front yard for as long as I was out there. Are these moments something a grieving mother is grasping at or is my Wyatt and Heavenly Father letting me know how much they love me and my family? I would like to think they are aware.

A couple of weeks ago there was a dragonfly in our house. I thought that was rather strange. I've never had a dragonfly in our house before. Since then I see dragonflies everywhere. They are my new "Wyatt moments" since the butterflies have moved on.

This week as I was having a rather difficult morning the door bell rang. It was the florist delivering me a beautiful basket of flowers with two butterflies on the basket. It was a tender mercy from my Sweet Aunt and Uncle Pickles. Thank you for brightening my day and helping me make it through another day without my Wyatt.

This same Aunt introduced me to a niece of hers that lost her 2 year old from Leukemia about 2 years ago. This mom told me that her "Tanner moments" have been rainbows. She has felt the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father through rainbows. A couple of months ago as I was downloading all the pictures that were on my camera. I looked at the dates to see the last pictures I took before Wyatt pass away. I took 4 pictures of a rainbow the Saturday before Wyatt died. I've been kicking myself ever since --why didn't I turn around and take pictures of Wyatt and what he was doing. I'm sure he was in his swing, walker or was being held. If I had only known I would have filled my camera up with every part of him.

Last Sunday we walked to Wyatt's grave to put on some 4th of July decorations. While we were walking there I noticed a big bunch of beautiful white and gray clouds up in the sky. At the end of these clouds was a rainbow. I felt the love of my Heavenly Father at that moment. It's not fair that my little one died but a loving Heavenly Father is letting me know that he has not forgotten me. He is so aware of all of us.

This week I took my kids to a splash pad by our house. Whenever the water was going their was a rainbow in it. I felt my Wyatt was near. Last night we went to the park. It started pouring rain. What a fun time we had running, laughing and getting completely soaked in the rain from Heaven. It rained the day Wyatt died I thought that was very appropriate. Now, whenever it rains it brightens my soul. I felt the rain as a tender mercy last night for our little family. It brought us a moment of joy.

How grateful I am for those sweet tender mercies--if it's a dragonfly, a butterfly, a rainbow, a beautiful basket of flowers, an e-mail, a sweet comment on our blog, rain or a phone call from a loved one --how grateful I am for all these tender mercies.

"Who you'd be today"

About 2 months ago Derek and I were out running errands and he said he had a song for me to hear. He warned me that I would cry. No big deal that's what I do everyday. Yes, I did cry! I've added the song to my play list.

"4th of July pictures"

We stayed at the condo with my parents for the 4th of July. I left our camera there so that's why these pictures are so late. We went to a new park below the condos that had some pretty cool things to play on. The kids had a lot of fun playing on them. The sprinklers were on so they had fun running through them as well. We actually saw a couple of butterflies which I haven't seen for awhile. Then we went swimming since it was really, really hot. My parents took us out to eat at my kids favorite place "Golden Coral". Thanks mom and dad! That night we went to the St. George fireworks. I'm a total firework fan. I had to wonder if Wyatt would have loved seeing the fireworks too. Every year I get a picture of my kids on the 4th. I have a frame I change out. I was so looking forward to getting one with "all" my kids. It was so hard to realize that I would never get that picture.