If God loves me why this?

I checked out this book at the library last week called "If God loves me then why this?" It caught my eye because I've wondered that so many times this past year. Let's just say this has been the most difficult year of my life. I haven't finished reading this book yet but last night as I was reading I read this part about Satan and how he will put lies into our heads and tries to make us believe them. I've had so many of those lies come to me this past year. One of them has been... I must have done something wrong for this to have happened. I have come to find out how false that is. Bad things DO happen to good people. Look at Joseph Smith and Emma and all that they had to go through. There are countless good people in history that have had horrible things happen to them. We are not exempt to having bad things happen to us because we are living the gospel. This life is a testing period. I think sometimes we think as long as we are doing everything we are asked we will be blessed and won't have anything bad happen. That is just not true! But Satan wants us to believe these lies.

Another lie I've struggled with is the issue of faith. I really hate hearing stories now that end with...because of my faith ...was healed or because of our faith we had a miracle happen. I know I had enough faith that Wyatt could have been healed. But Satan wants me to believe that I didn't and that is why we didn't have our miracle happen. The hardest test of my faith is when my prayers didn't get answered the way I wanted it to. I think that is when our faith is tried and tested and in a way really shows how much faith we do posses. It's easy to have faith when our prayers are answered exactly how we want them to be. The true test of our faith is when they aren't answered how we think they should be. I also feel a part of faith is trusting that Heavenly Father knows better than us and with that knowledge we need to put our complete trust in him. That has been hard for me during this roller coaster of grief that I've been on. I just can't think that Wyatt is needed more somewhere else than in my arms. How could he possibly be in a better place than where he was in our home being loved and adored. It's hard! I do know that there is a purpose in ALL things and maybe someday I will know why. Until then I am so grateful for all the tender mercies I've received this past year. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of me and what I'm going through each and everyday. He has placed people in my life to help me and I'm so grateful for that. I think he understands how hard this is and how it's going to be hard all of my life. If I stopped loving Wyatt I think I could move on and "be over him" but that won't ever happen. I think I will think about him everyday of my life until he is in my arms again. Why wouldn't I do that? I'm his mom and I continue to love him like I love my other kids. He's still a part of me.

I continue to have waves of grief hit me. One hit me yesterday morning and I couldn't stop crying. I sat on the couch holding Hay and listening to the songs I had put on this blog and cried. Hay and I talked about Wyatt and what we miss about him. She said she misses tickling him because he always loved that and would laugh and giggle. I'm so glad her memory of him hasn't faded yet. I hope I can keep his memory alive for her. She spent probably the most time with him besides me mainly because everyone else had school or other things to do. Hayley and I stayed at home each day enjoying being Wyatt's mom and sister. Hay loved to show off to Wyatt and he loved to sit and watch her with a smile or two as she would say "you sister is amazing."

I signed Hay up for preschool a couple of weeks ago and the teacher asked me how many kids I had. I said 4. She then asked where Hay fit into the family and I told her she was our 3rd. She then said to Hay "oh, you get to be a little sister and a big sister." I didn't have the heart at the time to tell her that she doesn't get to be that big sister anymore and will have to wait until the Millennium for that. That is one of many hard moments.

This picture of Wyatt and Hay is literally the last picture I took of him....it was the last picture on my camera. I had just gotten him that sweater for spring and wanted to take his picture in it. Hay always wanted to be included.

This Weekend

Draper Temple

This past weekend we had the opportunity to go up north for the Draper Temple open house. Oh, what a beautiful temple. It was neat to be able to let my kids see what it's like inside the temple...how gorgeous and peaceful it is. My favorite part was when we got to go into the sealing room and a couple talked to us about marriage and eternal life. That has so much more meaning to me. It's hard not to shout out loud how grateful I am that Derek and I were married for time and all eternity and that we will be a forever family. Because of the temple we are sealed to Wyatt forever. I can't think of a greater blessing than to know we will be together with those we love forever. I hope walking through the temple was a good experience for my kids..one that will get them even more excited to go someday.
I was also able to meet with some mom's and dad's that have lost their kids. It was simply amazing to me how I felt an instant bond with each of them. As they each told their story about their little one my heart broke because I know all too well what they are going through. The pain and heartache they are experiencing. I'm so grateful for ALL the people that have been placed into my life to help me through this trial. There are others that I can't wait to meet someday that have been there for me through the thick and thin of all the grief. I feel so blessed that a loving Heavenly Father put all these wonderful grieving parents into my life to help me know I'm not alone...to help me know that what I'm thinking and feeling is NORMAL. It was wonderful to finally meet a few of my angel parents..can't wait for the day to meet all the others.
I'm finding that going out of town and being away from normal life helps me. I really enjoyed my weekend with my sister's family and my family. We had such a good time chillin'(on facebook). I guess I need those moments to know that life is good and that there still is joy to be found. It's coming back to normal life that is always hard. That void of Wyatt's absence seems to hit me in the face once we get home. One day at a time is all I can do---pushing forward with hope, faith and excitement for when Wyatt isn't that void anymore and is a part of everything our family does. He may be here in spirit but I can't wait until he is with us physically.

Time

It's amazing to me how grief comes in waves. I've had a few good days where I felt some what normal but then it hits and out of the blue. I guess I need to qualify "a few good days" Everyday I feel the affects of grief. Some days though it comes harder and stays longer. So I guess those days where it isn't as intense and doesn't seem to stay as long will qualify as "a good day". This morning as I came home to an empty house after taking Hayley to preschool it hit me. This was going to be my Wyatt time...his one on one time. I know I've expressed this before but man the house is too quiet. I should be cleaning up after a one year old. I should be doing all those things you do for a one year old but I'm not.
On Saturday we were doing some yard work and I had to think how hard Wyatt would have been if he was here. I know I would have been chasing him and trying to keep him from the street. I probably would have been thinking how glad I was that he was our last and that I was ready to move onto the next stage in life. I was ready for that but now I'm not. I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward to that stage of not having little ones in our house. I feel robbed that it's happening way to quickly for me. Oh, I planned on enjoying every stage of Wyatt because he was our last. I can say I did enjoy every moment of those 5 1/2 months I had with him and in a way maybe that makes me miss him even more. Now, I have to go through the rest of my life with the what if's.

Today is the 13th. It's been 10 months since Wyatt died. That is probably why the grief is hitting me today. It's weird how those dates can do that to me. How have I lived those many days and months without him in it? Time seems to continue on when in my heart I feel it shouldn't be. It's such a weird thing to experience. I truly can't imagine going through 50 or more years without him. That is when I have to just think of the present and take it one day at a time because it becomes way too overwhelming to think anything more than that. Grief is such a crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out. I do know that Heavenly Father has blessed me these 10 months with so many tender mercies and answered prayers. How grateful I am for that. Here are a few pictures I took one morning while he was sleeping. I will always cherish each and every picture I have of my sweet Wyatt.

I have at least 25 more pictures I took that morning. I'm so grateful I took the time out of my busy day to enjoy him sweetly sleeping. I will cherish them all my life.
Now I have to put on the happy face and go and try and be a mom for my 9 year old at school. I've been volunteering in her class this year. I'm so grateful for each of my children.

I survived my first holiday season without Wyatt. I felt an added strength come upon me that helped me actually find moments of joy. Yes, there were those moments of tears and missing our boy but there was also moments of happiness. I was able to put grief on the shelf for a little bit and enjoyed time with family. We were able to go up north after Christmas. We went ice skating, played games and just enjoyed spending time with each other.

Once I got home though the grief was there waiting. I have had some really, really hard days. My arms continue to ache to hold him and love him again. I just miss him so much. Words can't even describe the longing I feel to have him back into my daily life.

I was reading a couple of books last night. I just love any quote that gives me hope of having Wyatt again just as he was laid to rest. I will not miss out on a single minute of his life. The hard part is going through the rest of this life without him in it. I look forward to the Millennium with great anticipation.

Here is a quote from the "History of the Church "regarding this: "Sister M. Isabella Horne said: 'In conversation with the Prophet Joseph Smith once in Nauvoo, the subject of children in the resurrection was broached. I believe it was in Sister Leonora Cannon Taylor's house. She had just lost one of her children and I had also lost one previously. The Prophet wanted to comfort us, and he told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and that they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers. The idea that I got from what he said was that the children would grow and develop in the Millennium, and that the mothers would have the pleasure of training and caring for them, which they had been deprived of in their life'".

I'm so grateful for this knowledge. I can't wait to nourish and care for Wyatt again. I don't know what I would do today without that knowledge. It's hard enough going through the grief but if I didn't have the hope of having Wyatt again I don't know where I would be today.

Yesterday, Derek hung the picture he gave me for Christmas. As I was looking at it closer I found something else that I love about it other than it reminds me so much of Wyatt the weeks before he passed away and the fact that he his touching his feet like Wyatt would do and his hands and feet look just like Wyatt's, he also has about the same amount of hair that Wyatt did....I could go on and on with so many similiarities but today I noticed his eyes. His eyes are looking at his mothers with such love and excitement...just like Wyatt use to do to me and I did to him. I miss Wyatt's smile and the twinkle in his eyes. I have no regrets with the time I had with Wyatt. I enjoyed him everyday of his short life. I'm so glad I did. I miss his smile and the happiness he brought into my daily life. I miss his giggle as I would blow on his stomach. I could go on and on with all the little things I miss about him. I love this painting because it reminds me of what I will see on the morning of the first resurrection--my almost 6 month old little boy. I'm just grateful for the knowledge that I have that I will get to do all the many things I long to do with Wyatt again someday. I will be able to look into his eyes again and see the love and excitement in them. And I know he will be able to see the same things from my eyes. The hard part is waiting until the Millennium for that. Oh, I can hardly wait.

The painting by Greg Olsen that Derek gave me for Christmas.

Quote for the day

Bereaved People are like Ducks:

Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy

"No Empty Chairs"

Christmas eve night we always have a nice dinner usually at my parents house. Last year we were up north for a niece's wedding and planned on staying and driving home Christmas eve night if the weather was good. Well, the weather didn't cooperate so we ended up going home a few days before Christmas eve. We had our first Christmas with just our little family last year. Little did I know it would be our only Christmas with Wyatt. I'm grateful we had that time together. I made name tags last year to go on the table. We planned out all the fun things we were going to do that night and it ended up being a very nice Christmas.

Well, this year we planned on going up north if the weather would be good for us to drive home Christmas eve night again but that didn't work out so we did our own dinner and activities again at home this year.

While I was decorating for Christmas a few weeks ago I came across our name tags that I had made last year. I flipped through them to find Wyatt's name. I thought at the time, what am I going to do with this? Do I throw it away--instant thought-NO. Then what do I do with it? I had spent some time thinking about it and I decided I would just put his name tag on the table.

As I was thinking about setting the table and where I was going to put Wyatt's name tag I had the feeling that I needed to set a place for him. I know that might sound weird but I've learned that I need to go with my gut feelings because usually there turns out to be some sort of meaning to it. So, I set a place for him.

As I was looking over at the table a little while later I noticed he didn't have a chair at his spot. I thought maybe I should go get a chair to put there and the instant thought came to me--No, he is already in his chair. He has made it to the celestial kingdom and he is waiting for each of us to fill our chairs. It went right along with our family motto of "No Empty Chairs." Even though there is an empty spot at our table this year we have the hope that we will be an eternal family and there will be a day when our table is full and EVERY chair is filled. Wyatt has filled his chair.

We were able to spend a few minutes during dinner talking about this and the symbolism on why he didn't have a chair at the table. We were able to enforce how important it is that we do our very best so that we can fill our chairs along side Wyatt's. It turned out being a very spiritual and special moment. I'm so grateful that we had already for years talked about our family motto of "No Empty Chairs" because I think it was to prepare us for this year. Our focus in life has now changed somewhat. I feel we have always been focused on those things that will lead us to the celestial kingdom but now that we actually have someone there waiting for us. It gives us even more motivation to do what we know we need to do so we can all be back home together. Here is that quote again by President Ezra T. Benson:

"God intended the family to be eternal. With all my soul, I testify to the
truth of that declaration. May he bless us to strengthen our homes and the lives
of each family member so that in due time we can report to our Heavenly Father
in His celestial home that we are all there--father, mother, sister, brother,
all who hold each other dear. Each chair is filled. We are all back home."

WE ARE A FOREVER FAMILY!

Christmas 2008

After our Christmas eve dinner we did our traditional hide the almond in ice cream. Tyler was the grand prize winner this year. Last year Wyatt was the grand prize winner which I think was very appropriate since it was his last and only Christmas with us. We bought diapers with his winnings last year. After the almond dessert activity we decorated a gingerbread house. Hayley especially enjoyed it and we had to tear her away from it.

We then watched Luke II. We usually act out the nativity but I just couldn't do it this year. Last year Wyatt was baby Jesus. It was just too hard this year. After Luke II Derek talked to us about the "No Empty Chairs" and few other very wonderful things and then we got out Wyatt's "No Empty Chairs" box that we did for his birthday. We opened it and recommitted ourselves again to giving him those presents. The spirit was very strong and I felt great peace.I had bought some battery operated candles that we took over to Wyatt's grave. It was a sweet tender mercy for us because it was snowing--it was absolutely beautiful and extra special since that doesn't happen very often here. We sang silent night and placed our candles on his grave. There were a few tears shed. It was a very special moment. Then each of the kids put a small toy on his grave. Tyler commented on how much Wyatt would have enjoyed playing with them. Those are some of the hardest moments. It was neat to look back and see his grave all lite up--it looked like it was on fire. I wish I would have brought my camera.
We then went home and the kids opened their traditional Christmas eve pajama's. Hayley flat out told me that she didn't want pajamas. I think she was expecting something more fun but she ended up putting them on and enjoying that she matched with her sister. The kids then opened up their gifts from each other. They then wanted to go to bed so they could start the kid party that they had been planning all day. It ended up being a very nice and very spiritual night for us.
Christmas morning I woke up around 4am and the grief hit me. I went into the family room and watched Wyatt's video. I just needed some time remembering him. I got out a lot of tears. Shortly after that the kids woke up and the excitement began. I love the excitement and joy that comes from opening each gift. Derek gave me the painting that I talked about on an earlier post by Greg Olsen. It's the one that I think looks like Wyatt right before he died. I started crying of course. I then looked on the back and Greg Olsen had signed it and left us a sweet and wonderful message. It was the perfect gift.

I gave Derek a book that I had put together of Wyatt's short life. It will go in Wyatt's room for those moments when we want to remember our sweet little boy. I also got a gift for the whole family from Wyatt. I think this will be a tradition each year. It will be a gift that we can enjoy together as a family. This year it was a church game. Hopefully it will give us moments of spending time together and building those relationships so that they will last forever.

My parents retired the part of the star from their nativity play and dedicated it to Wyatt. Wyatt will always have the part of the star each year. When I heard that they had done that I began to cry. It touches my heart whenever anyone thinks of our little boy and to know that he will be remembered every year is a sweet tender mercy for me.

We had a nice and peaceful Christmas with moments of laughter and moments of tears. I felt an added sense of peace and comfort that comes from answers to prayers. Thank you to so many for praying for us. Because Jesus Christ was born, lived and died and then was resurrected we can be an eternal family. How grateful I am more than ever for him especially this Christmas season.

Gratitude

My heart is overflowing with gratitude and I'm not sure how to express it fully. Thank you to so many people that have given us ornaments for Wyatt's tree. They are absolutely perfect. Each and everyone holds a special place in our hearts. I know so much thought and love went into each one and that means the world to us. They will be forever cherished. I feel such love flowing from his tree as I look at each ornament. It truly is a "TREE OF LOVE." Gratitude will fill our hearts each year as we dress Wyatt's tree and think of all the wonderful people that have helped us through one of the hardest years. How can we possible express our deep feelings of thankfulness for the kindnesses that so many have shown to us? I really don't know. So, please accept these words and know that we love each and everyone of you and are grateful you would share a part of yourselves with us and help make Wyatt's tree that much more special.

Last Week

The Christmas display at the Bellagio

I actually had an OK week last week. I guess I needed that so I could get all the things done that I needed to. I'm grateful for those moments when the grief lifts for a while. I feel like the snow we received last week was a tender mercy. We don't get snow here usually so to have it come and actually stay for a while was a tender mercy for me. It helped me get into the Christmas spirit so I could create some memories for my kids. The kids even had a day off from school because of the snow. We spent time making snow men, having snow ball fights and Derek and I took a walk at night in the winter wonderland. I enjoyed watching the snow flakes fall to the ground. I'm enjoying these simple things of life more than ever. It was a neat few days with the fireplace going and Christmas music playing and kids enjoying the beautiful snow. Which before this time was a hard thing for me to do.
We then went to Las Vegas for the Las Vegas bowl that BYU was playing in. Emily performed in the half time show. It ended up being a great experience for her. We had fun as a family enjoying the time we spent with each other. To have Derek all to ourselves for a few days was wonderful. I was able to put the grief on a shelf for a few days and it was nice. But then getting home and having the grief there waiting was not a pleasant thing. I guess I had a weeks worth of tears to catch up on. My thoughts and feelings have been running overboard since getting home and there is so much I could express but I won't. My arms ache as usual, my mind is trying to make sense of my life right now and I simply miss my baby! I think the reality that Wyatt won't be here for this Christmas and each and everyone after this is hitting me hard.

Snow fun

Las Vegas Bowl

Las Vegas Temple