Poem that says it all

I Lost My Child Today

by Netta Wilson, 1996


I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

A friend sent me this poem last week, one that knows all of this all too well. I just needed to post it because it's says things as it mostly is. I don't feel like everyone is like what is said above but I do sense this feeling that people feel by now that I should have moved on. Those that have lost a child or someone very close to you will understand. Though the grief is not there as much as it was a year ago for me it still comes. Yesterday it hit me. Those lost dreams seem to take me under at moments I don't plan on. So I cry and feel and try to do the best I can. I was reading in a book a few weeks ago and came across something I had underlined probably a year ago. It's from "Jesus Wept" by Joyce and Dennis Ashton they said:

"Crying is not the only way that we show emotion or grieve; however, it seems to
be beneficial both physically and emotionally. It's been reported that
tears shed during grief have more toxins than do regular tears. Tears actually
can be healing." Nearly three centuries ago, Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote:
"Sorrow that hath no vent in tears, maketh the organs of the body weep."

Another quote I had underlined:

"Mourning for our loss does not necessarily mean we are weak or that we
have lost our faith. Grieving, crying and feeling pain for our situation is
not conclusive evidence that we don't have sufficient faith or are weak.
We can believe in God, life after death, and all the truths of the gospel and
still experience profound pain, grief and sadness in our mortal
lives."

I really liked both of these quotes. I feel they are true. I do not cry all the time. I just have moments now here and there that it will hit me and I let those emotions out. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and then a few steps back. It's a life long process I feel I will continue to have to go through. Until Wyatt is in my arms again I will continue to miss him and ache for him and have moments when the grief takes me under. I guess knowing that helps me in a way. I accept those moments and do what I have to do to make it through them. I have learned to not judge what people are going through in their lives. I have learned to not try and fix people and tell them what they need to do but just listen and try to be as supportive and as loving as I can. Yes, I'm learning from this this trial in my life but if I were asked if I wanted to learn these things I would say no. I would so much rather have my baby back in my arms.