No Empty Chairs

I haven't written in a week. That might be a record. I think it's because I've had a really tough week and since it's the time and season of joy and happiness I feel it's hard to express the opposite. I worry that I might bring someone down. So if you don't want to listen to me whine then don't read any further.

I've had a hard time finding joy and happiness right now when all around me I feel that void in my life. Unless you have lost someone very close to you you will probably not understand what I'm talking about and feeling. I don't think I would have understood any of it a year ago but I'm afraid I know all to well how hard holidays can be now. Everything reminds me of what I don't have anymore. All the memories of last year come flooding over me and I just miss my little boy. So many lost dreams I face each day. Just a year ago Wyatt was under the tree loving the lights and trying to grab them...now he is gone. He should be a pest this year taking off all of the ornaments. Instead they stay where I put them. Christmas songs bring back the memories of dancing and twirling around with him. He would put his head on my shoulder as we danced to "The First Noel." Oh, how I miss that. I know I have 3 other beautiful children and I'm so grateful for them but that doesn't take away the hurt and longing I feel for Wyatt. I'm sure people might think..get over it he's gone so stop dwelling on it...you have other children you should dwell on them. I think that is easier said than done. I try my best to do that but I continue to feel this void in my life. It will be with me the rest of my life. My heart and arms will ache for him until he is in my arms again. It might get easier but it will always be there and there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I can try to just forget him and move on with my life..block everything out and pretend it didn't happen but I will not do that. I will keep his memory alive for me, my kids and husband. He is still a part of our family.

We decorated a small tree and put it on Wyatt's grave. As we were leaving the cemetery I had to think in my mind "I really can't believe this is my life right now." It just doesn't seem possible. I could go on and on with my sad feelings and heartache that I'm feeling right now but I won't. Sorry, about the downer stuff. I guess I just needed to let out some of whats going on in my mind. I guess to sum it all up... it's just beyond hard!

I do need to record how I am more grateful than ever for the birth of Jesus Christ. I didn't think that my love and testimony for him could possibly grow more than what it was a year ago but it has and I'm grateful for that. I also love our tree this year. I bought some things on clearance last year and I love how it makes our tree more complete. I've added a couple of pictures of it.

I'm also grateful for the many ornaments we have received for Wyatt's tree. They are just wonderful and mean so much to us. I will post some pictures soon. Thanks to everyone that has given us an ornament so far. They will be cherished for years to come.

I know that all that I'm feeling and going through is normal. This is part of the grief process and it's something I need to go through and feel so I can heal. I probably will never be the same person again. How could I? The trick is going to be making myself a better person from this trial. I have a choice of becoming bitter or softened. I hope I will choose to become softened. It's a daily battle I fight and I hope and pray I will win. I have a wonderful Grandma that showed me how to do it. She faced much heartache in her life. She became softened. I just hope I can become a little of what she became.

Hayley in front of our tree.