Photo shoot with Emily part 1

Emily has been wanting to do a photo shoot for a while now. We finally found some time to do it today. It was our mother daughter date for the month. So fun for me and I'm so glad she wanted to do it. She is so easy to take pictures of. Here are just a few of the many I took. I still have a bunch more to go through. I will most likely have a part 2. I love photography! It's so fun learning something new. I never thought I would feel a passion for anything else after Wyatt died but I've found something I truly love and enjoy. It was so fun to spend some time with my sweet Emily. Now I've got to convince Tyler to go with me on a photo shoot...can't believe he will be turning 13 in just a couple of weeks. I can't believe I will have an official teenager...CRAZY!

A Day at the Park

I took these pictures a month ago. I'm making a book for Hayley with some pictures of those things she loves. She LOVES to swing so we spent a morning at the park taking pictures of one of her joys. I am trying to cherish as many moments as possible this year before she goes to kindergarten next year. Can't believe she will be turning 5 in a week. Where has the time gone?

Sweet Assurance/I know/ Abundance

It's been a refreshing and refueling week. I got to go with my husband to Vegas for a day and 1/2 for some business. While he was at meetings I got to spend time doing whatever I wanted. To have some quiet time to reflect and think was priceless. To take time to ponder, plan and find ways to make improvements in my life was great and much needed.

I love the influence of music. I know how powerful it is and I love the influence it has on my life. I spent a lot of time listening to my Ipod, feeling, thinking and crying.

I also spent time doing things for myself that I usually don't have time to do. It was wonderful. I even got to spend some time shopping and just looking around. Which I haven't gotten to do for a while, at least without kids. Thanks to my parents for tending the kids so I could have this time. It was fun also to spend some time with my sweet husband talking and just enjoying each others company without the distraction of children. I feel it's important every once in a while to take some time for ourselves. It helps us become a better mother and wife and I also think it helps our marriages.

Once we got home I was blessed with yet some more refueling. I had the opportunity to go to "Time out" for women. My tank was filled to overflowing with great music and inspirational talks. The spirit was strong and I feel so blessed that I got to have this experience.

The theme of this conference was "sweet assurance" the certainty that comes when you know life's truths. We were asked many times what do you know? And I thought many times to myself..."What do I know?" Well, I know a lot of things but the thing that I know most of all and I think the thing that is most important is that I know Jesus Christ lives and through him I can find hope. Hope for help in this lifetime and hope for a day when I will hold Wyatt again. A day when I will do those many things that I long to do with him. And the sweet assurance that came to me was that when I do have that time with Wyatt again I won't have the worldly distractions to take me away from him. I'm hoping that there will not be dishes to do, the house to clean, meals to fix and laundry to fold. I will have more time to cherish each and every second with him as I get to watch him grow up. I believe those moments will be cherished even more than I could possibly have cherished them in this lifetime. It will be magnificent.

I also know that Jesus Christ is there for me now to help me through this lives journey without Wyatt. I know he understands my heart and is patient with me and the roller coaster of emotions I continue to go through. He does not judge me or tell me that I need to move on with life. Actually, I've received the sweet assurance that it's ok to continue to have those moments of grief and missing Wyatt. It's healthy and normal. He understands. I don't' feel pressure from him or from our loving Heavenly father that I need to "get over it" and not dwell on what is not in my life anymore. They understand...and most of all they understand me and my feelings. They then bless me daily with tender mercies. Mercies that help me know that I am loved and watched over. I know there is a loving Heavenly Father and an elder brother that loves me and loves every single person on this earth. This I KNOW!

I got an opportunity to do something I usually would never do. I tend to be shy. As you know I have talked about music a lot and the effect it has on me. There are so many songs that just speak to my heart. There is a particular artist that has some songs that are just so true...so true of grief and heartache that I can relate to them so well. I've listened to these songs many, many times. Well, at "Time Out" for women this artist was there and was completely amazing, funny yet incredibly spiritual. Her name is Hilary Weeks. She is wonderful!!

I felt like I needed to thank her for her music that has helped me on some of the hardest days of my life. So, I got the courage up and went up to her and thanked her. I told her how much her songs have touched my heart and helped me through the past year and 1/2 without Wyatt. She was so sweet and sincere and wanted to know about Wyatt and what had happened. I can't tell you how much that means to me when someone really and genuinely wants to know. She teared up and told me she could feel my strength and then gave me a hug and said you will make it. What an incredible women. I just feel so blessed for the abundance of spirit I've felt the past few days. I'm so grateful for the sweet assurances in my life that I know of so many wonderful truths of the gospel that helps me on my journey through this life. I feel abundantly blessed.

There was a speaker at this Time out for women that talked about abundance. While I was pregnant with Wyatt I stitched a pillow with this word and it's definition. I truly felt like we were abundantly blessed. 2 boys and 2 girls...Perfect!! But then when Wyatt died and we've continued to struggle financially I've not always felt abundantly blessed. I've felt like we have been abundantly blessed with trial after trail after trial. Well, yesterday one of the presenters talked about just this and how abundance can be in those simple things of life. It gave me a new prospective on the word and what I think it truly means. And I came to realize how truly abundantly blessed I am. I feel like the past few days I've been abundantly refueled...fullness to overflowing. So grateful for the abundance in my life and for those things that matter most. Grateful for all of those things I KNOW.

Halloween 2009

We had Miss America, a Gryffindor student from Harry Potter and a clown this year. If you notice in the picture there is a butterfly to represent Wyatt. Emily found this butterfly a week ago and brought it home. It was injured or something and didn't last long but for me it was a tender mercy to have a butterfly in our house. I kept it because who knows when I will see another one with winter coming around the corner. I look at it as a gift. I decided to put it in the picture at the last moment when my heart was breaking that Wyatt was not here. I wonder what he would have been this year...it's just hard.

We did have a good day as a family and enjoyed an amazing party in our neighborhood. We are so blessed to live in such a great place. The kids enjoyed trick or treating with their friends and then having the Halloween fairy come last night. Tyler decided to keep his candy but the girls were so excited to see what the fairy would bring this year. It turned out to be a little fur real pig and monkey. They love them.

It was a good Halloween all in all. I missed Wyatt like always but was able to have fun with the kids and our wonderful friends. I don't think the longing to have Wyatt in my life will ever change. It's something that will always be there until he is actually in my arms again. The wondering will always be there too. What would he be doing right now? What would he be like as a 2 year old? Questions I will not get answered in this life. I guess I have no choice except to wait to find those things out. Until then he will always be in my heart as well as in our families heart. We will continue to have our moments where our hearts seem to break all over again and again. We love and miss our Wyatt!!!

Missing him....

Missing our little peacock. We had a good Halloween with lots of fun, food and friends but there is also a part of sadness for me when Wyatt isn't with us physically on these holidays....actually it's hard everyday. Anyway, I will post pictures of Halloween soon. We love you Wyatt! We miss you and wonder what you would have been this Halloween.

5K, Halloween Party

This past Saturday Tyler and I ran our first 5k. Tyler did awesome and won first place in his age division and 10th place overall in the men's division. I'm so proud of him.

I'm not much of a long distance runner but since Wyatt died it's been something that has helped me cope in a way. During those early months of grief I would force myself to go on a walk and to get out of the house each day. That slowly lead to running more and more. I kind of enjoyed having some physical pain instead of the constant emotional pain I've felt..if that makes sense. It also doesn't hurt to get as many happy endorphins as I possibly can get.

This past summer since the sun would come up so early in the morning I had a hard time sleeping in so I would get up and go running. I love music and being able to listen to music while running has been a good thing for me. It truly has brought moments of joy, peace and comfort to my soul when I thought I would never feel that again. And then there are those songs that brings on the pain, sorrow and grief, which I feel is a good thing as well.

Most every morning I would start my run by going to Wyatt's grave. There is a hill before you reach the cemetery..not a big one but big enough to make my legs burn and for me to want to walk but I would tell myself that I could do it. That I can run up that hill. I would liken it to this lives journey. It hurts, it's hard but I've got to do it. Each step and each day is that much closer to having Wyatt in my life again. I then tell myself that I'm strong and can do it. That the reward(having Wyatt again) will be worth it. And then I dream of the day when that climb is over and he is in my arms again. Oh, it will be so awesome!

I then end up at Wyatt's grave. I will spend a moment or two grieving and getting some of those emotions out and then I would run and cry and listen to music that touches my heart. Some days I have more emotions to get out and other days not as much. Since the kids started school and it's gotten a little colder I haven't run as much so I was pleasantly surprised when I ran this 5k that I felt good. I didn't feel like I needed to stop and walk at all. I ran the whole way and actually had energy at the end to pick up my speed. It was quit fun and thrilling to go across the finish line. It was fun to have Derek and the girls and Tyler there cheering me on. This might be a new passion for me...we will see. If anything it's been something that I've needed to do since Wyatt died. I have forced myself out the door on many, many occasion when I really didn't want to. There is something that is good about getting a little exercise, breathing the fresh air and enjoying this beautiful earth that helps with my grief. On many of my runs I've had butterflies flying in front of me or by me. I feel like Wyatt has been by my side. I know he is here with me while I go through this life of grief. He is on the other side cheering his mom on. I feel like he is one of my biggest fans.

Tyler and I after the race.

Halloween Party
Saturday night we went to an amazing Halloween party. Derek and I dressed up at Harry Potter and Ginny Wesley. Thanks Mitch for letting us use your Harry Potter stuff. Here is the picture Tyler took. It was a fun evening with great friends, food and games. My sweet friend that puts this together does an incredible job each year. We are so blessed with great people in our lives.

Hole in the Rock

"Hole in the Rock"

(Lake Powell wasn't there when the pioneers went through this. It sure is beautiful now.)

A week ago we went with Derek's family to Hole in the Rock. What an adventure. We were in the car for 11 hours and a lot of those hours were spent on the bumpiest, rockiest dirt road I've ever been on. There were places where 4 wheel drive was a must. Let's just say I will most likely never do that again. I think if I want to see it again I will go by boat...much easier. Anyway, it was quit amazing to see this place and to think that the pioneers took their wagons down this "hole in the rock". It was unbelievable to think that they actually did that. The kids had a great time with their cousins and I think it will be something they will never forget. It was fun to spend time with Derek's side of the family. Here are some of the many pictures I took. It was fun to have some nieces and nephews that actually asked to have their pictures taken. I don't have that luxury very much in my household...probably because I'm always wanting to take pictures. So grateful as well for the beauties of this earth. Lake Powell is gorgeous! Along with the beautiful fall leaves and red rock. Love it! And as always I missed Wyatt but I did see a small white butterfly on our way.

Darling!

"Hole in the rock"

How did they take wagons down this?

The group hiking down "hole in the rock".

One our way we had lunch at "Devil's garden." It was beautiful!

Hayley enjoying her cookie.

I love red rock!

Some of the kids.

What a handsome little guy!

My handsome hunk.