Another favorite

Just because I wanted to do like 4 posts in one day I decided to add another favorite picture of Wyatt's angel day. Love the butterfly, my dad's hands that signify to me HARD WORK and Wyatt's picture and flowers in the background.

I won

I won this necklace from Sodderbug a couple of weeks ago. The idea room had sponsored this give away and I won. I was sooooo excited. I've wanted a necklace with Wyatt's picture in it along with my other kids since he died. When I saw this contest I had to enter hoping that some how I would win....when I did I was shocked. Amy from The idea room told me that if I hadn't of won she was going to give her free one to me...how sweet is that? Luckily we both got one. I've only won once before on a photography blog and I've entered lots and lots of contests. So I was beyond thrilled. I LOVE how it turned out. Go check out Sodderbug website...such darling ideas. Thanks Idea Room and Sodderbug. I feel so blessed to have this. I love that I will have a picture of all my kids to show people and that it will be close to my heart. LOVE IT!

The other side of the necklace.

A couple of other sweet gifts

My kindred spirit sent this to me to put on Wyatt's grave. I LOVE it! Her little Luke had a stuffed lion in his crib while at Primary Children's hospital. It signified courage...which their little boy showed so much of. We often talk about how our boys must know each other and maybe they had something to do with us getting together. I love this lion hugging a butterfly...it brings tears to my eyes. Can't wait for the day when my kindred spirit and I get to hold our little boys again and watch each other as we get to raise them. It will be a wonderful day. So glad to have a part of Luke at Wyatt's grave. Thank you Jen!
This is the BEAUTIFUL butterfly that Kamber's grandma sent me. I can't wait to see it on Wyatt's tree next Christmas. I LOVE all the sparkly blue jewels...it's perfect. Thank you again Teri...it will always be cherished.

Some darling earrings from Michelle who sent me the beautiful crystal butterfly at Christmas time for Wyatt's tree. Thank you Michelle for such a thoughtful gift. I'm still amazed at the kindnesses shown to me from people I've never even met. I hope someday to meet these people so I can thank them in person. I'm excited to have some butterfly earrings to wear. Oh so fun!

My brother and sister-in-law gave us this DARLING book. I love reading it to Hayley. Afterwards we dream of the babies she will have and will take care of someday. Then she always tells me "I will even let you tend them mom." I look forward to that! This book makes me so grateful that I'm a mother to Tyler, Emily, Hayley and to Wyatt.

Ice Skating

This was the fun activity we did as a family on Wyatt's angel day. The kids had so much fun and by the end they were great little skaters. Tyler was the fastest in the family which he was very proud of. He had been practicing with his roller blades for days. We had a really enjoyable time together.

I continue to think about how things would be if we had a 2 year old around. Especially when we go to a public place and there are lots of 2 year olds there. It's hard not to envy and wonder how different our lives would be if Wyatt were still here. Oh, how I would love to have that challenge.

Wyatt's angel day

This is one of my new favorite pictures...love the butterfly and I love my dad's hand.

Wyatt's angel day turned out to be a nice and peaceful day. Derek and I started out by going to the temple and feeling the peace and comfort we are so blessed to feel there. It was nice.

We then drove to the store where we always get our balloons blown up to release at Wyatt's grave. I held back the tears until we got to the car. The memory of 3 years ago when we filled up our first blue balloon came over me. We had told the kids on the day we found out if we were having a boy or a girl that we would bring a balloon for each of them at school either a pink or blue balloon. As soon as they would see it they would know if they were having a little brother or sister. I remember going to this store to blow up a blue balloons and the excitement we felt knowing we would be having another little boy. I was especially excited for Tyler because he wanted a little brother sooooo badly. I will never forget the smile on Tyler's face as he turned the corner to the school and saw the blue balloon. His prayers had been answered and he was going to have a little brother. It hit me yesterday as we were blowing up our Wyatt balloons how life can change so quickly. My heart ached for Tyler, Emily and Hayley...for all that they miss out on not having Wyatt in their lives. I had to wonder how many more years we will blow up blue balloons to remember our sweet little boy. That on that day 3 years ago I had no idea that we would be blowing up balloons in memory of the baby that was in my tummy. Oh it can be so unreal at times.

We went home and got the kids and went to Wyatt's grave with my parents. We did our balloon release which for the first time the wind wasn't completely blowing things everywhere. It was peaceful and fun to watch them go up in the air all together.

After we released the balloons we released the butterflies. This year since it wasn't windy they stayed around for a long time. The girls got to hold them and play with them. One stayed on my dad's hand forever and I was able to take tons of pictures. I marvel at how beautiful and neat these creatures are. It along with so many other things reminds me that Heavenly Father loves us and given us such beautiful things to enjoy if we will take the time to do it. It was really special. Since they didn't fly away and stayed to play we ended up keeping one that we will release in a couple of weeks if we can keep it alive. I'm so grateful for this little tradition we have started. So grateful to have "Wyatt moments" again.

We then went home and the weather turned really bad...I was so glad we did the releases early that day because it got so windy, cold and hailed that afternoon. It reminded me a lot of the day Wyatt died. It rained most of that day 2 years ago but when Derek and I left the hospital that evening the sun came out. It did the same thing yesterday. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or not...it sure brought back some memories both good and bad.

My sweet friend invited Emily and I over for a fun little luncheon. This friend has been so good to me and has helped me in so many ways. She understands grief and has been there for me when I've needed it. I will be forever grateful to her for all she has done for me and for my family. Emily and I had a wonderful time with our sweet friends.

When we got home we went ice skating. I wanted to do something fun to celebrate Wyatt's life. I did not want it to be a total sad day. We have had too many of those kinds of days so I tried really hard to make it one of happiness and laughter. I asked my kids what they would want to do out of anything for spring break. They all said ice skating, especially Tyler. That is when I decided we would go ice skating together on Wyatt's angel day. We had a really good time and the kids thoroughly enjoyed it. We then came home, had pizza and watched a funny movie. I had debated about watching Wyatt's videos but decided to wait...one of these days we will get them out and I'm sure many tears will be shed but for this day I decided to wait. There will come a day soon that we will do that.

My parents gave me a sweet gift. I was shopping with my mom a couple of months ago and saw this darling tea set. I fell in love with it and dreamed of the fun little tea parties me and the girls could have together. I didn't get it but went back later that week to see if it was still there and it wasn't. I figured it wasn't meant for me or else it would have still been there. Well, my mom had gone back that day and bought it for me and gave it to me on Wyatt's angel day. How completely sweet is that? I'm so grateful for such kind and thoughtful parents. They are simply wonderful! Now my dreams of fun little tea parties will come true.

Another gift that brought me to tears was a little quilt sent from a grandmother of sweet Kamber who passed away 6 months after Wyatt. Kamber's mom has been such an inspiration to me and has helped me in so many ways. She writes about grief and Kamber so wonderfully. She is amazing. I guess Kamber's grandma as been reading my blog and wanted to send something to me. She sent this amazing quilt and a butterfly to put on Wyatt's tree. It came on Wyatt's angel day while we were at the temple. What perfect timing! I cried as I opened it...so very thoughtful and sweet. I LOVE everything about this quilt...the butterfly fabric, the words and the time and effort that was made to make it. I just feel so overwhelmed by so many kind and thoughtful people that I have never even met. I just feel so blessed. Thank you Kamber's grandma...they will always be cherished and when I look at them I will think of Kamber.

I do feel like we had added strength and comfort given to us this past week and yesterday. That prayers had been answered in our behalf. Thank you to each and everyone that has thought of us on this day. Thank you for all the sweet cards, e-mails and messages. I can't even express how much that means to us. How much it means to us that Wyatt is NOT forgotten and that his life and memories live on. That by him lives are being touched and changed for the better. Here are many pictures from our day. I have a few from ice skating that I will post later.

I LOVE some of the butterfly pictures we got.

Love this one on Tyler's shoe. Wyatt LOVES his brother!

The balloon release.

The beautiful bouquet my parents put on Wyatt's grave. Oh, so sweet! His grave so very decorated.

The tea set from my mom. Can't wait to enjoy it with my girls. We will have lots of fun with this!

Oh so cute!

Derek's mom and Dad sent this to us to. Can't wait to get some candles and light it up. I'm sure we will have many candle light dinners as a family with this. Love it!

Seriously, one of the sweetest things ever...thank you Kamber's grandma!

LOVE this quote from some dear friends of ours. Thank you!

Two lives

I wrote this post a few days ago but didn't get around to posting it. I've been sick all week with an awful cold. I've really had to try and not think or feel because I just couldn't handle more congestion that crying would create. Maybe in a way it was a blessing but I'm sure this next week it will hit me...all those memories of 2 years ago. I still can't believe it's been two years and my longing and aching has not changed. Though I've been able to learn how to life again I still long to have Wyatt physically in my life. That will never change and grief will still continue coming at moments here and there. But I've learned that I can make it through those moments because I've made it through so many before. Not that it makes it any easier but there is a sweet assurance that I will survive and make it through another wave of grief when it comes.

I just want to quickly thank everyone for all the thoughtfulness and prayers that have been shown to us this week. Especially yesterday. We feel so blessed with such wonderful friends, family and strangers that have touched our hearts. I will post about our day yesterday and all the thoughtful things people did for us. I feel so blessed with so many wonderful and kind people in our lives. We felt added strength and love and I'm positive that came from so many prayers and thoughts that were made in our behalf. Thank you everyone!

Post from a few days ago....

On March 13, 2008 I began a journey...a new life. I feel like I have 2 lives now. One before March 13, 2008 and the one after that day. I often long for the life before that day...the naive life where I had no idea what grief was all about. Where life was so simple. Where my heart was free from the ache and longing that I feel. Where my life felt so complete.

My life after Wyatt's death has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I felt such strength, peace, comfort and almost a part of heaven the last days we had with Wyatt and the day he passed to the other side. I guess I thought I would continue to feel that but it eventually left and I've had to take each day as it has come. Making little steps here and there and doing the best I could possibly do each day. I've learned that "The best way out is always through." That is not the easiest thing to do but it's the best way to do it.

I do feel like my life now has so much more meaning than it did before Wyatt died. I've learned things and felt things that I couldn't have learned any other way. I feel such a deepness inside me that wasn't there before. I notice things more. They bring more joy and happiness to me than they did before Wyatt died. I know whats truly important in this life. My compassion level has increased beyond what I thought it could possibly be. But with that said I would give anything in this world to go back to that other life the one with Wyatt physically in it.

My faith has been tested and continues to be tested but I'm proud of how I've made it through the past 2 years. How have I made it? Check out this post I posted last year. I feel those same things are what have helped me through yet another year without my Wyatt and I know that they will help me through another one without him as well.

I'm not sure if I've talked about that day 2 years ago when Wyatt passed to the other side. It was the most SPIRITUAL day of my life and I will often have to remind myself of the incredible feelings I felt that day. The knowledge that I knew at that moment that he was where he was suppose to be. The peace and love we felt was almost tangible at that time. I truly feel like we felt a glimpse of what heaven is like.

2 years ago on March 13th I began a new life....and I'm trying to do my best to endure it well.

This I know...Our love is eternal and it will never change! Love you Wyatt!

Some very sweet people have put a few things on Wyatt's grave. My Dad gave my mom roses for Valentines day and she went and put them on Wyatt's grave. How sweet and thoughtful is that? Such an unselfish thing to do. I have the greatest and most kind parents in the world. So grateful for them and all they do for me and my family.

My amazing visiting teacher put this butterfly on. She is always surprising us with things on Wyatt's grave. Can't even tell you how much that means to me. Thank you Lisa!

And then my niece was down for vacation and took the time to come out to Wyatt's grave and put on this darling stuffed elephant. Oh so sweet of her! Thank you Jessica. We are blessed with so many good people in our lives.

Here are the caterpillars in their different stages. They are now out as butterflies. We started with 6 and ended up with 5. We will be releasing them on Saturday, Wyatt's angel day. Still can't believe it's been 2 years...in some ways it seems like a lifetime and in other ways it seems like just yesterday. Oh, how we miss and long for our Wyatt.

And then while I was at the cemetery taking pictures of Wyatt's grave I couldn't help but take some of a new grave with fresh beautiful flowers. I LOVE flowers they bring me much joy! I especially love taking pictures of them.

Oh so beautiful!

Butterfly

I saw my first butterfly of the year today. It looked like this....

What a TENDER MERCY for me. I've made it through another winter.

Another TENDER MERCY has been all the sweet, loving and kind comments left. Thank you everyone for all the love and support I receive from such wonderful people in my life. Thank you, I will be forever grateful.

Approaching...

Wyatt's angel day is approaching in a couple of weeks. I truly can't believe it's almost been 2 years. I can't believe it's been that long since I held my little boy. It just makes my arms ache more than ever. I haven't really felt like expressing my feelings lately. I have been busy with life but that doesn't take away the fact that grief continues to hit for moments here and there. Not nearly as much as it use to do but it's still there. I think the fact that his angel day is approaching doesn't help either. Tonight I just ache for him...it's hard to even describe that ache but it's such a real tangible thing. Oh, what I would do to just hold him again. To have him grab onto my finger as I would feed him. To give him a bath and blow on his tummy and make him laugh. To put lotion on him and smell that sweet smell. Oh, I would give anything in this world to have him back into my arms. A day does not go by that I don't think about him and miss him. I don't think that will ever change. I love him too much.

I ordered caterpillars/butterflies to release on his angel day. They are now in their chrysalises and will be butterflies in a few days. I'm now hoping I can keep them alive for his angel day. I'm looking forward to having some real butterflies in my life again. It's been months since that.

I so wanted to leave town to just get away for his angel day. Maybe in a sense to just run away from the fact that it can't possibly be 2 years since he left us. How could that possibly be? The ache is still so there. But finances as they are we can't leave town so we will spend the day doing the things we did last year. Attending the temple, releasing butterflies and balloons and spending some time remembering our little boy and I'm sure shedding a few tears. We haven't watched the videos we have Wyatt...maybe we will be brave and get them out. I know it will not be easy but I do think it will help keep his memory alive. I'm afraid that memory is fading too quickly as time passes. Hopefully the videos will bring it back without too much pain. Spring break for us will never be the same. It always falls on the same week as two years ago when we thought we were going on vacation and ended up watching our baby take his last breath. Something I never thought I would have to witness.

I'm so grateful my brother thought to take these pictures and all the others of our last week with Wyatt. Though they are hard to see I'm so grateful I have them.

Live in the Moment

I LOVE this quote...

“The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”

I love what this mother had to say. It's so true and for me sometimes such a hard thing to do. I like having things done, which is good but I need to make sure I'm taking those moments during the day to enjoy my kids and what they are doing or saying.

I saw this idea of putting the words onto a picture and framing it. I knew I needed to make one. I made this picture tonight and I'm going to frame it and put it on my nightstand to remind me each morning what's most important in life. "Live in the moment...treasure the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less." A great reminder to start each day with. If you want to know how to make a picture like this click here. Yet another fun and crafty idea from another amazing blogger.

14 years

14 years ago today was the most important day of our lives. It's the day Derek and I got sealed in the Salt Lake temple for time and for all ETERNITY. Because of that most wonderful and amazing moment in our lives we have the certainty and knowledge that Wyatt will be ours forever. That Tyler, Emily and Hayley will be as well. I can't think of a greater blessing or gift than that. I feel so blessed to have the most amazing, compassionate and loving husband. He has been the rock and strength for me the past 2 years.

I have very vivid memories of 2 years ago on our Anniversary. Wyatt spent that day with us since he was still nursing. Those are some of the last sweet memories I have of our little boy. Little did I know just a couple weeks later Wyatt would not be in my arms anymore. I cherish those memories I had with him and look forward to the day when we will create many more with him. I knew how important that day was 14 years ago when we were sealed together forever but it sure hit home to me on March 13th when Wyatt passed to the other side. Happy Anniversary to my sweet heart. Thanks for 14 amazing years and I look forward to an ETERNITY more.

We are a Forever Family.

***I've added Derek and I's song to the blog..."Keeper of the Stars."