Angel Day

Wyatt's grave...thank you everyone that have put things on it.

We survived our first angel day and it turned out to be a very sweet and special one. The peace was there and we felt such love from so many wonderful people in our lives. Thank you to each and everyone that sent prayers and support our way. Thanks for all the sweet comments left on the blog. And thanks for the cards in the mail. All of it has been such a tender mercy for our family. Thanks to those of you that put things on Wyatt's grave..oh, that means so much to me.

We woke up and looked out into our front yard and someone had put paper butterflies covering our entire front yard. It brought tears to my eyes. Oh, I can't tell you how much that meant to me to see. So, whoever did that for us THANK YOU. They were each cut out individually. I can't even imagine how much time that must have taken so thank you sooooo much! What a sweet tender mercy for our family. I'm so grateful for so many that showered us with love and support yesterday.

The kids went to school and my parents tended Hayley so Derek and I could go to the temple. While we were at the temple my parents planted our pots in the backyard for us. Thank you mom and dad...we love them!

The temple was one of the greatest mercies for me of the day. We did sealings. When we entered the sealing room there was already another couple in there. When it was our turn the sealer said "this couple is here celebrating their 10th anniversary are you here celebrating something?" Derek and I both hesitated and I looked at Derek and wondered if we should tell him because I guess the word "celebrating" took me off guard. But I felt like we needed to so I said "um...yes, we are here because a year ago today our little boy passed away." I'm sure that was not at all what the sealer was expecting..he said "well then we will all be very close today". We did many sealings and as always I held back the tears as much as possible as I would listen to the wonderful blessings promised there...those promises that give me so much hope. At the end the sealer then asked us if we didn't mind sharing what happened a year ago. I then told him the short version of Wyatt's last week here on earth. There was not a dry face in the room..even my sweet husband teared up which he hasn't done since Wyatt died. The sealer was very touched and it was such a tender mercy for me to be able to share our Wyatt with these people we didn't know and to have them show such tenderness towards us. The other couple were both in tears and after, the husband told us that he had lost his brother to a drowning many years ago. It was such a special moment where the spirit was very strong...at least for me. I'm so very grateful for the temple and all the wonderful blessings it can give us. I'm always so grateful for the chance to share my Wyatt with whomever will listen. So, that was a tender mercy I will be forever grateful for.

We then went home to put a few things on Wyatt's grave before the kids got home from school. On our way home though we stopped at Home Depot to get some wire so we could wire stuff at his grave. As we entered Home depot I noticed the weeping cherry trees. We had a weeping cherry tree at our house in Orem and I loved it. I told Derek how much I missed having that tree. Then the thought came to me that we should get one and plant it in our backyard in memory of Wyatt. I loved the name of the tree "weeping" because I've spent a lot of time doing that this year and I felt like that was very symbolic of us making it through our first year without our sweet little guy. So we bought a weeping cherry tree that we planted today next to the rose bushes my parents bought us when Wyatt was born.

Once the kids got home from school we went to Wyatt's grave. We had blown up balloons and had the kids write on them. I felt like that was a good thing on his birthday to let them express how they were feeling so I decided last minute to do it again. We then released them at Wyatt's grave. Then we released the 5 butterflies that we watched from being a caterpillar to a chrysalis to a butterfly. What an amazing process we got to experience. The butterfly release was even neater than I had expected. There was one butterfly that was bigger then the others and I felt like it was the prettiest. Well, that one didn't fly away. It stayed around and let each of us hold it. After each of us held it, it then would fly a little ways and the girls would catch it again. This went on for a long time. There was one moment when Emily was holding it and it flew right at me and around me...pretty much attacked me. Oh, I just had to think that Wyatt had something to do with this. As I watched the girls running and laughing in the cemetery (of all places) enjoying this butterfly it did my heart good. It was a really neat experience for our family and what a tender mercy! That butterfly eventually flew off and we didn't see it again.

All in all it was a very peaceful day. I'm sure it was because of the many prayers offered in our behalf. Thank you to each and everyone that remembered us on this anniversary... I never thought we would ever have. Thanks for all the love and concern that was given to us. We feel very blessed with all the wonderful and amazing people in our lives. Here are some pictures from our day yesterday. I obviously like taking pictures so there are a ton.

Our first "Wyatt moment" of the day.

The pots in our back yard.

The butterfly farm.
Releasing the butterflies.Four of the butterflies with their wings out. The whole time they were in our house I wanted to see them with all their wings out...this was neat for me. It happened right before we released them. The girls chasing the butterfly.

The pretty blossoms at the cemetery.

A plant from the Relief Society Presidency

Gerber Daisies(my favorite flower) from my kindred spirit...Jen.

Our "Weeping"Cherry Tree

One year

I don't even know where to begin or how to express the emotions that are going through me right now. Lets just say this has been a very hard week. All the memories of a year ago are replaying in my mind. The way the sun was the night we took Wyatt to instacare, the blossoms and the awful, awful memories. I saw things that no mother should ever have to watch their baby go through. The feeling of helplessness I felt a year ago... I can't even come up with words to describe it. I knew this week would be hard but I'm finding these moments this week harder than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm reliving the week of a year ago but without that added strength and comfort that was soooo there last year. There was more of a shock factor a year ago...too much for me to even comprehend but now that is gone and I'm trying deal with all those awful memories. But along side those awful memories are the most spiritual memories of my life and I will always cherish and hold onto those incredible moments and days where the Holy Ghost touched me like I've never been touched before.

I really can not believe I have lived and that I have actually breathed for almost 365 days without my Wyatt. In a sense it has been 365 days because yesterday was the day it all happened and he never woke up again. Yesterday, as I woke up I thought in my mind how have I done it...how have I possibly lived for that many days with the grief and sorrow and pain. Here is a list of a few things that have helped me live and what continues to help me live through this most difficult of trials.

• My husband and kids...having them by my side as helped me so much. Words can't even describe how much love I feel for each of them. Hay has been there with me day in and day out. Even though she is only 3 years old and now 4 she has known how to comfort her mom. I feel at times that since she is younger and maybe more pure that she has been extremely in tune to the spirit and has come to me in those moments when I've needed her the most. Sometimes that has been in the middle of the night along with the numerous times during the day. Each of my kids have been a strength to me and my husband has been a rock. He has not judged me or told me how I should grieve but he has been there to listen, love and care for me. I will be forever grateful for the wonderful husband and children I have been blessed with.



• The Savior: Because of him I have hope. I don't know what I would do without that hope. It's hard for me to even come up with words that express fully how I feel about him and all he has done for me. How grateful I am for him!
  


• Music: Music has always had a way of touching my spirit and comforting me. It has done that for me so much this past year. The hymns especially have brought comfort and peace to my soul as I have listened more closely to the words. I have had some neat moments with "God be with you till we meet again" I will always cherish those tender mercies that I felt came from my Wyatt. I know that I will be with Wyatt again..the words don't say "if" we meet again but "till" we meet again. And I believe that is so true and I can't wait until that day! Music has been bittersweet. Sacrament meeting has been hard at times trying to hold back the tears as words speak to my soul. The words of hope of the resurrection will always brings tears to my face as I think of that most wonderful day when I will be holding my baby again in my arms. The hymns that focus on the Savior have been especially tender to me because it is because of him that I have any hope at all. The sting of death is taken away because of Jesus Christ. I love music and I am very grateful for it's influence in my life especially during this year...the hardest year of my entire life!



• Prayer: I have to say prayer has been big in helping me through this last year. My individual prayers but mostly those prayers I have felt others offer in my behalf and in the behalf of my kids and husband. So thank you to each and everyone of you that have offered prayers for us and continue to offer prayers for us. We will be forever grateful for that. I also feel that many of my individual prayers have been answered by the many earth angels in my life and through this blog. I'm so grateful for each and every person that has been an instrument in heavenly fathers hands to help me.



• Angels: Those seen and unseen. Especially all the earth angels that have touched my life and helped me through this. I don't think I could list everyone that has touched my life but I want to thank each and everyone of you for all that has been done in my behalf. I can't tell you how comforting it has been to me when someone has e-mailed me or left a tender comment on the blog or sent me a letter or a gift or called me...oh, I could go on and on with the amazing things people have done for me. How grateful I am for each and every ornament we received for Wyatt's tree...I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to each and every person that has touched my life for good. I'm especially grateful for those courageous people that have taken the time to come and ask me how I might be doing and really want to know. Or for those of you that have sent an encouraging note or one just asking how I was doing. I am grateful for each and every tender mercy that has come to me. Thanks to those of you that have brought Wyatt up in conversation. I think that is one of the greatest tender mercies for me is to have someone remember my sweet little boy. So THANK YOU to so many people..those I know and don't know. I also need to thank all the family members from both sides of our families that have been so supportive and wonderful to us. I'm also grateful for the unseen angels that I believe have been there to help when when I've needed it the most and I will be forever grateful for that.



• Satan: This obviously needs some explanation. I guess I'm grateful for the fact that I have known this whole year how Satan is so there and wants me and my family. It has been a good thing for me because I have been able to recognize those moments when I felt doubt, discouragement and despair. I've been able to identify that those feelings on the most part are from Satan and that he is very aware of how hard this is and how this is his time to try and get me to turn away from what I have believed all my life. I have had some very dark and hard moments where doubts have filled me. I have had to rely on that testimony I had before Wyatt died more than I ever have in my entire life. I've had to remember those moments when I know without a doubt that I have felt the holy ghost bear witness to me that so many things are true. The thing that I've learned the most from attending the temple this year is how Satan is always there trying to lead us away from those things that are the most important in our lives. I guess what I've learned and I'm continuing to learn is that I'm fighting a battle and some how I've got to come out on top because I've got to make it back to Wyatt.



• Words: Those from the scriptures and those from apostles and prophets. The words that I've read and clung to this year have helped me beyond description. I could name off so many quotes that have comforted my soul and have given me hope. Talks from apostles and prophet that I felt like they were speaking right to me. I don't know what I would have done without the many words I have read. I'm grateful for the many books that are out there on grief...so that I can know that what I am feeling and going through is normal since before this happened I had no idea about grief and what it does. The scriptures on countless occasions have helped me through a difficult day or moment.



• Angel Moms: There was a strength that came upon me during Wyatt's last week on this earth and the weeks that followed. I almost thought that this was how it was going to be and I would be able to make it through this but then it left and I was left to feel the real pain of losing a child. I remember reading a comment on Wyatt's obituary from the president of the Healing Hearts Angel group and her inviting me to the group. I remember thinking I don't think I will need that...oh, how naive I was. After a few weeks with the strength and peace gone I needed to know I wasn't alone. I needed to know there were other moms out there with the same awful pain I was feeling and I needed to know that I was normal in all the emotions and things that were going through my mind. I'm so grateful for the amazing, wonderful mom's that I've meet this past year that knows what it's like to feel and go through all that I've been going through. They have lifted me up when I didn't know if I could do it anymore. They encouraged me and have helped me along and I don't know where I would be today without all of them. So thank you each and every angel mom that has helped me and continues to help me. Especially thanks to my kindred spirit.



• Blog: This blog has been good for me in a lot of ways. It has helped me express so many feelings and emotions. I'm especially grateful for all the sweet comments from so many wonderful people. People I know and people I don't know. I can't tell you how much that has helped me when I've needed some added strength to read such uplifting and loving comments from so many of you. Thank you. I'm also grateful for the blog and it's ability to connected me to so many of those Angel mom's I just spoke of. I feel like each person that as come into my life this year has been an answer to prayers.



• Temple: I'm grateful to have been able to go to the temple a lot this past year. I have felt added strength to fight against those hard moments of doubt. I've enjoyed the peace and spirit that is there. I'm especially grateful for the eternal aspect of the temple and the knowledge that we are a forever family.



• Butterflies: I'm grateful for each and every butterfly moment that I've had and I hope to continue to have those moments. I feel it a great blessing to have had so many distinctive moments where I've known it was Wyatt letting me know he is aware of me. Along with all the other tender mercies that have been given to me to know that Wyatt is still there and aware.

Wow, I could go on and on with this list but I think I will stop. My life is forever changed. The grief will not end because it has been a year. I loved that quote I put on a few weeks ago talking about how grief doesn't have a beginning, middle or an end in this life. I do feel as time has passed that those moments have been a little less often and I'm learning more and more how to deal with it. I know from others that have been through this that it does get easier but never goes away. I will continue to take it one day at a time and continue to feel all I need to feel so I will heal as much as I possibly can. There is moments of joy in our lives now and they seem to be even more sweet than we ever thought possible. When you have experience the bitter the sweet seems to be even better. We will always miss our little boy! There will always be a void in our life and there will be many more moments of sorrow until the day comes that we are together again as a whole family with each chair filled. We love you Wyatt....we miss you...and we continue to ache for you.

Poem

We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.

Each morning when we awake,
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
As we try to carry on.

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.

Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still,

There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.

If tears could make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.

We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.

Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
~ Author unknown~

Wyatt moments

I had 3 Wyatt moments today. Two while driving in the car and one in our backyard. I can't tell you much I have missed having these moments with butterflies the past few months. Today was a hard day and I was very grateful for this tender mercy. I just love the colors of this butterfly. All 3 I saw today were this kind of butterfly. I've never seen one like this before...it's simply beautiful! I love blue and brown together...those were the colors I was going to make Wyatt's room into when he got a little bigger. It was neat seeing a butterfly with those colors. While I was taking this butterflies picture it kept flying towards me...I had to duck a couple of times because I thought it was going to hit me in the head. I'm grateful for each and every moment that makes me feel Wyatt close. This was one of those moments.

Pretty blossoms

Heavy Heart/Butterflies

My heart has had some heavy moments today. My heart aches for the Gledhill's as they have had to say goodbye to their sweet little Gracie today. It's hurts to know that they will have to travel the long road of grief and sorrow. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It has also brought back the memories of almost a year ago. The decision to take Wyatt off life support and put our complete trust in the Lord was comforting but also heart wrenching.

The change of weather is bringing some of those feelings of a year ago back to me. The plum trees are now showing their blossoms which means it's getting closer to that day we laid Wyatt to rest. It was such a beautiful spring day with the trees popping out with abundant color and beauty. My heart aches to think it's been almost a year since we had to say goodbye and I still long to have him back in my life. The grief is still there. As Elder Russell M. Nelson says: "The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life" I will forever love my Wyatt so until he is in my arms again there will always be a degree of sorrow in my life. Wyatt's absence in our lives is still felt each and every day.

I continue to struggle with many aspects of grief, life and the emotions attached to it all. I'm learning more and more each week as we have faced different difficult situations that life is just plain hard. And I've struggled lately with how unfair it all is. I continue to take one day at a time because that is all I can do right now. I'm hoping that I will become refined from the trials of this life and not bitter. It's a constant battle I face each day.

I'm still clinging onto the hope of the resurrection when I get to have my little boy again in my arms. And the gratitude I feel in my heart for my Savior for taking the sting of death away from me is beyond description.

For Wyatt's angel day or graduation day next week we are going to release butterflies. Butterflies have been such a tender mercy to me and our family this past year. I've stated this before but when they moved Wyatt into his final room there was a butterfly on the door. I wondered why there would be a butterfly on his door since he was a boy but I also knew that everyone in PICU knew what we were going through because I could see it in their eyes. That is the way they let everyone know that he is leaving this life and moving onto the next. So, since his passing I've had some very distinctive moments with butterflies that I've known Wyatt is aware of me and what I'm feeling and going through. So I thought it would be a neat thing for my kids to watch caterpillars turn into butterflies and then we would release them on Wyatt's angel day next week. We already have 2 butterflies with 3 more in their chrysalis's. Hopefully, we can keep them alive for another week and 1/2 so we can release them on his angel day. I can't believe I even have a day like this to have to go through. A part of me just wants to stay home all day and cry but then a part of me wants to celebrate the wonderful almost 6 months we had with our sweet little boy. He has graduated into that next stage of existence. That day a year ago truly was the most spiritual day of my life! And on the other hand it was the most heart wrenching and sad days I have ever experienced.

Tonight I was reading a book by Russell M. Nelson and there was a paragraph I loved. He is talking about children dying: This is what he said:

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the
family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a special
reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights
through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but nigh at hand." (D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those children still live and are a heritage to the Lord."

Oh, the long days and the longer nights I know all too well. I feel Wyatt is helping our little family draw nearer to God. We miss the smallest flower from our family garden but we know we will have him again and what a marvelous time that will be.

Just needed to add one of my favorite pictures of our sweet little Wyatt.

Well worth the wait!

Today is Derek and I's 13th anniversary. I can't believe it's been 13 years since we were married....it seems like yesterday. It was one of the most wonderful days of my entire life. One I will never forget. I feel so very blessed. Derek is the most amazing husband. I feel like the luckiest person in the world that he is mine. How grateful I am for the incredible parents that raised him and taught him the things he knows and the desire to always do good. Thank you Mom and Dad Larsen for giving me the most wonderful husband I could ever ask for.

Derek and I were both older when we got married. That was a hard time for me in my life. I wanted to get married and be a mom and it took a long time and a lot of dating until I found the one I was searching for. I'm so grateful I was picky and that some of the relationships just didn't work out because I couldn't think of anyone better fit for me than my sweet Derek. I have often looked back on those days of dating and the frustration that they created in my life. I have asked to myself was it worth the wait? And the answer is YES so worth the wait. It was so hard at the time but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I have the most wonderful and caring husband anyone could ask for. I think we appreciate each other more because we did have to wait. I remember thinking during those dating years that if I ever find a wonderful husband I will be grateful to my Heavenly Father everyday for him. I can say that has been true. I'm so grateful that I'm married and that we have been blessed with some amazing kids. There was a time I didn't even know if I would have a husband let alone kids so I do feel blessed. Derek was well worth the wait!!!!

This past year has not been the easiest year...probably the hardest one out of the 13 we have had. This past year my sweet husband has been the most amazing, supportive and understanding husband anyone could ask for. Yes, we have had our moments like every couple does but I feel our love has grown so much during this past year as we have had to lean on each other and support each other during such a trying time. Derek knows how to comfort me and how to make me feel better. He especially knows how to make me laugh even when it doesn't seem possible. He gives me the strength to continue on when all things seem impossible.


I'm so grateful that we were married in the temple 13 years ago because of that choice we will have Wyatt again and we will be together forever. What a wonderful and amazing truth that is. It gives me the hope each day to keep going and to not give up. The relationships we have in this life is about the only thing we get to take with us to the next. I'm so grateful that Derek and I can spend eternity together with all of our children.


I have wondered that past few days about the phrase "well worth the wait." I've compared those days of dating and longing to get married with the trial we are going through right now. I've thought about when I get to hold and be with Wyatt again. Will it be worth the wait? Right now it's hard to think that waiting as long as we have to wait will be worth it but I have to believe that once we have Wyatt again we will be able to say YES it was worth the wait. I couldn't say at the time of all the dating and drama I went through that it was worth waiting for the right guy but now I can. Now that I have the love of my life I can say it. I have to believe that once Wyatt is with us again it will be just like that. It will be one of the most amazing and wonderful times of our existence. Maybe because we will have to wait it will make it that much more amazing. I also think we will appreciate Wyatt that much more...probably more than I can even comprehend. The challenge now is trying to make it each and everyday when my heart and soul longs to be with him again. My heart continues to ache and I wonder if I can make it through the rest of this life without one of my children. When I have my moments of sorrow and grief I usually have a moment or two of gratitude for the wonderful husband I been blessed with along with the incredible kids I've been given. Each one in their own way touches my heart and I'm so grateful for them.

Happy Anniversary to my sweetheart!! I love you with ALL of my heart. You were well worth the wait! (And I can't wait for the day when I can tell Wyatt the same thing.)

Maui Fall 2008

Valentines 2009

Perfect Love

A month or so after Wyatt died I went to the library to find books to read and music to listen to. I found a Cd of instrumental songs. There was a song titled "Perfect Love" that I instantly fell in love with. There were no words but I loved the tune. It brought comfort to my soul. I had it in the car and I would listen to it over and over again as I would drive usually from my parents condo to home. I would cry and listen and feel strength from this song. There were usually butterflies flying next to or in front of our car while I was driving and listening. I felt my Wyatt near and this song brought added comfort. I even made Derek's ring tone on my cell phone with this song "Perfect Love"-- what a great title for when my sweet heart calls me.

The other night I was searching YouTube for inspirational videos or talks. There were two videos titled "Perfect Love" I wondered if this was the song that I had wanted to hear the words to for so long..could it possibly be? Yes, it was. I have been searching for months to find this song and I was thrilled to finally hear the words to it. I thought with the title that it would be a love song...maybe for my sweetheart or the "Perfect Love" a mother has for her children but it turns out to be a song about Christ and his "Perfect Love" for each of us. Oh, I just sobbed as I listened and watched this video on YouTube with pictures of Christ. I have added the song to my play list. Oh, the perfect love our Savior has for each of us...how eternally grateful I am for him.

Grief quote

I got this quote from another mom's blog that is grieving the loss of her sweet Lucy(the cutest little girl ever!) I loved this quote because it was so true...oh, so true. It came from a book she is reading which I'm now going to go see if I can find. I think it's one I need to read. Thanks Molly for your amazing post today...she truly says it how it is. I'm feeling somewhat guarded at what I might post and say on this blog. Molly wrote so much of what I'm feeling and thinking on her post "Peek a boo grief" today. Thanks Molly for being so real and letting people know what it's like to grieve the loss of a child. Molly also has the gift of writing and words...she is amazing!

Here is the quote:

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. -Ann Hood

Valentines Day

Valentines 2008

Let's just say this Valentines day started out with lots of tears. Not necessarily over Wyatt but over some really disappointing things that I won't go into detail about here. Life can just be plain hard!

The evening though turned out to be a very special one. We went to one of the most amazing Valentines parties ever. Our sweet friends put on the greatest parties each year and we feel so blessed to be a part of it. It was a very special night for Derek and I as always.

Last year Wyatt went with us to the Valentines party. It was hard this year to look back at a year ago and remember every detail of that night and to now think he is gone. Those are some of the last memories I really have of Wyatt...the everyday ordinary days all seemed to blend together but this night was one to remember. I remember every detail of that night down to the sweater Wyatt was wearing, shoes he wore, feeding him and holding him... every little detail of that night is engraved into my mind. Wyatt started to fuss at his usual time of 8:30pm and was ready for his bath. As you can tell from some of these pictures he didn't want to sit and take pictures. He had a different plan that included a bath and one on one time with his mommy. I'm so grateful for those memories and for our sweet friends for creating those memories. They will always be ones I will cherish. I had no idea a year ago that I would only have one more month with my baby.

I'm not looking forward to that week in March when Wyatt died because after that I will not be able to say a year ago Wyatt was in our life...I will just have the memories of all the heartache and grief of last year. It's beyond hard! With that said I will have memories of all the sweet tender mercies from my loving Heavenly Father and for the many earth angels that have helped me through the most difficult year of my life.

My friend Gillian just made it through Zachary's angel day. She put some quotes on her blog that I loved. This one was one I hadn't heard before and I needed to hear it yesterday and today.

"The gift of resurrection is the Lord’s consummate act of healing. Thanks to
Him, each body will be restored to its proper and perfect frame. Thanks to Him,
no condition is hopeless. Thanks to Him, brighter days are ahead, both here and
hereafter. Real joy awaits each of us—on the other side of sorrow."
(Russell M. Nelson)

I loved that quote. I love anything that gives me hope for the future and especially I love any quote that pertains to Resurrection day. No condition is hopeless..real joy awaits each of us on the other side of sorrow. Love those words.

Another great quote:

"The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy."
(Neal A. Maxwell)

Can't wait for that day!

"Complete"

I've been in a weird slump lately. I've not wanted to write or think or read or do much of blogging. I guess I've needed a break.
I had a moment last Saturday night and Sunday morning when the grief hit so hard that I wondered if I could even get out of bed. When breathing seemed like too much to do. It felt like those first few months after Wyatt died when the grief was so unbearable. It was so hard to get up and go to church Sunday...I can't even explain how hard that was. This moment did show me that I have progressed and that my mornings now are not as bad as they use to be but it also showed me that it's not gone either and can hit whenever. I've also had days the last few weeks where I've been able to feel somewhat normal and it's been nice. Oh, the ups and downs of grief!
I'm hating the fact that I'm getting further and further away from the day I held Wyatt in my arms. I feel such expectations that I should be better. Yes, it is better than those first few months but it's still so there. I have to take each day as it comes and most days I don't know what that will be. I may end up in Wyatt's room sobbing or I end up breaking down as I'm fixing dinner thinking about him. I often look over to where he use to watch me cook dinner in his swing and instead of seeing him I see a picture and wonder was he really a part of my life or was that just a dream. Did it really happen? Did my last child really die? It's almost unreal at times. Then there are those days that the grief isn't there as much and I function pretty well. I'm finding moments of joy...especially with Derek and our kids. Once you've tasted the bitter the sweet seems to be better than ever. It's truly the most emotional roller coaster I've ever been on.
There have been many posts in the past that I have just left in the "edit posts" area. I have not added them to the blog. Many times I've just needed to write what I was feeling at the moment and didn't feel like posting it for everyone to read. I've written a few of those posts the last few weeks that I haven't been able to add. Maybe someday I will feel like adding them. Tonight I was going back on a few that I had written in August. I opened this one labeled "complete" and it still sums up what I feel. I know I've expressed a lot of these same feelings in the past and I'm sure I sound like a broken record but I felt like posting this today. It hasn't changed much. I still feel this way.

Written August 18, 2008:

Once Wyatt got into our lives I felt such a completeness with our family. 2 boys and 2 girls it was just perfect. I was so enjoying that feeling of having our complete family together every where we went. We had finally gotten Wyatt here our caboose. I had made it through over 2 years of throwing up and nausea day in and day out to get these 4 children here. I had made it through 4 c-sections and I felt so complete. Now that completeness is gone. I feel such a void in our family. I know with all my heart that Wyatt is still a part of our family but I'm just missing seeing him crawl. If he was like his brother her would be running around right now. Whenever we go somewhere there is a void there. His car seat is gone, listening to him play with his toys is gone. Watching his DVD everyday is gone. Nursing him....gone. His crib is gone. Putting him in his walker and swing...gone! There is a void and and a huge hole in my heart......

Present day:

I feel that void everyday of my life. I think it's fading a little. I don't think about it every second like I did those first few months but it's still sooo there. I can't wait for the day that our complete family will be together again. Today Hayley turned on our CD player and the song "God be with you till we meet again" started to play. It was what I needed today...the hope that I will be with Wyatt again. That was also the closing song at Wyatt's funeral. Was that a coincidence today? I have to think not. I needed to know that my Wyatt is still aware of me and how much I miss him. I also know he misses being with me, Derek and the kids as well but he is letting me know of a wonderful day to look forward to...God be with you till we meet again. Can't wait for that day Wyatt when we feel COMPLETE again!

Arizona

Here are some pictures from our trip to Arizona. We feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go as a family and spend some time together along with my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad for a wonderful week of fun memories.

Mesa Temple

My wonderful, sweet and amazing parents. Aren't they the cutest couple?

Derek with his black eye...he has LOVED to tell people that I did it. He even told the ward that I had given him his black eye while conducting on Sunday...luckily he told them he was just kidding and got it while playing basketball or else he probably would have gotten another black eye. Good thing he married someone with a sense of humor..ha ha!

My Wyatt moment on the Temple grounds. I was having a moment like always of missing Wyatt and wishing he was there to be in the pictures we were taking. This butterfly then flew by and landed on this beautiful flower waiting for me to take it's picture....a tender mercy for me! I haven't seen a butterfly in months. I sure have missed my Wyatt moments so this one was extra special!

Yes, our kids fighting and making faces on the temple grounds...go figure.

I'm going to just put the rest of the pictures on a slide show. We did a lot of swimming. The place we stayed at was beautiful with fun pools, a lazy river, green grass and flowers. We also took a day and went to the science museum which the kids LOVED. On our way home we stopped and Hoover Dam and my Dad, Derek, Tyler and Hayley took a Dam tour....Derek sure loved using that word while we were there. All in all it was a wonderful and relaxing week together.

I continue to miss Wyatt especially when we are creating these moments together as a family. His void is soooo there for me. Oh, we miss our little boy. But we continue to have hope for the Resurrection and for the Millennium where we will create lasting memories as a "whole" family.

Arizona Slideshow

I'm grateful for the week we had as a family in Arizona. Thank you mom and dad for spending the week with us. We had fun spending time together creating memories. I will post some pictures soon.

Today I'm missing my baby and EVERYTHING that comes from that....like everyday...nothing new! I get asked all the time is it any easier? Yes, in some ways but no in so many other ways. I'm going through a different stage of the grief and I'm not sure how to express it to those that might not understand. So, I guess that is why I haven't posted much. Maybe I will feel like posting some of my feelings later but right now I don't feel like it. Just needed to add a couple of pictures of my Wyatt.

One week old

If God loves me why this?

I checked out this book at the library last week called "If God loves me then why this?" It caught my eye because I've wondered that so many times this past year. Let's just say this has been the most difficult year of my life. I haven't finished reading this book yet but last night as I was reading I read this part about Satan and how he will put lies into our heads and tries to make us believe them. I've had so many of those lies come to me this past year. One of them has been... I must have done something wrong for this to have happened. I have come to find out how false that is. Bad things DO happen to good people. Look at Joseph Smith and Emma and all that they had to go through. There are countless good people in history that have had horrible things happen to them. We are not exempt to having bad things happen to us because we are living the gospel. This life is a testing period. I think sometimes we think as long as we are doing everything we are asked we will be blessed and won't have anything bad happen. That is just not true! But Satan wants us to believe these lies.

Another lie I've struggled with is the issue of faith. I really hate hearing stories now that end with...because of my faith ...was healed or because of our faith we had a miracle happen. I know I had enough faith that Wyatt could have been healed. But Satan wants me to believe that I didn't and that is why we didn't have our miracle happen. The hardest test of my faith is when my prayers didn't get answered the way I wanted it to. I think that is when our faith is tried and tested and in a way really shows how much faith we do posses. It's easy to have faith when our prayers are answered exactly how we want them to be. The true test of our faith is when they aren't answered how we think they should be. I also feel a part of faith is trusting that Heavenly Father knows better than us and with that knowledge we need to put our complete trust in him. That has been hard for me during this roller coaster of grief that I've been on. I just can't think that Wyatt is needed more somewhere else than in my arms. How could he possibly be in a better place than where he was in our home being loved and adored. It's hard! I do know that there is a purpose in ALL things and maybe someday I will know why. Until then I am so grateful for all the tender mercies I've received this past year. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of me and what I'm going through each and everyday. He has placed people in my life to help me and I'm so grateful for that. I think he understands how hard this is and how it's going to be hard all of my life. If I stopped loving Wyatt I think I could move on and "be over him" but that won't ever happen. I think I will think about him everyday of my life until he is in my arms again. Why wouldn't I do that? I'm his mom and I continue to love him like I love my other kids. He's still a part of me.

I continue to have waves of grief hit me. One hit me yesterday morning and I couldn't stop crying. I sat on the couch holding Hay and listening to the songs I had put on this blog and cried. Hay and I talked about Wyatt and what we miss about him. She said she misses tickling him because he always loved that and would laugh and giggle. I'm so glad her memory of him hasn't faded yet. I hope I can keep his memory alive for her. She spent probably the most time with him besides me mainly because everyone else had school or other things to do. Hayley and I stayed at home each day enjoying being Wyatt's mom and sister. Hay loved to show off to Wyatt and he loved to sit and watch her with a smile or two as she would say "you sister is amazing."

I signed Hay up for preschool a couple of weeks ago and the teacher asked me how many kids I had. I said 4. She then asked where Hay fit into the family and I told her she was our 3rd. She then said to Hay "oh, you get to be a little sister and a big sister." I didn't have the heart at the time to tell her that she doesn't get to be that big sister anymore and will have to wait until the Millennium for that. That is one of many hard moments.

This picture of Wyatt and Hay is literally the last picture I took of him....it was the last picture on my camera. I had just gotten him that sweater for spring and wanted to take his picture in it. Hay always wanted to be included.

This Weekend

Draper Temple

This past weekend we had the opportunity to go up north for the Draper Temple open house. Oh, what a beautiful temple. It was neat to be able to let my kids see what it's like inside the temple...how gorgeous and peaceful it is. My favorite part was when we got to go into the sealing room and a couple talked to us about marriage and eternal life. That has so much more meaning to me. It's hard not to shout out loud how grateful I am that Derek and I were married for time and all eternity and that we will be a forever family. Because of the temple we are sealed to Wyatt forever. I can't think of a greater blessing than to know we will be together with those we love forever. I hope walking through the temple was a good experience for my kids..one that will get them even more excited to go someday.
I was also able to meet with some mom's and dad's that have lost their kids. It was simply amazing to me how I felt an instant bond with each of them. As they each told their story about their little one my heart broke because I know all too well what they are going through. The pain and heartache they are experiencing. I'm so grateful for ALL the people that have been placed into my life to help me through this trial. There are others that I can't wait to meet someday that have been there for me through the thick and thin of all the grief. I feel so blessed that a loving Heavenly Father put all these wonderful grieving parents into my life to help me know I'm not alone...to help me know that what I'm thinking and feeling is NORMAL. It was wonderful to finally meet a few of my angel parents..can't wait for the day to meet all the others.
I'm finding that going out of town and being away from normal life helps me. I really enjoyed my weekend with my sister's family and my family. We had such a good time chillin'(on facebook). I guess I need those moments to know that life is good and that there still is joy to be found. It's coming back to normal life that is always hard. That void of Wyatt's absence seems to hit me in the face once we get home. One day at a time is all I can do---pushing forward with hope, faith and excitement for when Wyatt isn't that void anymore and is a part of everything our family does. He may be here in spirit but I can't wait until he is with us physically.

Time

It's amazing to me how grief comes in waves. I've had a few good days where I felt some what normal but then it hits and out of the blue. I guess I need to qualify "a few good days" Everyday I feel the affects of grief. Some days though it comes harder and stays longer. So I guess those days where it isn't as intense and doesn't seem to stay as long will qualify as "a good day". This morning as I came home to an empty house after taking Hayley to preschool it hit me. This was going to be my Wyatt time...his one on one time. I know I've expressed this before but man the house is too quiet. I should be cleaning up after a one year old. I should be doing all those things you do for a one year old but I'm not.
On Saturday we were doing some yard work and I had to think how hard Wyatt would have been if he was here. I know I would have been chasing him and trying to keep him from the street. I probably would have been thinking how glad I was that he was our last and that I was ready to move onto the next stage in life. I was ready for that but now I'm not. I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward to that stage of not having little ones in our house. I feel robbed that it's happening way to quickly for me. Oh, I planned on enjoying every stage of Wyatt because he was our last. I can say I did enjoy every moment of those 5 1/2 months I had with him and in a way maybe that makes me miss him even more. Now, I have to go through the rest of my life with the what if's.

Today is the 13th. It's been 10 months since Wyatt died. That is probably why the grief is hitting me today. It's weird how those dates can do that to me. How have I lived those many days and months without him in it? Time seems to continue on when in my heart I feel it shouldn't be. It's such a weird thing to experience. I truly can't imagine going through 50 or more years without him. That is when I have to just think of the present and take it one day at a time because it becomes way too overwhelming to think anything more than that. Grief is such a crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out. I do know that Heavenly Father has blessed me these 10 months with so many tender mercies and answered prayers. How grateful I am for that. Here are a few pictures I took one morning while he was sleeping. I will always cherish each and every picture I have of my sweet Wyatt.

I have at least 25 more pictures I took that morning. I'm so grateful I took the time out of my busy day to enjoy him sweetly sleeping. I will cherish them all my life.
Now I have to put on the happy face and go and try and be a mom for my 9 year old at school. I've been volunteering in her class this year. I'm so grateful for each of my children.

I survived my first holiday season without Wyatt. I felt an added strength come upon me that helped me actually find moments of joy. Yes, there were those moments of tears and missing our boy but there was also moments of happiness. I was able to put grief on the shelf for a little bit and enjoyed time with family. We were able to go up north after Christmas. We went ice skating, played games and just enjoyed spending time with each other.

Once I got home though the grief was there waiting. I have had some really, really hard days. My arms continue to ache to hold him and love him again. I just miss him so much. Words can't even describe the longing I feel to have him back into my daily life.

I was reading a couple of books last night. I just love any quote that gives me hope of having Wyatt again just as he was laid to rest. I will not miss out on a single minute of his life. The hard part is going through the rest of this life without him in it. I look forward to the Millennium with great anticipation.

Here is a quote from the "History of the Church "regarding this: "Sister M. Isabella Horne said: 'In conversation with the Prophet Joseph Smith once in Nauvoo, the subject of children in the resurrection was broached. I believe it was in Sister Leonora Cannon Taylor's house. She had just lost one of her children and I had also lost one previously. The Prophet wanted to comfort us, and he told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and that they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers. The idea that I got from what he said was that the children would grow and develop in the Millennium, and that the mothers would have the pleasure of training and caring for them, which they had been deprived of in their life'".

I'm so grateful for this knowledge. I can't wait to nourish and care for Wyatt again. I don't know what I would do today without that knowledge. It's hard enough going through the grief but if I didn't have the hope of having Wyatt again I don't know where I would be today.

Yesterday, Derek hung the picture he gave me for Christmas. As I was looking at it closer I found something else that I love about it other than it reminds me so much of Wyatt the weeks before he passed away and the fact that he his touching his feet like Wyatt would do and his hands and feet look just like Wyatt's, he also has about the same amount of hair that Wyatt did....I could go on and on with so many similiarities but today I noticed his eyes. His eyes are looking at his mothers with such love and excitement...just like Wyatt use to do to me and I did to him. I miss Wyatt's smile and the twinkle in his eyes. I have no regrets with the time I had with Wyatt. I enjoyed him everyday of his short life. I'm so glad I did. I miss his smile and the happiness he brought into my daily life. I miss his giggle as I would blow on his stomach. I could go on and on with all the little things I miss about him. I love this painting because it reminds me of what I will see on the morning of the first resurrection--my almost 6 month old little boy. I'm just grateful for the knowledge that I have that I will get to do all the many things I long to do with Wyatt again someday. I will be able to look into his eyes again and see the love and excitement in them. And I know he will be able to see the same things from my eyes. The hard part is waiting until the Millennium for that. Oh, I can hardly wait.

The painting by Greg Olsen that Derek gave me for Christmas.

Quote for the day

Bereaved People are like Ducks:

Above the Surface.....Looking Composed and Unruffled
Below the Surface.....Paddling Like Crazy