"Wyatt's Second Mom"

My sweet daughter Emily was truly Wyatt's second mom. Before he was even born she and I spent so much time shopping for all the things we needed for our new addition to our family. It was exactly a year ago that we were doing this. She helped me pick out his clothes, diapers, bedding, blankets etc. She was so excited to have a baby that she could help take care of. That's just what she did.

She was also excited to have a birthday buddy. Tyler and Hayley are both born in November and she was excited to have Wyatt born in September the same month as her. She got to share her special day with Wyatt when she got baptised. He was blessed that same day.

She couldn't go past Wyatt without picking him up. He would be just fine playing with his toys and she just couldn't resist holding him. She would pick him up, talk to him and then bring him to me. There were countless times that I would be busy making dinner or doing something and she would hold him and walk with him so I could get something done. She was always such a help to me. She never liked to hear him cry and would pick him up as soon as he would fuss just a little bit.

She showed such compassion and love to her little brother. He was so spoiled because he had such a loving sister that just couldn't get enough of him. I have the most pictures of Emily holding Wyatt. The other day I got the video camera out to see the very last pictures I had of Wyatt and it was Emily holding him while we watched Hayley dance. I have a really long shot of me trying to get Wyatt to smile. Emily was lovingly rocking her little brother back and forth. He loved his big sister so much and she loved him.

My sweet Emily has the kindest heart. She showed that kindness to her little brother each and everyday of his short life here on earth. He was one lucky little boy. We now talk about how fun it's going to be watching him learn to crawl, walk and talk in the millennium. It will be a glorious day for me as well as Wyatt's second mom--Emily.

This picture is one of my favorites. I can't even remember what I was doing something for Christmas. Wyatt was really tired and fussy. The only way he wouldn't fuss was if someone would walk with him. Emily walked with him a good 1/2 hour until he finally fell asleep in her arms.

"Wyatt's Obituary"

I've been wanting to post Wyatt's Obituary for quite some time. Here it is.

In answer to prayer, Wyatt Lewis Larsen joined our family September 21, 2007. In response to a higher call he peacefully left us March 13, 2008, after complications due to heart failure. Wyatt has blue eyes, strawberry blond hair, and an infectious smile. Wyatt brought love with him, and returns to his Heavenly Father with our love. We have committed ourselves to living that one day our reunion with him might be eternal. "No empty chairs."
We express heartfelt thanks to all the medical staff who lovingly cared for Wyatt over the past few days.
Funeral services will be held March 19th, 2008.

Could it be possible...

Could it be possible to feel more love and gratitude for my kids and husband than before Wyatt died? I never thought it was possible-- but I have. I have had some of the most amazing moments the past few months with the most indescribable feelings of love and gratitude towards Derek, Tyler, Emily and Hayley. They have come a moment here and moment there. Sometimes just looking at them and realizing what a blessing they are to me brings the sweet tender feelings. The thought will come to me-- what would I do without them in my life right now? I really don't know. I'm grateful for the littlest of things that they do each day. Their way of being able to pick up and move forward with happiness and joy. How grateful I am that they are in my life. They give me a reason to breath each day and a reason to just get out of bed. They bring smiles to my face when I thought I would never smile again. I had no idea before Wyatt died that I could feel anymore love than I already had for each of my kids and my husband but I do. How grateful I am for them.

"Wyatt's Room--Part 2"

A couple of months ago I did a post about Wyatt's room. I commented about how I was wanting a chair in his room to make it kind of a reading room. Well, thanks to the Hansen's we have the most perfect chair. Derek's been remodeling their condo and when I saw this chair I told Derek that is exactly what I wanted for Wyatt's room. It was just like the one in Pottery Barn that I had been trying to save money for. The Hansen's decided to get a different chair so Derek asked if he could buy it for me. Instead they decided to give it to us. I have such gratitude in my heart for their generosity towards us. It's exactly what I've wanted for such a long time.

Of course his room is not how I want it. I want his crib and changing table still in there but since that is not how it's going to be this is the second best. I got a couple of blankets of Wyatt's out of his chest to put on the chair which helps me feel closer to him. Another great plus is it has a hide away bed in it. At first we were going to make Wyatt's room into Hayley's and Emily's room but their beds didn't fit. I'm so glad now that we didn't. If they need to sleep upstairs we now have a bed for them.

I was the only one spending much time in Wyatt's room before the chair. I would sit on the floor and read or cry or just think about my Wyatt. Now I have a comfortable spot to do those things and now the kids are in there with me.We now read our nightly story in his room and it just feels good spending so much time in there with his pictures and things so close by. It's the peaceful quiet room I've wanted. One in which I will spend a lot of time reading--gaining the comfort I seek from wonderful words of wisdom.

Yesterday I put together a poster in memory of Wyatt. It was hard. A lot harder than I thought. The group I joined--Intermoutain Healing Hearts is having a fun/run on September 6th to raise money and awareness about CHD. They are going to honor those that have died with a poster. If anyone that lives in Utah County and would be interested in participating in the run or contributing click here for more information. It's was weird as I was putting these pictures of Wyatt on the poster the thought kept coming to me--Is he really gone? Then reality hits--yes he is. I had bought 4 big scrapbooks for Wyatt right before he passed away. The reality hits me each time I see them that I won't be filling them up with pictures of him playing baseball or basketball or with holiday's and family gatherings. It is just so hard.

I decided when I started this blog that I wasn't going to sugar coat things. It's a struggle everyday not having Wyatt with me. That's the reality. I'm not going to say I've moved on and everything is great because it isn't. I'm having moments here and there where I feel like I might make it through this and I'm grateful for that. I can see some improvement but it's still hard. "The only way out is through." With that said I also have to point out the fact that I cleave to the hope Jesus Christ gives me. Though I mourn I don't mourn without hope. I will have my Wyatt again and each day is that much closer to that glorious, wonderful most awesome day.

"Birthday"

This has been an emotional week. My sweet Aunt Luana passed away and her funeral was on Tuesday the 19th. It was exactly 5 months to the day that we had Wyatt's funeral. They used the same mortuary as we had for Wyatt so there were so many similarities. It was hard for me because it brought back all those memories of 5 months ago. My heart now goes out to her kids and husband. I know how it feels to have that void in your life that can't be replaced with anything else.

Today, Wyatt would have been 11 months old. It's been a difficult day today for me. Many tears have been shed. I just miss him so much. But it's also been a day filled with many sweet tender mercies. How grateful I am for so many wonderful people in my life that answer the call to comfort me and lift me up.

Next month will be Wyatt's first birthday. It's a day I have been dreading since he passed away. It just doesn't seem right that I'm not going to be planning a party for him and buying gifts for him. Instead I'm going to be buying flowers to put on his grave. It's not at all what I had planned a year ago.

I've been contemplating for some time what to do for his birthday. Thank you, to so many for asking me what I'm going to do and for all the wonderful suggestions. My sweet sister has made up some balloons with Wyatt's name, dates, and the saying " I've gone to prepare a place for you." They are absolutely perfect. Thank you Janese! She made up a lot of them so I wanted to invite any family or friends that would like to release a balloon on his birthday --in his memory. If you are interested please let me know and I will send you some.

Another thing I would like to ask those of you that are willing and able to attend the temple sometime on September 20th in memory of Wyatt. His birthday is on a Sunday so that is why we have chosen the day before his actual birthday. The temple has given me great comfort the past few months . What a blessing it is to know that we might be helping someone on the other side be together with their family forever. I can't think of a greater present to give someone. So those of you that would like to do that in memory of our little boy we would be so appreciative.

I'm also trying to come up with some fun things for my kids because I do want it to be a day of celebration even though my heart is breaking knowing that he won't be physically present for his special day.

There will come a day that I will be planning a wonderful 1st birthday with Wyatt physically present. It will be a grand day and everyone will be invited.

"Reading"

Here is another favorite painting. My Wyatt is in good hands.

I have never been a great reader or loved it like some do. But since Wyatt died it's been one of my greatest comforts. The words I've read and found have helped me through some of my darkest moments. I could list book after book and talk after talk that has helped me. How grateful I am for them. This morning I pulled out one of my favorites by Neal A. Maxwell called "All these things shall give thee experience"--thank you Doug and Jill for giving this book to us while at the hospital with Wyatt. There are a couple of chapters I've read and reread over and over again. I gain something more from it each time I read. There is such comfort in his words. Anyway, I wanted to quote a few things that stood out to me today. The first is a quote from C.S. Lewis referring to "all these things shall give thee experience" he said:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that
house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He's
getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew
that those jobs needed doing so you are not surprised. But presently, He
starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem
to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He
is building quite a different house from the one you thought of.--throwing out a
wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making
courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little
cottage: but He is building a palace."

I'm feeling like a new wing is being formed on my house. It truly hurts and really doesn't make sense to me but I know Heavenly Father has a greater plan and he's making me into a palace instead of the cottage I thought I would be.

The second quote that stuck out at me this morning is one by President Spencer W. Kimball he is talking about tragedies. He said:

"Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is, Yes. The
Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent
all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from
labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will
not. We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how
unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from
disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering....If we looked at
mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life
would be calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal things
stretching far into the pre-earth past and on into the eternal post-death
future then all happenings may be put into proper perspective."

There are some days that I wonder if I'm going to make it through this long and difficult life. It's just hard. I miss my Wyatt. There is a void in my life and a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled until my Wyatt is in my arms again. That's when I have to look at the eternal perspective-- the post-death future. This life is just a small moment compared to the eternal aspect of things. I gain such comfort in this. I will have a wonderful "post-death" future with my Wyatt... FOREVER.

"The Painting"

I saw this painting at Costco a few months ago and it took my breath away. The instant I saw it I thought of Wyatt. I really think this baby looks a lot like him. The baby in this painting looks about the age Wyatt was when he passed away. Wyatt was at that age where he was grabbing at everything. So, to see the sweet little hand in this painting trying to grab his mothers hand and his other hand grabbing his foot reminds me so much of Wyatt right before his death. I don't have any pictures of him the few weeks before he died so I guess the reason this painting touches my heart so much is because it helps me remember my Wyatt right before he passed away. I also loved that the mom was touching his feet. As you can tell from many of my posts I really enjoyed Wyatt's little feet. They were so cute and chubby. He always loved it when I rubbed them. I miss that so much!

Yesterday was the 5 month marker since Wyatt died. He has almost been gone away from me as long as he was with me. I can't believe it's been 5 months. I look back on those months and they are ones I hope I never have to live again. I feel like I've been living in a fog. The grief, sorrow and pain have not left. With that said I also feel like I have been blessed beyond anything with sweet tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father. He truly has helped me make it to where I am today. Thanks to so many of you for being the instrument in which those tender mercies were fulfilled. My heart is sad but also grateful.

"School has begun"

It's official the new school year as begun for us St. Georgites. Emily started 3rd grade today and Tyler started 6th grade at the intermediate school. He was excited to start the 7 classes a day routine. I can't believe my little boy is getting that old. They just grow up too fast. They both enjoyed their first day at school. Emily always likes to do the "kissing hand" on her first day and she also wanted to wear a butterfly necklace to help her when she misses Wyatt.

It was an emotional one for me. I've so enjoyed having them with me this summer. I shed some tears as each of them left for school. I took Emily to her class and then on our way home I felt like I needed to spend a little time at Wyatt's grave. The cemetery is such a peaceful place and I find comfort there. When I pulled into the cemetery I felt like there was something new. OK that is really pathetic of me when I know there is something new at the cemetery. It was a big beautiful butterfly balloon. It really took me by surprise because it was on Wyatt's grave. I figured it was my sister and niece that put it on this past weekend before they left and I was right. I can't even express the gratitude and love I felt when I saw that balloon. I began crying and at that moment I felt like Wyatt was near. I've only felt that a few times mainly when I've had a few of my "Wyatt moments" but this morning as I sat there and cried as overwhelming gratitude filled my heart for all the wonderful people in my life I felt like he was aware of me. It was a special moment for me.
On Sunday my other niece Natalie and her family took time out of their busy schedule to drive to Wyatt's grave and when I saw the plumeria flower she had put on Wyatt's marker I cried. Plumeria flowers are one of my favorites and it touched me so much that she would be so thoughtful. It's such a touching thing for me when someone puts something on Wyatt's grave. I'm really not sure why. Maybe because it shows me that I'm not the only one caring for his sacred ground and I'm not the only one that is thinking of him. It touches me that they would take time out of their schedule to drive off the beaten path to visit his grave.

Hayley then had her first Princess birthday party to attend. I've really struggled with the thought that in 2 years all of my kids will be in school. I was suppose to have 5 more years and I was planning on making them the very best. I really was enjoying that time with Hayley and Wyatt each day. Now I only have 2 more before all of my kids are in school. That will be a sad day for me.

"Eternal Perspective"

I find myself relying on the "eternal perspective" of things everyday. Before Wyatt died I would think of eternal things but not nearly as much as I do now. I really don't think a day goes by without me thinking about what really matters in the grand scale of things. There is comfort in this for me. I have relied on the hope of the resurrection everyday since Wyatt died as you can tell by many of my posts. I can envision that day in my mind and how glorious it will be. I feel like a broken record but it's what helps me make it through this difficult time.

I have had some real ups and downs the last few days. It's part of the grief roller coaster that I'm on. There are times that I just have to not think or feel. It's my only way to survive and then when I have a moment to think and feel the flood gates open and I have to release the sorrow and grief that's inside me. It's very hard!

When we went to the cemetery for Wyatt's burial the man from the mortuary let me spend a few moments alone with my Wyatt inside the hearse. He took the top off of his coffin so I could spend a few moments with my baby. It was one of those sweet tender mercies I received that week. One I had not expected. I had a moment by myself to say my goodbyes to my baby. I took a picture in my mind of him and what he looked like. I told him how much I will miss him and how much I love him. I then told him how much I will be looking forward to having him again on resurrection morning. I gave him my last kiss until that glorious day. It was a sweet moment I will never forget. So when grief takes over and I'm in one of those dark moments I close my eyes and envision the last picture in my mind of Wyatt in the hearse and think of the joy and happiness I will feel resurrection morning when he is alive again and in my arms. The spirit then comforts me and lets me know that this indeed will happen and it will be more glorious than I can even imagine. I then grasp hold of the "eternal perspective" of things and realize what's important in my life right now.

"Lucky"

This was the first documented smile I took of Wyatt

Last week while we were up north we attended the temple. I'm so grateful for the peace and comfort I feel there. While we were waiting for family members in the celestial room I watched another family as they waited for their daughter to come into the room. It was her first time at the temple. You could see the excitement in their eyes as they waited for her. The happiness and joy was almost tangible.

This scene brought a picture into my mind of when Wyatt left this earth. I'm sure there were many people that were anticipating his arrival. He must of been excited to see them again because he left very quickly. I'm sure it was a great and wonderful reunion. One I wish I could have been a part of.

I came across a quote the other day by President Brigham Young he says:

"We have more friends behind the veil than on this side, and
they will hail us more joyfully than you were ever welcomed by your parents and
friends in this world; and you will rejoice more when you meet them than you
ever rejoiced to see a friend in this life; and then we shall go on from step to
step, from rejoicing to rejoicing, and from one intelligence and power to
another, our happiness becoming more and more exquisite and sensible as we
proceed in the words and powers of life."

As a mother that gives me great comfort knowing Wyatt is being taken care of by so many wonderful people that are in the spirit world. I just think of the amazing grandparents from both sides of our families that are with him. He is in good hands. Knowing this comforts me but I still wish he was in my hands. I miss him so much.

I started thinking about how Wyatt gets to be there when each of our family members returns to the other side. What a "lucky" boy. He will get to experience that joy and rejoicing again and again. I'm sure when Derek and I leave this life he will be the first one there to greet us. What a sweet reunion that will be. He has gone to prepare a place for us.